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Asking, what is this feedback not about? gives you a structured way of staying balanced.
While consequences are “objective,” we still have our story about what the consequences mean, and this is where distortions and assumptions creep in. If you decide that not getting
In addition, when in the grip of upsetting feedback, we often fail to distinguish between consequences that will happen and consequences that might happen.
further compounded by our tendency to underestimate how resilient we are
Imagine You’re an Observer Feedback packs an emotional punch because it’s about you. If the exact same feedback were directed at, say, your sister, you might be able to explain to her that it
Ask yourself how significant today’s events are likely to seem in the grand scheme of things.
The ability to laugh at yourself is also an indicator that you are ready and able to take feedback. Laughing at yourself requires you to loosen your grip on your identity.
You have to align yourself with the world and to let go of trying to align the world to you.
We can become obsessed with the desire to get others to admit they are wrong and to change their views about us. How can we accomplish this? We can’t. No matter how wrong and unfair their view of you might be, you can’t control what others think.
The good news is that others aren’t actually spending as much time thinking about you as you might imagine.
don’t dismiss others’ views of you, but don’t accept them wholesale either. Their views are input, not imprint.
All-or-nothing identities present us with this choice: Either we can exaggerate the feedback, or we can deny it.
There are things about ourselves that are hard to accept, but when we do, we’re more grounded.
yourself, and we include them here: You will make mistakes, you have complex intentions, and you have contributed to the problem.
When a mistake is pointed out to us, our first instinct is to defend ourselves or explain it
When we receive negative feedback about our intentions, without exception we take exception.
of learning and growing is having a decent handle on your current capabilities. That tells you what strengths you might capitalize on and nurture, as well as what weaknesses you need to work on or work around.
hear evaluation, it’s helpful to break evaluation itself down into three constituent parts: assessment, consequences, and judgment.
Assessment ranks you. It tells you where you stand.
Consequences are about the real-world outcomes that
Judgment is the story givers and receivers tell about the assessment and its consequences. You
Breaking it down also helps you focus on what you want to discuss with the feedback giver: Are you in agreement with the assessment but not the judgment?
After every low score you receive, after each failure and faltering step, give yourself a “second score” based on how you handle the first score.
In this example, as is so often the case, a good second score is what really matters.
willing to listen. I’ll consider your input. But I may not end up taking it.
If you’re unsure if the coaching is optional or mandatory, discuss it explicitly.
This third boundary is the starkest: If you can’t keep your judgments to yourself,
DO THEY ATTACK YOUR CHARACTER, NOT JUST YOUR BEHAVIOR? They don’t say, “I found that frustrating,” or, “Here’s an idea that would help.” Instead they say, “Here’s what’s wrong with you,” or even, “Here’s
IS THE FEEDBACK UNRELENTING?
WHEN YOU DO CHANGE, IS THERE ALWAYS ONE MORE DEMAND? Some feedback
DOES THE FEEDBACK GIVER TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP HOSTAGE?
ARE THEY ISSUING WARNINGS—OR MAKING THREATS?
IS IT ALWAYS YOU WHO HAS TO CHANGE?
ARE YOUR VIEWS AND FEELINGS A LEGITIMATE PART OF THE RELATIONSHIP?
HATE-LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIPS Psychologists tell us that the most addictive reward pattern is called “intermittent reinforcement.”
Keep this front and center: No matter what growing you have to do, and regardless of how right (or not) the feedback may be, if the person giving you the feedback is not listening to you and doesn’t care about its impact on you, something is wrong.
Letting givers know what they can help you with may be the incentive they need to cut down on the advice you don’t want to hear about.
When you share the complexity or confusion, you are adopting what we call the “And Stance.”
So when setting boundaries, be specific about three things:
With any boundaries you set, don’t be surprised if others stumble here and there as they work to honor the boundary. Don’t lie in wait for a single slipup.
Being in a relationship—whether at work or at home—means being cognizant of the cost of our behaviors
Ask how your choice affects others you live and work with.
This allows them to move on from the fantasy future of a changed Steve and to enjoy who each of them is now.
Three kinds of boundaries: Thanks and No — I’m happy to hear your coaching . . . and I may not take it. Not Now, Not About That — I need time or space, or this is too sensitive a subject right now. No Feedback — Our
Below are three questions that will help you and your giver get aligned. 1. Is This Feedback? If So, What Kind?
If you’re aware, you can make conscious choices about how to respond.
Also ask yourself this: What is your giver’s purpose? What do they think you need?
It’s often unclear whether feedback is a suggestion or a command.
There’s a related common mistake: Two people engage in a conversation as if they need to reach an agreement, when in fact agreement isn’t necessary.
If the feedback is an evaluation, determine its status: Is it final or provisional?
