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July 28 - August 25, 2018
Consequences are about the real-world outcomes that result from the assessment:
Judgment is the story givers and receivers tell about the
assessment and its consequences.
After every low score you receive, after each failure and faltering step, give yourself a “second score” based on how you handle the first score.
In every situation in life, there’s the situation itself, and then there’s how you handle it.
I don’t always succeed, but I take an honest shot at figuring out what there is to learn from the failure. I’m actually pretty good at that.
Our ability to take in and metabolize feedback is affected by how we tell our identity story. Shift from: Simple all-or-nothing to realistically complex.
Fixed to growth — so that you see challenge as opportunity, and feedback as useful information for learning.
Three practices help: Sort for coaching. Hear coaching as coaching, and find the coaching in evaluation. When evaluated, separate the judgment from assessment and consequences. Give yoursel...
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People sometimes seek attention by holding the relationship hostage because they don’t have the skills to express their feelings of insecurity, anxiety, or hurt in any other way.
A warning is a good-faith attempt to explain possible legitimate consequences
Threats have the same “if-then” structure, but spring from a different motive: to induce fear or dependence, to lower self-esteem or confidence, to control or manipulate. And the consequences are manufactured for that purpose:
No matter what growing you have to do, and regardless of how right (or not) the feedback may be, if the person giving you the feedback is not listening to you and doesn’t care about its impact on you, something is wrong.
When you share the complexity or confusion, you are adopting what we call the “And Stance.” It’s a powerful place to stand, and you can use it in any situation where you’ve listened to someone’s input and have decided to go in a different direction:
when setting boundaries, be specific about three things: The Request. What, exactly, are you asking of them?
The Time Frame. How long is the boundary likely to be in place?
Their Assent. Don’t assume that they understand you or agree.
Being in a relationship—whether at work or at home—means being cognizant of the cost of our behaviors and decisions to those around us. If you’re not going to change, you still have a “duty to mitigate.” That means you need to do what you can, within reason, to reduce the impacts of your actions (or inaction) on others.
Three kinds of boundaries: Thanks and No — I’m happy to hear your coaching . . . and I may not take it. Not Now, Not About That — I need time or space, or this is too sensitive a subject right now. No Feedback — Our relationship rides on your ability to keep your judgments to yourself.
When turning down feedback, use “and” to be appreciative, and firm.
Be specific about: The request The time frame The consequ...
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If you’re not changing, work to mitigate the impact on others. Ask about the impact Coach them to deal with the unc...
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Research on married couples done by John Gottman shows that if the first three minutes of a fifteen-minute conversation are harsh and critical, and not corrected by the recipient, the outcome is negative 96 percent of the time.
A key factor in happy marriages, Gottman says, is a couple’s ability to change course, to make and respond to “repair attempts” that break the cycle of escalation between them.
Listening includes asking clarifying questions, paraphrasing the giver’s view, and acknowledging their feelings.
Asserting is a mix of sharing, advocating, and expressing—in essence, talking.
The third skill involves process moves—hinges that turn the conversation in a more productive direction.
Finally, problem solving turns to the question: Now what?
We are wired for empathy, but only toward those who we believe are behaving well.
When we are receiving feedback that feels unfair or off base, when we feel underappreciated or poorly treated, our empathy and curiosity may be neurologically turned off.
Your internal voice gets loud because it wants your attention. If you give it attention, it quiets down. So tune in to what it’s saying, and work to understand it.
When you tune in to your internal voice, you’ll notice that there are patterns; when we’re triggered, we don’t think just anything, we think specific and predictable things.
Assert what you have to assert. It makes listening easier and more effective.
Supercommunicators had an exceptional ability to observe the discussion, diagnose where it was going wrong, and make explicit process interventions to correct it.
Positions are what people say they want or demand. Interests are the underlying “needs, desires, fears, and concerns” that the stated position intends to satisfy.7
the attention and effort that goes into resisting temptation (or forcing new, less-appealing behavior) leaves less energy, attention, and persistence available to complete other tasks.1
Workers who seek out negative feedback—coaching on what they can improve—tend to receive higher performance ratings.8
letting someone far enough into your life to help you transforms the relationship.
Brené Brown observes that a lack of meaningful feedback was the number-one reason cited by talented people for leaving an organization.
When we are asked to make a choice about a subject we’re worried about, and we are presented only with the benefits, we supply the potential drawbacks on our own—some real and some imagined. And then we construct an imaginary way out:
talking about negative behavior often has the unintended effect of reinforcing it as the social norm.
