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I wonder what it’s like to be loved so unconditionally, to have someone stand by your side through everything life could throw your way…to know they won’t leave you. I want that, even if I don’t know how to get it.
Every symbol, every memory, every memento…I realize they all mean more to me than they ever did to him. How embarrassing it is to know that despite knowing all of that, I still ache for him like I did at twenty years old.
Goodness—what I’d give to be able to go back. Redo it, do it differently, go back to the very first night…
“Who’s Rebecca?” I ask. Tanner glances at me and his expression changes instantly. He grins before extending his hand and saying, “Absolutely no one important. I’m Tanner Adler.” “Kat.” I grin up at him as I take his hand.
“Katarina.” Tanner chuckles, his tone warm and teasing. His grip on my hand tightens and I can feel his eyes studying my face.
“Kat it is.” He squeezes my hand one last time before letting it go. I don’t miss the way the warmth leaving feels…bad. His eyes linger on me for longer than I anticipate—I can’t remember how this happened before. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember meeting Tanner at all. So much of my memory about today revolved around meeting Elijah later at the party. But as I stand here with this boy who I know will grow to be a lifelong friend, I realize there are gaps in my memory from today that I can’t explain.
“So?” Jenna smacks my arm with a cheesy grin. “What?” “Tanner,” she says as she rolls her eyes. “What about Tanner?” While I know where she’s going with this, I can’t for the life of me figure out why. “He’s cute.” “There are lots of cute guys on campus…” “Yeah, but this cute guy seems interested.” “One: no, he’s not. Two: I’m not interested.” I glare at her and a pause settles between us.
“Can I buy you a drink?” An all-too-familiar voice carries from behind me. Instantly, it makes me smile. I roll my eyes, turning around to find Tanner grinning down at me. “The drinks are free.” “Fine, if you want to be, like, a scientist about it.” He chuckles as he snatches two red plastic cups from the stool beside the transparent container, which is filled almost to the brim with the unknown red liquid. He holds it out to me, seemingly posing a question. “Sure, why the hell not?” I chuckle.
“You’re wanted, and you should be able to feel wanted. It sucks that he made you feel like that wasn’t true.”
“Calm down, killer, it’s me…and I’m far too pretty to have steak-knife-sized stab marks all over my face.” I twist around, finally connecting the voice with a face as Tanner comes into view. He releases my hand as a chuckle breaks free, his infuriating smirk weirdly managing to quell my racing heart.
He stares at me with a puzzled expression on his face. “What?” I say through my mouthful of ice cream. His face contorts again, except this time his lips form a smile. “Nothing, you’re just really hot when you talk with your mouth full like that,” he says, dodging my arm as I swat at him. He digs his spoon into the other side of the rocky road. “Shut up,” I laugh.
“I’m sorry for keeping you up,” I say quietly. “I was already up—I’ve always been a massive insomniac, and this heat doesn’t really help. Besides, I heard someone come downstairs, so I was pretty sure there was gonna be someone to talk to.” He flashes me that signature Tanner Adler smile and I know with certainty that he means it.
I notice he’s sporting that same irate look he had in the kitchen—except now it’s aimed at me. Then I realize he isn’t looking at me. He’s looking at Tanner’s Blink 182 T-shirt hanging off my frame.
In a move that is most definitely not part of the choreography, Tanner grabs my hand and twirls me away from him. Before we know it, three songs have passed and we’re panting from all of our laughter.
Tanner’s order gets called right after mine, a black coffee that he proceeds to load up with cream and sugar—much less exciting than my latte. “You haven’t heard that conspiracy?” “What conspiracy?” I lean against the self-service bar as he stirs his drink. “People think that they do it on purpose to get you to be outraged and post it on social media. One time, they wrote ‘Shera’ on mine. S-H-E-R-A—not even close to Tanner. I’m convinced it’s intentional.” He scoops his empty sugar packets off the counter and drops them into the trash can. “There is no way it’s that calculated.” “Capitalism,
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“So, what’s your major?” “Photography with a business minor.” Tanner’s eyes light up. “Photography? That’s awesome! I’m guessing you plan to open your own business?” “Yeah—weddings, I think. But I guess starting out I’ll probably do a bunch of stuff. I take jobs on the side, but I don’t plan to go fully in on it until after graduation.” “You know…I need a new headshot for this job fair the university is hosting at the end of next semester. Do you think you could?” He asks it tentatively, as if fearful I’ll say no. “Of course! Just tell me where and when and I’ll bring my camera!” “Awesome!”
