How to Hug a Porcupine: Easy Ways to Love the Difficult People in Your Life (Little Book. Big Idea.)

by Debbie Joffe Ellis

Every time we practice kindness, compassion and unconditional acceptance of others, we are reinforcing it within and for ourselves.

Life is brief. Time is precious. Wasting it in defense and attack, or in anger and fear, is regretful. Choose instead to practice patience, empathy, compassion, kindness, understanding and unconditional acceptance. Work towards creating greater harmony within yourself and in your relationships, and you will contribute to creating a healthier, saner world.

There is a very big difference between trying to understand what is bothering your porcupine and getting into a big fight.

The attack of a porcupine is a last resort of a frightened, cornered creature trying to keep a threat at bay.

a porcupine’s quills—the result of past injuries—are a part of who the porcupine is, and they aren’t necessarily meant to hurt us.

Sometimes, avoiding conflict can make a world of difference!

Porcupines attack when they feel threatened, so in order to deflect that defensiveness, try a little kindness instead.

Everybody is calmed by the sound of their own name.

Idk my husband addresses me by name when we argue and it’s pretty triggering! 🤭

Resist the temptation to get angry and, instead, approach any confrontation or dilemma with patience and understanding above all else.

encouraging her to “get it all out” can be an important first step towards change.

Too often, we focus on behavior, instead of the motivations behind that behavior.

the porcupine’s defensiveness is an emotional reaction; defuse the emotions and you’ll defuse the reaction.

It’s easier to tackle your porcupine’s issues if you don’t speak in grand, sweeping terms.

allow her to explain her behavior in her own words. She will be far less defensive (your curiosity is a good thing) and you might just learn something!

blame implies that one person has to accept sole responsibility, and this, in turn, eliminates any chance for understanding and compromise.

There are no winners and losers in a relationship.

Any discussion that promotes honesty, openness and a willingness to talk and change, is a “victory” for you and your porcupine.

just as you should avoid being defensive, you should also try to be as communicative, understanding and generous as you’d like your porcupine to be.

Interruptions are power-plays. They’re ways of suggesting that what you have to say is more important than what someone else has to say.

until you clearly state your needs or boundaries, your porcupine cannot respect them.

No one is right all the time. In fact, most of us aren’t right much of the time.

The greatest gift you can give your porcupine is the sense that she is not alone.

By listening, you cease to be part of the problem and become, instead, someone who has the information to offer a solution.

Your willingness to talk openly about relationships, and to accept criticism of your own behavior, will help shape how your porcupine learns to handle uncomfortable situations.

Love is what will teach your porcupine to keep his quills down.

Part of communicating your family’s values to your children is discussing them—in some cases, even defending them.

the best way to bring a disagreement with your porcupine to a swift conclusion is to stay on topic.

In dealing with porcupine children, you are attempting to draw their feelings out into the open. A lecture will shut them up.

Instead of giving a speech, use a conversational tone which invites participation.

true. It is by being vulnerable and by showing your children that you are affected by the same rules, disappointments and conflicts as they are, that you can show your porcupine child that she isn’t alone.

a relationship that is all one-way is not a dialogue but a diatribe—and it’s bound to be frustrating for everyone involved.

Expressing your likes and dislikes in a calm, unaggressive manner illustrates to your child the right way to communicate—and just might lead to an interesting discussion.

Less time in the digital world means more time in the real world, and more opportunities to get to know one another.

A verbal exchange in which one person speaks more than they listen is not called a conversation; it’s called a monologue.

The direction of our present, and our future, is up to us.

Your parent may be drawing comparisons—between their parenting and yours, their house and yours, their lifestyle and yours—as a way to maintain their influential role in your life.

Let your porcupine parent define his legacy and explore it with you and your children.

Openness trumps defensiveness. Care beats mistrust. Attention cures fear.

everyone has an inner porcupine that springs to life whenever we are challenged or criticized—especially when we are faced with a habit or behavior we are self-conscious about.

Learn to spot the clues that signal your defensiveness. That way, you can get to the root of what’s really wrong, rather than continuing to act out in unproductive ways.