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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
John Gray
Read between
April 14, 2019 - March 4, 2024
Each time you go out and discover that this is the wrong person for you, your mind will self-correct, and next time you will feel more attracted to someone who is closer to being the right person. To make this self-correction in the kind of person we are attracted to or find interesting, we must clearly experience how far off the mark a shot was.
Without an open heart, it is much more difficult to find the right person. When our hearts are open, we are able to be attracted to and even fall in love with the right person, or at least make progress in finding someone closer to the right person.
When we end a relationship with resentment or guilt, we are attracted to someone who will help us deal with unresolved feelings and issues.
It is human nature to want to go back and fix things or change things that we regret. When we regret a relationship, our automatic tendency is to be attracted to another person we will regret meeting. We will repeat this pattern until we get it right.
One of the reasons people end relationships with negative feelings is that they stay together too long. They do not recognize they are with the wrong person and move on.
Many single people don’t understand this basic truth. They mistakenly believe that if you love someone, you should want to have a relationship with them. This is not right.
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean he or she is the one for you.
One of the reasons there is so much divorce today is that people do not move through the five stages. They rush through them or skip a few stages.
There are basically four kinds of chemistry between dating partners; physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Physical chemistry generates desire. Emotional chemistry generates affection. Mental chemistry creates interest. Spiritual chemistry creates love. A soul mate includes all four.
When physical chemistry is not backed up by chemistry in the mind, heart, and soul, then it cannot last or grow in time.
When our soul wants to marry our partner, it feels like a promise that we came into this world to keep.
The first challenge in the process of dating is to give up searching for your soul mate and instead focus on preparing yourself so that you can recognize your soul mate when he or she appears. Most people find or are found by their soul mates when they are not really looking. When you are ready your soul mate will appear.
When we are on the rebound, instead of looking for someone to share with, we are like a hungry person looking for food. We are just looking for someone to feed us. To be ready for intimacy and thus able to recognize the right person, we must first be able to feed ourselves. Only then can we enjoy feeding and being fed by a partner.
The time you spend in any relationship is not a loss if you learn from it and complete it in a positive way. Each time you follow your heart and then plainly recognize that someone is not right for you, then you are definitely one step closer to finding the right person for you.
When people get married before feeling autonomous, they run the risk of being too dependent on each other for love. They do not get the opportunity to experience sufficient independence to discover how they can be fulfilled without having a partner to depend on.
When we are not fulfilled through our work and friendships, then we are attracted to someone who can fill us up rather than someone we can share with.
For a man to become more interested in a woman, she needs to do more of the talking and authentically share herself in a positive manner.
When a woman dwells on negative feelings or problems in her life, instead of valuing her willingness to share openly, a man mistakenly assumes that she is difficult to please. Just as a woman is attracted to a man who shows interest in her, a man is attracted to a woman who clearly can be pleased. When she appears to be difficult to please, he may easily become turned off.
To make the best impression and to get to know someone most effectively, it is important that we first get a chance to know the positive side. In the first three stages of dating—attraction, uncertainty, and exclusivity—it is best to focus on putting forth our best self. After getting to know our best sides, then in stage four, intimacy, we are ready to deal with the less positive sides of who we are.
Too much intimacy, too quickly, can cause women to become needy and men to pull away. Just as men have a tendency to rush into physical intimacy, women make the mistake of rushing into complete emotional intimacy.
A man hungers for the opportunity to make a woman happy. It fulfills him to make her happy. Her happiness is his happiness.
Besides not understanding men, there is another reason women tend to give too much. Sometimes a woman will see something or even imagine something about a man that triggers a surge of confidence in her. She feels, This is the man of my dreams; he is the one for me; he is perfect for me. It is as though she falls under a spell.
These kinds of thoughts then lead to action. As she proceeds to pursue him, he becomes less interested in her.
In stage two, it is very important for the man to do little things for the woman so he can repeatedly test and experience the idea that he has the power to make her happy. A man bonds with a woman through being successful in providing for her happiness, comfort, and fulfillment. His doubts are dispelled not primarily by what she does for him, but by how she responds to what he does for her.
When a woman moves into stage two and feels uncertain, she reacts differently from a man. While a man tends to question whether he wants to pursue a relationship, a woman tends to question where the relationship is going.
