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As Tanner leans toward me, the faint scent of peppermint lingers on his breath. His soft lips graze against mine, sending shivers down my spine. “Okay,” he whispers before slowly pressing his mouth to mine in a gentle yet firm kiss. The warmth of his touch spreads through my body and I can’t help but melt into the moment. So I do—I melt.
I let every fear about the future and what it means for Tanner and me melt away. I welcome the reprieve from Elijah ripping open my biggest, most withstanding insecurity tonight. For once, I surrender completely to the love that has been simmering beneath the surface for I don’t even know how long.
I know I’ll have to face everything soon, but right now I just want to pretend we aren’t just...
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Despite our agreed-upon rule to not let emotions get involved, I can’t deny that I have developed feelings for him,
My heart races with uncertainty as I type out a message to one of my best friends—to the one person who makes me feel alive. The person I very well could be in love with…if that wasn’t such a horrible idea.
The moment I twist the doorknob, a rush of familiarity overwhelms me. A head of tousled light brown hair bursts into the house. The expression on Tanner’s face is one that I have only seen a handful of times before, though never directed toward me. His usually bright eyes are clouded with anger and frustration, his jaw clenched tightly. A sinking feeling settles in my stomach at the realization that it’s more than likely my text message that has him all out of sorts. “What are you doing here?” I ask as I close the front door behind him. “Seriously, Kat? What is this?” he asks, holding up his
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“I…it got complicated.” “How did it get complicated?” “Don’t make me say it,” I plead as he steps into my space. “Say it,” he whispers. His breath mingles with my own, his lips only a hair’s breadth from my own.
“I think I’m in love with you.”
I think I’m in love with you. Katarina Marritt, the girl whom I’ve spent more time than I’d like to admit wishing would see me as anything more than a friend. The girl I fell for instantly the moment I met her in the student center with her hair disheveled and dried cream cheese on her chin after scarfing down a bagel. The girl I went back in time for.
My heart races as I lean in, pressing my lips against hers. I can feel her heat and breath mingling with mine. For a moment, the world stands still as I gather the courage to speak the words that have been burning inside me for so long. I kiss her, if for nothing else than to buy myself time to figure out how to tell her not only that I love her too, but how much I love her.
“I don’t care what I said. I don’t give a fuck what I said—I never have. Kat, I love you. I’ve always loved you. I mean, fuck, I came back in time because of how much I love you.”
“I love you, Tanner. I don’t know why I wouldn’t have seen that before, but I do now. I don’t care how we got here anymore.”
It will always be a goal in my life—as long as she’ll have me—to erase every memory she has with him, good and bad, and replace it with nothing but love.
In this moment, though, I can tell he wants to make sure I feel safe and loved above all else.
Even if I can’t remember anything about the future beyond the night we went back, I know with absolute confidence that it happened exactly the way it was supposed to.
“Please, make love to me.”
“Kat?” he whispers against my lips. “Yeah?” “I love you.” It’s vulnerable and emotional and, for the first time ever, I’m not terrified of what’s to come. Actually, I’m excited for it. “I love you too,” I whisper back,
Intimacy in a way that I’ve never experienced before; true intimacy with the man I love…and, for the first time in my life, the man who loves me back.
Tanner is so good—we are so good,
“Sweetheart.” Tanner’s voice is tender and calm, everything I need without me having to say a single word. I don’t understand how he does that; how he knows exactly how to talk to me. “Hm?” “Breathe. I can see your gears turning from here…”
“They love you. Almost as much as I do.”
But as our eyes lock, I can’t stop myself from blurting out, “Why don’t you stay the night?” My heart hammers in my chest at the thought of him leaving.
“Okay,” he says.
“Sweetheart?” Tanner prompts. “Hm?” “I love you. My mom loves you. I want nothing more than to stay with you tonight. I can see those cogs turning in that pretty little head of yours and I need you to know none of it is true. This isn’t a big deal and I genuinely hate that you’ve been conditioned to think that it is. It isn’t selfish to ask your partner for what you need. I never want you to stop expressing that, okay?” My voice cracks when I reply, “Okay.” “Okay.” Tanner smiles and squeezes my hand.
And I know with certainty: nothing that makes her smile like that will ever be an inconvenience.
“You’re not stupid. You have an immense capacity to love others—don’t allow your father’s inability to see the worth in that to diminish something that makes you so special.”
“Well, I’m two for two on loving people who don’t love me back, so it’s not exactly easy to look at it from a different point of view.”
“You’re not two for two, though. Yes, your father and Elijah were very hard lessons for you, but—Kat?” “Hm?”
“Tanner loves you back, and that’s not nothing. It’s not everything; it can’t be everything. But he seems like someone who wants to help you be the best you, and that’s not nothing.”
I am truly in love with Tanner,
I stand in front of Tanner, stopping his pacing, and place my hands on his trembling jaw, forcing him to look into my eyes. “I’m okay,”
I lean in closer and whisper against his lips, “I promise. I’m okay.”
His tense body begins to relax, but I can still sense the apprehension in his voice when he ...
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“I know, but I’d prefer not to spend the rest of my life with the man I love in prison....
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Tanner’s eyes soften as he notices my inner turmoil, but his smile doesn’t fade. “I want that, you know. You, forever.”
“Kat, I can see your cogs turning. I’m not going to propose any time soon. We’re young, but just know…I will, one day.”
“I love you,” I whisper against his lips. “I love you too,” he murmurs.
No one has ever looked at me quite the way Tanner does, and I feel immensely grateful for that in this moment. It’s as if this connection—the love we share—is for us and no one else in this world.
“I meant what I said earlier, Kat. I fully intend to spend the rest of my life with you. The good and the bad, all of it.”
This is what I want—you are what I want, okay?”
“I love you more than anything, and I would do anything to keep you in my life.”
Amidst the chaos, I feel a pair of strong arms wrap around me from behind. Tanner’s
I used to spend every waking moment trying to win the love of someone who constantly made me feel small and insignificant. But now, as I lean into the strong embrace of a man who truly loves me, surrounded by our closest friends and family, I am filled with nothing but love and contentment.
The very first night of the rest of our lives.
