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July 28 - August 25, 2018
one in four employees dreads their performance review more than anything else in their working lives.
Sixty-three percent of executives surveyed say that their biggest challenge to effective performance management is that their managers lack the courage and ability to have difficult feedback discussions.7
Feedback-seeking behavior—as it’s called in the research literature—has been linked to higher job satisfaction, greater creativity on the job, faster adaptation in a new organization or role, and lower turnover.
seeking out negative feedback is associated with higher performance ratings.
People who are willing to look at themselves are just easier to work with and to live with. Being with people who are grounded and open is energizing.
When you’re open to feedback your working relationships have more trust and more humor, you collaborate more productively and solve problems more easily.
Marriage researcher John Gottman has found that a person’s willingness and ability to accept influence and input from their spouse is a key predictor of a healthy, stable marriage.9
Columnist Thomas Friedman observes, “We’re entering a world that increasingly rewards individual aspiration and persistence and can measure precisely who is contributing and who is not. If you are self-motivated, wow, this world is tailored for you. The boundaries are all gone. But if you’re not self-motivated, this world will be a challenge because the walls, ceilings and floors that protected people are also disappearing.”
Nothing affects the learning culture of an organization more than the skill with which its executive team receives feedback.
The topic of “who” defeats the topic of “what” and the original feedback is blocked. We call this dynamic Switchtracking.
When people complain that they don’t get enough feedback at work, they often mean that they wonder whether anyone notices or cares how hard they’re working. They don’t want advice. They want appreciation.
When you ask your boss for more direction, you’re asking for coaching.
Explicit disagreement is better than implicit misunderstanding. Explicit disagreement leads to clarity, and is the first step in each of you getting your differing needs met.
We can’t focus on how to improve until we know where we stand.
Feedback givers arrive at their labels in two steps: (1) they observe data, and (2) they interpret that data—they tell a story about what it means.
People don’t typically offer their raw observations as feedback. They first “interpret” or filter what they see based on their own past experiences, values, assumptions, and implicit rules
The process of moving from data to interpretation happens in the blink of an eye and is largely unconscious. Artificial intelligence expert Roger Schank has an observation about this: He notes that while computers are organized around managing and accessing data, human intelligence is organized around stories.2
To understand your feedback, discuss where it is: Coming from: their data and interpretations Going to: advice, consequences, expectations
Ask: What’s different about The data we are looking at Our interpretations and implicit rules Ask: What’s right about the feedback to seek out what’s legit and what concerns you have in common.
When something goes wrong and I am part of it, I will tend to attribute my actions to the situation; you will tend to attribute my actions to my character.
THE RESULT: OUR (GENERALLY POSITIVE) SELF All of these amplifiers—our tendency to subtract certain emotions from our self-description, to see missteps as situational rather than personality-driven, and to focus on our good intentions rather than our impact on others—add up. And
37 percent of Americans report being victims of workplace bullies, but fewer than 1 percent report being bullies.
“What do you see me doing, or failing to do, that is getting in my own way?” This question is more specific about the honesty you desire as well as your interest in the impact you have on others.
How I See Me How You See Me Shy Aloof Upbeat Phony Spontaneous Flaky Truth Teller Nasty Passionate Emotional Smart Arrogant High Standards Hypercritical Outgoing Overbearing Quirky Annoying
Don’t say, “This can’t be true, can it?” Instead, lay out the problem explicitly: “Here’s feedback I just got. It seems wrong. My first reaction is to reject it. But I wonder if this is feedback in a blind spot? Do you see me doing this sometimes, and if so, when? What impact do you see it having?”
Designed to track tone, pitch, pace, gestures, and other nonverbal cues, these devices help the researchers examine how such social signals influence productivity and decision making.12 Some of their initial findings are startling: Across contexts as different as business teams, speed-dating, and political opinion polling, approximately 40 percent of variation in outcomes can be attributed to social signaling, behavior mostly occurring in our own blind spots.
We all have blind spots because we: can’t see our own leaky faces can’t hear our tone of voice are unaware of even big patterns of behavior
Blind spots are amplified by: Emotional Math: We discount our emotions, while others count them double. Attribution: We attribute our failure to the situation, while others attribute it to our character. Impact-Intent Gap: We judge ourselves by our intentions, while others judge us by our impact on them.
We are often more triggered by the person giving us feedback than by the feedback itself. In fact, relationship triggers may be the most common derailers of feedback conversations.
with switchtrack conversations, we don’t realize there are two separate topics, and so both get lost as we each hear the other person through the filter of our own topic.
the switchtrack dynamic has four steps: we get feedback; we experience a relationship trigger; we change the topic to how we feel; and, step four, we talk
past each other.
two key kinds of relationship triggers: (1) what we think about the giver, and (2) how we feel treated by the giver.
What We Think About Them Skill or Judgment: How, when, or where they gave the feedback. Credibility: They don’t know what they’re talking about. Trust: Their motives are suspect.
The Rabbit Hole of Intentions You want to hurt me. You’re projecting your own issues onto me. You want to show me who’s boss. You’re playing favorites. You’re threatened by me.
You have no filter and can’t stop blurting out stupid things. You’re just jealous. You’re building a case against me. You’re being nice, but not honest. You’re trying to control me. You’re more than a little nuts.
Relationship triggers also explain why sometimes those closest to us can’t give us feedback, no matter how well intentioned or accurate.
When we are under stress or in conflict we lose skills we normally
have, impact others in ways we don’t see, are at a loss for positive strategies. We need honest mirrors in these moments, and often that role is played best by those with whom we have the hardest time.
How We Feel Treated By Them Appreciation: Do they see our efforts and successes? Autonomy: Are we given appropriate space and control? Acceptance: Do they respect or accept who we are (now)?
Autonomy is about control, and in telling us what to do or how to do it, givers can trip this wire in an instant.
Often our boundaries are invisible—to others and even to us—until they have been violated. That’s when the contours suddenly crystallize.
simply realizing that we’re triggered not by the advice itself but by being told what to do will help us address the correct topic.
Acceptance It’s the paradox at the heart of many feedback conversations: We find it hard to take feedback from someone who doesn’t accept us the way we are now.
There are three moves that can help us manage relationship triggers and avoid switchtracking. First, we need to be able to spot the two topics on the table (the original feedback and the relationship concern). Next, we need to give each topic its own conversation track (and get both people on the same track at the same time). Third, we need to help givers be clearer about their original feedback, especially when the feedback itself relates to the relationship.
Signposting At the point at which you realize there are two topics running simultaneously, say that out loud and propose a way forward.
The template for signposting is this: “I see two related but separate topics for us to discuss. They are both important. Let’s discuss each topic fully but separately, giving each topic its own track. After we’ve finished discussing the first topic, we’ll swing back around and discuss the second one.”
Often when we feel hurt, frustrated, ignored, offended, or anxious, we try to keep feelings out of the picture. We use the guise of well-intended coaching to instead offer a selection of “tips.”