By giving the man the space to pull away and then once again become more interested, a woman also gets to know if this man is the one with whom she would like to have an exclusive relationship. If she can fill up her life with the support of friends and family and she still misses him, it is a good sign.
Sometimes when a man is in stage two he temporarily forgets about a woman. Two days, two weeks, or even two months can pass by in a flash, and then suddenly he remembers how much he likes a woman.
When people are starving and they don’t have any money to buy food, then quite naturally they might feel, “I will give you anything for this food.” Likewise, when a woman feels loved and adored, she might feel, “I will give anything for this to continue.” This attitude is unhealthy.
When a man is used to fast women and then he meets a woman who wants to go slowly, it is normal for him to grumble a bit. If, however, there is more than just physical chemistry between them, he will respect her wishes and go slowly.
Men need physical intimacy in order to open up and feel their love and desire, and to feel committed.
A man automatically looks at a relationship like an investment. He puts his energy in and hopes to get something out of it. This is why he takes time to pick the right person for himself. It would be foolish to invest everything in the wrong investment.
When a man feels confident and purposeful, he enjoys exerting himself.
Giving still requires effort and risk, but the reward makes it all worthwhile. His reward is the pleasure and pride he feels when he succeeds in making his partner happy.
When he planned in advance, not only did Vanessa feel more provided for and special, but she also had a week to think about the date and look forward to it. Most men don’t realize how important that is to a woman. She loves to look ahead, to prepare, to get ready, and to talk about it with her friends.
Men may talk a lot in the beginning of the relationship because, in a sense, they are on a job interview. They are giving their date a verbal résumé of who they are by sharing what they think, feel, and value.
Many men in stage three will automatically stop complimenting their partner. A man mistakenly assumes that because he is being exclusive, she doesn’t need to hear his compliments anymore.
While the wise man continues to offer his support, a wise woman practices asking for support. No matter how perfect a man is, he is still from Mars. Even if he is deeply in love with a woman, he will still not instinctively know what a woman really needs or when he should offer to help. He could be completely willing but just not know what he should be offering or when he should be offering it.
A woman becomes more attractive when a man clearly knows what she wants. He can then feel confident that he can fulfill her. If she just waits for him to know the right things, she may be waiting her whole life.
When men don’t do the right things, it is because they don’t know what to do or they don’t realize how important a certain thing is on Venus. It has little to do with how much or how little they care.
When a woman gives more instead of directly asking, it gives a man the wrong message. He is led to believe that either she doesn’t need his help or he is already giving enough.
All of this predictable turmoil and conflict can be avoided when a woman recognizes that stage three is the optimal time to ask for support. This is when she has the most negotiating power. In stage three, a man is actually most receptive to her requests.
If a woman waits too long to ask, then when she finally does, in a later stage, the man may get the feeling that she is asking for more because he has not been doing enough. This is not a pleasant experience for a man. He likes to feel that he is a great guy in a woman’s eyes, and very happy to go the extra mile for her. A man is actually much more motivated to say yes to a woman’s requests when she asks him for support with an attitude that is free of strings, expectations, and obligations.
When a man cares about a woman, even if he doesn’t want to do something, he is happy to do that very thing if he gets a clear message that it will make her happy. If he gets a complaining or resentful message that he should do it, he is resistant and may refuse to do more until he is first fairly acknowledged and appreciated for what he has already provided.
Long before a woman gets to stage four (intimacy), when it is appropriate to share negative feelings, she must first discover her power to ask for what she wants and get it without needing to complain.
By learning to ask for what she wants in a positive way, a woman will eventually develop one of the most important skills she needs for having a successful relationship with a man.
men are different and they lose their feelings of attraction for a woman when she is not responsive.
When a woman is feeling resentful, the last thing she wants is for a man to minimize the problem about which she is upset. She primarily needs to talk it out, vent her frustrations, and feel that someone is on her side. This is what intimacy is all about. She needs to feel that he is her ally.
When a man experiences increasing intimacy, he begins to switch back and forth between wanting to get closer and wanting to pull away.
No matter how wonderful a woman is, as they get closer, a man will periodically pull away before he can get closer.
When a man pulls away, it is very important that she not pursue him or try to get him back. She must be careful not to be rejecting when he returns. A man needs to feel that she freely accepts his tendency to pull away.