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“Get on with it, Adler.” “I live with twenty-five guys. Most of which haven’t even touched that kitchen. And…since you and Jenna are some of the only non-brothers coming…” Despite tiptoeing around what is essentially begging, amusement lingers in his eyes. “You want me to bring pie,” I say blandly. “Actually, if you would be so kind—cheesecake.”
“It’s Thanksgiving. Why would I bring cheesecake? If anything, I think the traditional pie is pumpkin.” His face contorts into an expression of disgust. “Every occasion calls for cheesecake. Random Tuesday? Cheesecake. Passed your final? Cheesecake. Failed your final? Two cheesecakes.” “Fine!” I laugh at his absurdity. “I’ll come over early and make a cheesecake.”
“Tanner!” I yell, but it comes out more of a growl. “You rang?” Tanner appears in the entryway. “What happened to there will be no dessert? Hm?” A mischievous smirk tugs at the corners of his mouth, revealing a glint of amusement in his eyes. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, a telltale sign of someone who has been caught red-handed. “Tanner!” “Did I say no dessert? That’s my bad. I meant…no cheesecake. We needed cheesecake.”
“I am sorry I deceived you. What I meant was…I needed cheesecake.” “You’re an ass.” I laugh. “You love it,” he says with a wink before walking over to Jenna and sticking a spoon in the pot she’s stirring. “Needs salt.”
“It’s pudding,” she says. His shocked expression causes her glare to intensify. “I’m making a trifle.” “That’s pudding? Might I recommend…” He walks into the pantry and reemerges with two Jell-O instant pudding mixes. “These?” “Kat’s right—you are an ass!” Jenna laughs as she yanks the boxes from his grasp, then shuts off the burner on the stove. Tanner walks past me and the moment our eyes meet, he shakes his head with wide eyes. “Don’t eat the trifle.”
“Wait, where did you go to school?” I ask as he steps across the threshold. “Kilbourne. You?” “Scioto.” “Small world,” he says with a laugh as he sets the bag on the kitchen counter. “I believe we beat you guys in football senior year.” “We were robbed!” I laugh. “Whatever you gotta tell yourself, sweetheart.”
“Not necessarily. He’s supposed to suck—it’s part of his appeal. Like Dennis from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Except…slightly less of a bad person.” I stare at him blankly. He reels with shock again. “Don’t tell me you’ve never seen It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia…” “I…have never seen It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” “Remind me when we’re back on campus, I need to get you on a stern regimen of comedy TV education.”
“Thank you for coming over tonight,” I say, my tone far more serious than moments before. For a moment, I think he isn’t going to respond. Then, when his eyes meet my own, a faint smile paints his lips, though it doesn’t quite meet his eyes. “Of course…I’ll always show up for you.”
“Thank you,” I say quietly. “For what?” “For coming.” The moment the words leave my mouth, he quirks a brow. I throw the other accent pillow at him, and this time it smacks against his cheek. “Oh, you’re going to get it,” he laughs as he stands up and gathers an armful of the pillows. I quickly dart away, placing the kitchen island between us as he adopts what I can only describe as a fighting pose, preparing to strike.
“Are you okay?” Tanner asks as he approaches and rests his hand against the small of my back. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I wave my hand in an attempt to feign indifference and force out a laugh. My voice cracks as I do. “Come to my house tomorrow,” he whispers so quietly I can barely hear him. “I can’t do that. That would be rude.” “It’s not rude, because I’m inviting you. Come tomorrow—my mom loves meeting new people.” I dwell on the thought for a moment before turning to him. His eyes are so sincere that I quickly come to a decision. “Okay.”
