How to Hug a Porcupine: Easy Ways to Love the Difficult People in Your Life (Little Book. Big Idea.)

by Debbie Joffe Ellis

The brilliant pioneering psychologist, Albert Ellis PhD, taught that no one can upset us unless we allow them to.

Every time we practice kindness, compassion and unconditional acceptance of others, we are reinforcing it within and for ourselves.

Life is brief. Time is precious. Wasting it in defense and attack, or in anger and fear, is regretful. Choose instead to practice patience, empathy, compassion, kindness, understanding and unconditional acceptance. Work towards creating greater harmony within yourself and in your relationships, and you will contribute to creating a healthier, saner world.

“The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved — loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.”

Human porcupines would probably be indistinguishable from anyone else, except for their reaction to any kind of threat or incursion. It’s then that, like the porcupine in nature, they puff themselves up to try to scare off their adversary.

“Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.”

For human porcupines, their “quills” are most often their words, delivered aggressively with fierce language, and often in a loud voice. Learn to recognize these warning signs so that you can be one step ahead when your porcupine gets aggressive.

It’s important to remember that human porcupines, like porcupettes, are born soft. But bad experiences, fears, and failed relationships have forced them to harden their exteriors and sharpen their quills.

Loving a difficult person requires a great deal of empathy. Take the time to ask yourself: What is that person feeling? How would I feel if I were inside those quills? What might it be like to deal with someone like me? Being responsible and loving towards a porcupine requires emotional maturity and the flexibility to think empathically.

Sometimes, avoiding conflict can make a world of difference!

Thinking of a porcupine’s needs ahead of time is half the battle. Nothing disarms a porcupine faster than showing her that you care!

It’s our responsibility to make our needs clear to our loved ones, just as it is their responsibility to do the same with us.

Chances are, your porcupine’s sour mood, though triggered by you, has little or nothing to do with you. The more you recognize that a porcupine’s aggressive behavior is really about your porcupine figuring out her own issues, the more energy you will have to find a solution that works for the both of you.

Resist the temptation to get angry and, instead, approach any confrontation or dilemma with patience and understanding above all else.

Don’t forget: the porcupine’s defensiveness is an emotional reaction; defuse the emotions and you’ll defuse the reaction.

relationship that requires effort on the part of only one party is not a true relationship. For better or for worse, this means that you’ll have to make some compromises.

There are no winners and losers in a relationship. The same goes for discussions with your porcupine. If you’re trying to “win,” you’re sure to lose.

Interruptions are power-plays. They’re ways of suggesting that what you have to say is more important than what someone else has to say. This can be particularly dangerous when it comes to dealing with a porcupine—not to mention inconsiderate. Let your porcupine speak. Be polite and hold your tongue until it is your turn to share.

“I always prefer to believe the best of everybody, it saves so much trouble.”

Diets, the Egyptian pyramids, and healthy relationships have one thing in common: they all take time.

“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.”

“Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”

A verbal exchange in which one person speaks more than they listen is not called a conversation; it’s called a monologue. Resist the temptation to listen to the sound of your own voice!

The direction of our present, and our future, is up to us.

Keep in mind that you were once reliant on your porcupine parent; now, that is no longer the case. Your parent may be drawing comparisons—between their parenting and yours, their house and yours, their lifestyle and yours—as a way to maintain their influential role in your life. This isn’t malicious; she is just operating the way she used to. Appreciate what she is dealing with. Try to understand why changing might take time for her.

Everyone, especially a porcupine, has an image of themselves as they wish to be seen and remembered by others. An amazing dancer. An expert fisherman. The life of the party. A prize-winning baker. Let your porcupine parent define his legacy and explore it with you and your children. His concept of himself may not coincide with what you cherish him for. But it is how he thinks of himself and would like to be remembered. Honor this. And think: you might also learn about aspects of your parent’s life that you never knew.

A parent may be acting like a prickly porcupine simply because she is bored! Involve your parent in your daily life. Invite her to join you on trips to the movies, errands in town, light lunches or barbecues at a friend’s or neighbor’s house.

Openness trumps defensiveness. Care beats mistrust. Attention cures fear. By staying present and engaging with your parent, you are communicating love to your porcupine.

“Make it a practice to judge persons and things in the most favorable light at all times and under all circumstances.”