How to Hug a Porcupine: Easy Ways to Love the Difficult People in Your Life (Little Book. Big Idea.)

by Debbie Joffe Ellis

no one can upset us unless we allow them to.

Instead we can choose to think rationally, feel calm, and act with consideration, kindness and empathy.

Every time we practice kindness, compassion and unconditional acceptance of others, we are reinforcing it within and for ourselves.

Life is brief. Time is precious. Wasting it in defense and attack, or in anger and fear, is regretful.

Choose instead to practice patience, empathy, compassion, kindness, understanding and unconditional acceptance. Work towards creating greater harmony within yourself and in your relationships, and you will contribute to creating a healthier, saner world.

Other people challenge us. Other people improve us. Other people make us better human beings.

Porcupine babies, called porcupettes, are born with soft, pliable quills.

“Love one another and you will be happy. It’s as simple and as difficult as that.”

It’s important to remember that human porcupines, like porcupettes, are born soft.

Loving a difficult person requires a great deal of empathy.

Being responsible and loving towards a porcupine requires emotional maturity and the flexibility to think empathically.

Sometimes, avoiding conflict can make a world of difference!

Thinking of a porcupine’s needs ahead of time is half the battle. Nothing disarms a porcupine faster than showing her that you care!

It’s our responsibility to make our needs clear to our loved ones, just as it is their responsibility to do the same with us.

(remember, quills can’t hurt you unless you run up against them!)

Chances are, your porcupine’s sour mood, though triggered by you, has little or nothing to do with you. The more you recognize that a porcupine’s aggressive behavior is really about your porcupine figuring out her own issues, the more energy you will have to find a solution that works for the both of you.

Porcupines attack when they feel threatened, so in order to deflect that defensiveness, try a little kindness instead.

Everybody is calmed by the sound of their own name. In soothing tones, reassure your porcupine it’s going to be all right.

Resist the temptation to get angry and, instead, approach any confrontation or dilemma with patience and understanding above all else.

compromise might mean making some changes to your own behavior.

Nothing brings out the porcupine in each of us faster than being blamed. This is because blame implies that one person has to accept sole responsibility, and this, in turn, eliminates any chance for understanding and compromise.

There are no winners and losers in a relationship. The same goes for discussions with your porcupine. If you’re trying to “win,” you’re sure to lose.

“What did it feel like when you did this?” or “How did you feel when this happened?”

It’s not your place to agree or disagree with someone else’s feelings.

those feelings must be respected, and dealt with.

Interruptions are power-plays. They’re ways of suggesting that what you have to say is more important than what someone else has to say. This can be particularly dangerous when it comes to dealing with a porcupine—not to mention inconsiderate.

Be polite and hold your tongue until it is your turn to share.

Stay humble. Obsessing about being “in the right” will lead nowhere.

Remember to be firm, not stubborn.

A good question, posed carefully, will lead to a good solution.

Instead, use empathy, firmness and sensitivity to defuse workplace competitiveness.

To truly negotiate, the disputing parties must understand each others’ needs and demands, avoid getting emotional, and really concentrate on the facts of the matter.

Diets, the Egyptian pyramids, and healthy relationships have one thing in common: they all take time.

No parent should expect that his or her preferences should be their children’s, too.

A verbal exchange in which one person speaks more than they listen is not called a conversation; it’s called a monologue.

Openness trumps defensiveness. Care beats mistrust. Attention cures fear.

“Make it a practice to judge persons and things in the most favorable light at all times and under all circumstances.”