He is dressed in dark-wash jeans and a cable-knit maroon sweater. Weirdly enough, it is almost the exact same shade as my sweater. He steps to the side to allow me through the door. With his lips a mere whisper from my ear, he says, “Mine is better.” “You’re an idiot,” I say with a laugh. “Got you to smile, didn’t it?” He winks before backing away, his bare feet padding against the floor.
“You are gorgeous! Isn’t she gorgeous?”
“The most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen,” Tanner responds, an awkwardness in his voice that I can’t quite place,
“It’s lovely to meet you. Your home is beautiful.” I smile awkwardly. Larry looks around as if seeing the space for the first time. “By golly, it is! Elaine, you’ve decorated our home beautifully.” “Sucking up to me right now isn’t going to save the cup of gravy you spilled everywhere!”
a perfectly prepared cheesecake sitting amidst the otherwise traditional holiday desserts. I chuckle, pulling Tanner’s attention in my direction. “Cheesecake,” I say. “Cheesecake.” He grins down at me with a quirk of his brow.
When dinner comes to an end, I find myself oddly disappointed at the realization that it’s over. Tanner’s family are some of the kindest people I’ve ever met. Leaving isn’t something I expected would sadden me, so when Tanner’s eyes meet mine, I know with certainty that he can tell what’s plaguing me.
He glances at me, and I can feel my stomach erupt with butterflies. What the hell was that?!
The moment Tanner notices Jenna has the aux cord, he snatches it out of her grasp. “Driver’s choice, Jen.” He grins, ignoring her as she flips him off. “What do you want to listen to, Kat?”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Jenna squeals in irritation, then laughs. “She’s just going to want to listen to 1989.”
“That’s actually not ...
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“Fine, what do you want to liste...
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“Reputation, ...
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Jenna groans before slumping back into her seat, but Tanner doesn’t question it and queues up Taylor Swift’s Reputation album on Spotify. “Ready For It” begins to play, instilling me with a...
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Tanner reaches into the unbranded white plastic bag and grabs the two packages of Reese’s cups. “Here.” He grins as he hands me one of the two.
“What is this?” I stare at the orange package but make no effort to grab it from him. “Chocolate…?” “Yeah, but why—” “Don’t you like Reese’s cups?”
“Why are you drinking beer?” “Because it’s a party and I want to be drunk.” He continues to stare at me. “What?!” I huff, irritation creeping into my voice. “You hate beer.” He says it so matter-of-factly, like I somehow forgot that fact. “I know.” “So, why are you drinking it?”
Noticing the shift in my tone, Tanner steps toward me. As he invades my space, the scent of beer and cologne overwhelms my senses. It should smell gross, but the way it mingles with what I assume to be just him smells…nice.
I murmur a soft “Thank you,”
In this brief moment, it’s just the two of us—his piercing green eyes meeting mine, everything else fading into the background. The chaos of the party becomes muffled, as if we’re in our own little bubble of silence. Reaching up, I grab the cup from his hand, but jerk away quickly as the touch of his skin causes an electric current to shoot through me. What in the actual fuck was that?
“I put your wine in the back of the fridge. Figured you’d want to know, since I know how much you hate beer.”
A lump forms in my throat at his dad’s words, the scathing disdain toward me only worsened by the word he used. Not “that girl,” not simply “her,” but “that whore.”
He didn’t know about me, or if he did…it was surface-level. Some girl Elijah has been seeing at school, but not someone who matters.
I expect him to comfort me, to tell me that they’ll get past what happened, that we’re in college and that they know better than to judge me after finding me naked in bed with their son once. That one day they’ll learn to love me the way he does, even if he’s never said it.
He does none of those things. Elijah offers me no comfort, no loving reassurances that I’m not what his dad called me, no reminder that his parents aren’t in this relationship and that I matter.
