Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well

by Douglas Stone

reframe the issue as a difference between you: “I want to hear your perspective on this, and then I’ll share my view, and we can figure out where and

A key factor in happy marriages, Gottman says, is a couple’s ability to change course, to make and respond to “repair attempts” that break the cycle of escalation between them.

Finally, problem solving turns to the question: Now what? Why does this feedback matter, and what should one or both of us do about

But the parts of the brain that register the emotional experience of being shocked did light up. This phenomenon is called a “mirror neuron response,” and it suggests that human beings are wired for empathy.

for empathy, but only toward those who we believe are behaving well.

If we’re going to be able to listen more effectively, it’s going to have to be both on purpose and with a purpose.

Remind it that understanding doesn’t equal agreeing.

If understanding is purpose one, letting the giver know you understand (or, just as important, that you want to understand) is purpose two.

Something to watch for: In an effort to keep listening even when we’re upset, our questions may become “hot”—inquiry in punctuation only, heated by the affront and frustration we’re struggling to contain. Our

Sarcasm is always inconsistent with true inquiry

as are questions that cross-examine

Effective assertion hinges on a key mindset shift: You aren’t seeking to persuade the giver that you are right. You’re not trying to replace their truth with your truth. Instead, you’re adding what’s “left out.”

If you say, “I disagree with that advice,” the giver can’t argue with the fact that you happen to have an opinion on

“I’m feeling underappreciated, so it’s hard for me to focus on your feedback. I think we need to discuss how I’m feeling, as well as the feedback itself.”

You can signal that the information doesn’t fit with how you see yourself without saying the information is wrong.

I’m saying we see it differently. I wonder if there are aspects of how you see this that I’m not fully understanding, as opposed to simply disagreeing with? What would you add?”

The second is that they all sound slightly awkward—not how regular people talk. And paradoxically, that’s one of the reasons these kinds of interventions can be so powerful.

William Ury, and Bruce Patton make a distinction that is crucial to problem solving: the difference between interests and positions. Positions are what people say they want or demand. Interests are the underlying “needs, desires, fears, and concerns” that the stated position intends to satisfy.

Instead of saying, “I feel neglected,” they say, “You travel too much.” The feedback is about you and your behavior, certainly. But the interests involved are not necessarily obvious: You could make a concerted

Once you’ve got a handle on the underlying interests (and whose interests are actually involved), you can turn to the next step, which is creating options. Life is easier when you find options that meet your interests as well as those of the feedback giver.

The number one reason we don’t come up with good options is that we simply don’t think to try. So, try.

we often skip a crucial last step: figuring out what we’ve agreed to and what to do next.

Closing with commitment can be as short as a sentence: “I want to think about what you’ve said, and let’s talk tomorrow.”

The goal is clarity. You should both know where things stand.

friction that produces feedback often reflects differences between us that aren’t going to go away.

Feedback can be accurate, timely, perceptive, and beautifully conveyed, but if it involves too many ideas to keep track of, too many decisions to sort through, too many changes to make, it’s simply too much.

Our capacity to attend to change is a limited resource. Hence, less is more

keep it simple, and here’s how: Name one thing. At the end of the day, is there one thing you and the giver (or givers) see a...

ASK: “WHAT’S ONE THING YOU SEE ME DOING THAT GETS IN MY OWN WAY?”

“What’s one thing you see me doing, or failing to do, that’s getting in my own way?”

“What’s one thing I could change that would make a difference to you?” Sharon posed this question

Experiment. Try the feedback out, especially when the stakes are low and the potential upside is great. Not because you know that it’s right or you know it will help. But because it’s possible it will help. And because actions so often

Trying on a piece of feedback in your mind’s dressing room can be uncomfortable, but it’s a low-risk way of experimenting.

Lowering the stakes often means reframing the question you are asking yourself when it comes to feedback. If the question is “Should I go to yoga for the rest of my life?” the answer will always be no. If it’s “Should I try yoga for one morning and see what I think?”

The truth is, at any time you are changing your habits or approach, or working on a new skill, you are likely to get worse before you get better.

Players didn’t “coach the coach” to help the coaching staff understand what the players actually needed to learn to get better results.

because coaching your coach—discussing the process of what helps you and why—is one of the most powerful ways to accelerate your learning.

The goal is to work together to minimize the interference.

But you are probably aware of some of the ways that you react to feedback—after all, you’re thinking about bringing it up because something

Here’s what I’ve been working on lately, in terms of self-improvement: ___. That’s the area I need the most help with right now,

Three topics should be kept front and center. The first two are about the receiver: (1) Your feedback temperament and tendencies; (2) Growth areas you are currently working on. The third is about the coach: (3) Their philosophy, strengths and weaknesses, and requests.

Grab Bag of Questions for Coach and Coachee Who has given you feedback well? What was helpful about how they did it? Have you ever gotten good advice that you rejected? Why? Have you ever received good advice that you took years later? What motivates you? What disheartens you? What’s your learning style? Visual, auditory, big picture, detail oriented?

When framing a request for feedback, talk in terms of effectiveness rather than ambition.

Your request for feedback should always be tied to doing your current job more effectively:

Here’s something else that matters to both of you: Workers who seek out negative feedback—coaching on what they can improve—tend to receive higher performance ratings.

Workers who seek out negative feedback—coaching on what they can improve—tend to receive higher performance ratings.

You might ask your coach what—if anything—they are finding challenging about the work you’re doing together.

Some forms of coaching can, in fact, come only from your subordinates. What do they know that no one else does? They know your impact on them. When they are in meetings with you, they are also in meetings with your blind spots. They see the things you do that get in the way, that undermine your message, that create extra work for them and others.

When we show ourselves to be interested in and receptive to suggestions, it can be enormously refreshing. The boss is self-confident enough to ask for, and really listen to, feedback.

You might consider establishing “reverse mentor” relationships,