Call It What You Want

by Alissa DeRogatis

The constant wondering: Am I not enough for him? Why am I not good enough? Why doesn’t he love me the way I ...

Somewhere along the line of loving you and then hating you and then missing you and then hating you again, I realized that you did all you could.

I deserved so much more than you were ever willing to give me.

So why did I used to think that I wasn’t deserving of any of it?

I thought I wasn’t worthy of love, and I feel so sorry for the version of myself that believed otherwise. I deserved a title. I deserved a label. I deserved h...

the vivid memories of anger, confusion, and embarrassment washed over me.

remember everything. How can you make yourself forget?

I want to forget.

I want to forget him and every dreaded memory that comes along with him. Can you ever rea...

It’s like looking at the stars knowing the person you’re missing shares the same sky as you, wondering if when they look up, you come to their mind too.

she’ll tell me not to text him. Which is exactly what I shouldn’t do. Yet, I hit send anyway.

You can’t beg someone to love you, as much as I wish you can, you can’t. You shouldn’t have to convince someone that you’re good enough or you’re worth it. That’s something I’m still learning.

I believe in God, but sometimes I think that he wouldn’t keep putting Ethan back into my life if we weren’t meant to work out one day.”

Lauren’s touch is gentle on my shoulder. “Or he’s trying to teach you a lesson. You’re not going to want to hear this, but you need to let him go.

You can’t keep living like this, at his every beck and call. This is your life; he doesn’...

I want more. I deserve more.

I deserve someone who chooses me without question. Someone who loves me without doubt. I want someone who shows up,

my relationship with Ethan isn’t any of those things. It likely never will be.

Maybe this really is...

“One day he’s going to wake up and realize that he lost the best thing he ever had. He lost the only person who would’ve loved him through anything. I hope he hurts. I hope he regrets it. But even more importantly, I hope he learns. I hope he learns that love isn’t always easy. Love is compromise. It’s understanding and accepting.

Someone else is going to give you all of that and more one day, and I can’t wait to see who he is.”

A polite smile is the only moment we share. No small talk or asking how each other has been, because it hurts too much to know. It hurts too much to go back there again. I know he feels it too.

Countless nights I’ve tossed and turned, wondering if the end of us affected him as much as it did me.

Or even sl...

I often wondered if he ever loved me, because he was never able to say it.

I felt it though—in quiet car rides,

I know he loved me, and I’d like to think that a part

of him still does. Maybe, like me, a part of him always will.