Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

It was as though he’d taken a knife and repeatedly plunged it into my chest. Each time I looked at him, the wound was reopened, the pain as fresh and raw as the first time. It was like death by a thousand cuts.

wondered where the guy I met

went—the

th...

with a soft smile and tru...

I never would have thought I could have hated him, and yet I could...

I never wanted to see him again, but at the same time, I didn’...

I think the worst part was realizing that somewhere deep down, I knew it the entire time. I knew he

wouldn’t be able to get where I wanted him to. I just hoped that I was wrong.

No, we never dated. He’s not an ex-boyfriend. He’s an ex-almost. Maybe that’s all we’d ever be—an incomplete sentence or a book that someone put down halfway through and ne...

How was it that I felt so attracted to someone whose name I didn’t know?

I felt myself easily opening up to him.

Life got so much better when I stopped looking for love in every guy I met.

I had let my team down, distracted by my infatuation for Sloane. Why couldn’t I get her out of my mind?

His stride across campus was a master class in arrogance, but somehow with each step, I liked him just a bit more.

Things

were good. Dare I say great? Besides one small thing… We still weren’t dating.

not the type to date, historically speaking. It’s been a decade of bachelorhood for him.

I’d really hate to see you end up hurt.”

I made my way across the basement, and as I got closer to Ethan, I noticed he was talking to another girl.

saw her take what I assume was her phone back from him and continue whatever conversation they were having.

I felt nauseous,

sinking feeling of seeing him with a girl that wasn’t me.

I locked the door and leaned over the sink until I felt tears rolling down my face. Why was I so upset? It wasn’t like he cheated on me. I mean he couldn’t cheat on me since we weren’t dating;

It made me feel like I didn’t know him though.

“I wouldn’t hurt you, Sloane.”

I didn’t know if I should believe him or not.

“Seriously?” He rolled his eyes. “Why do you always have to make everything into a bigger deal than it is?”

“You’re kidding, right?” I asked, my eyes widening.

“I’ve given you literally so much leeway. I don’t know why you can’t or don’t want to date me, and even though that’s what I want, I’ve put my needs ...

“That’s not what I’m tryi...

“Well, it sure feels ...

didn’t want to admit to Lauren that she was right about my relationship with him. I needed to define it, because it was no longer fun and free. Was it ever though?

The thought of him with other girls sent me spiraling.

Maybe he wasn’t dating me not because he wasn’t ready, but because he didn’t want it to be me. How could I get ...

“I needed some space.” “From me?” “No, Sloane.”

“I said it wasn’t about you.” He seemed to be getting angry. “Not everything I do or say directly involves you.” “Oh, okay.”

Even though my parents were divorced, I still believed that love existed. It was never perfect, never secure, and sometimes never forever, but it was something that I believed everyone should experience at least once in their life.

I wished he could see that all I wanted was to love him, and if he’d let me, I’d never leave.

I wanted so badly to believe what people said about soulmates—that one day I’d meet someone who everything fell into place with, and I’d realize why it never worked out with anyone else. I’d like to think that someone for me was Ethan.

I didn’t want a repeat of our weekend in the mountains. I actually wanted to enjoy the night.

Knowing a red flag but pushing it down because you feel "happy" in the moment

wishing he would motion for me to come to stand with him and put his arm around me.

I would do anything for him to give me just the slightest bit of attention.

How could he treat me that way?

Sometimes I felt like I didn’t know him at all, and maybe I didn’t.

How he could go from one extreme, like planning a dinner date, to completely ignoring my existence a ...

Moments like these made me realize that I was the one in the relationship who had more feelings, and...

People always say opposites attract, but I think there’s something wrong with that theory. Ethan and I, we’re like night and day. Maybe that’s our problem.

I found myself asking the question that was always haunting me. “What are we doing, Ethan?”

I didn’t have to elaborate; he knew exactly what I meant. “I don’t know, Sloane,” he admitted, his voice heavy with uncertainty.