Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

“Obviously, I like you.”

“I just…need some time to think. Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” I sighed, feeling a mix of sadness ...

I dragged myself into the bathroom and blasted Taylor Swift on shuffle to put myself in a better mood.

There was nothing that a hot shower and “All Too Well” couldn’t fix.

This whole situation is just—ugh. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen.”

hadn’t heard from Ethan, and I was spiraling.

I waited around for a text from him—it never came, and as much as I wanted to talk to him, I knew what him not reaching out meant. So I was avoiding him in the same way he was avoiding me.

wanted to show up at his apartment and let myself inside, but I knew I shouldn’t. I wanted to call him and tell him that I took everything back, but I knew it was too late. Maybe if I’d just continued to play it cool and not force him into a relationship yet, he’d be here right now, lying beside me in bed. Instead, I had no idea where he was, who he was with, or what he was thinking. I’d have given anything to get into his head sometimes.

He was ending it before it even had a chance to begin. My hands started to shake as I replied with one word.

Sure.

Ethan’s tone via text, my anxiety, and the weather presented the perfect formula for a breakup. Could I even call it a breakup if we were never dating?

All I knew was that conversations in cars were never a good thing. Everything big that had ever happened to me in love happened in a car. My first kiss with Carter, the time he told me he was seeing someone else,

should have never let it get this far. I think we should stop seeing each other.”

You can’t love someone into changing—you shouldn’t have to. I knew that. So why didn’t I believe it?

I had to accept that we were never going to get a chance. How was I able to fall in love with someone who wasn’t sure about me?

What was so wrong with me that every time I got close to love, it ran from me?

If I knew loving him would have hurt this badly, I would’ve never laid my eyes on him.

realized that eventually I was going to end up hurting her one way or another—even

At first, no contact seems impossible, like quitting an addiction cold turkey.

There’s no slowly weaning yourself off of them.

One day you have them, and the next day it’s like ...

As time goes on, you start to remember your life before them. You stop reaching for your phone when you see something that reminds you of them. You take the song...

Eventually, you start to forget the...

One month without contact, and I was becoming a different person. Winter had slowly turned into spring, and the extra freckles I got from the sun were starting to come out again. I had stories Ethan had never heard and memories he wasn’t present for. One m...

I wasn’t sure that I was ready to see Ethan yet, but I realized I had to stop putting my life on pause for someone who was no longer a part of it.

Seeing his name in my inbox felt comfortable, like life was back to normal again, though I knew it wasn’t.

knew the right thing to do was leave Ethan on read and go on that date with Reese.

When it came to Ethan I had absolutely no self-control, and the sad part was, I think he knew that.

I didn’t care that I was settling for a fraction of a relationship with him when I knew I deserved so much more. I was willing to settle for whatever he would give me, because a fraction of him was better than nothing at all.

It wasn’t that the girls didn’t like Ethan; it was that they didn’t like what he was doing to me. Stringing me along was what they liked to call it.

They didn’t know him the way I did though.

“Come on. Do you hear yourself? A relationship isn’t supposed to be this hard. Sure, every couple has arguments and makes compromises but the lead-up shouldn’t be this long. He should know what he wants, and if he doesn’t, maybe that should be a sign that it’s not you.”

knew she was trying to protect me, but those words cut deep.

you need to stop losing your mind over someone who doesn’t mind losing you.”

skirted around the technicality that Ethan wasn’t officially my boyfriend, because let’s face it—one, it was mildly humiliating, and two, in my heart, we might as well have been.

“I really thought things were different this time,”

“I feel so stupid, delusional even, for thinking we could make long distance work when we couldn’t even have a functional relationship as neighbors.”

Love just blinds people. You were blind and hopefu...

Your person is out there, and they’re going to be your person for the rest of your life. You won’t have to worry about this one-foot-in, one-foot-out situation with them. You don’t want someone who comes back; you want someone who never leaves.”

I crawled into bed, burrowed myself under the covers, and tried to sleep. Even then, when I closed my eyes, all I saw was him. Isn’t it funny how that happens?

One day you don’t know someone exists, and the next you can’t imagine life without them.

I started to realize how common almost relationships were. So many people had that one person they loved but never truly dated, but hardly anyone ever talked about it.

Slowly, I started to feel at peace with the fact that Ethan and I were meant to be but weren’t meant to last. It hurt to think of us that way, but it was true.

That night I realized that losing someone

doesn’t necessarily mean losing. Every time someone walks out of your life, someone new eventually walks into it. Losing someone means you’ll eventually gain someone even better.

I’m writing you this letter in hopes that

it’ll give me the closure that you were never able to.

I think back to that night in June, the night you ended things. Sometimes I feel like it was a year ago; sometimes I feel like it was yesterday.

The days are easy, but the nights are hard; that’s when I miss you the most. What I don’t miss, though, is the hurting. I mean, I do still hurt, but not in the same way I did when we were together.