The Very First Night

by Nicole Ryan

No hug, no tight squeeze to quell the tears streaming down my face. No reminder that this didn’t entirely change everything about us.

He can’t say that this didn’t ruin everything…because it did.

Tanner sits down next to me. If he notices that my eyes are puffy and that I’ve been wearing this sweatshirt for three days, he doesn’t mention it. He simply shoots me a grin before saying, “You look pretty,” without an inkling of sarcasm in his words.

“Here,” Tanner says. He grabs my tray and walks it over to the trash can. Jenna stares at me. I pin her with a glare. “No.” “Why not?” she asks. “Because I’m with Elijah.” “Are you, though?”

“I just noticed the time; I have a class in Taylor Hall in fifteen. I’ll text you later, okay?” He looks down at me with anticipation. “Okay,” I respond quietly. Tanner says goodbye to Jenna and hurries out of the diner. Jenna gives me another look. “Shut up,” I growl.

He should be here.

“Katarina Marritt, as I live and breathe,” a warm and familiar voice intones from my bedroom doorway. The moment I turn around and find Tanner grinning back at me as he leans against the doorframe, any sort of irritation from before is gone. Gone and replaced with nothing but elation. “Tanner!” I squeal, lunging across the room and wrapping my arms around his neck. Despite my sweat-dampened skin, he squeezes me tightly, lifting me off the ground in the process. “I thought you weren’t heading up until tomorrow!” “I wasn’t, but my brother broke the garage door, and given how pissed my dad was, I figured it best to dip out a little early.”

And that’s what I’ve always felt like with Elijah—pathetic. I refuse to let him make me feel that way again.

“If your time was such a privilege, maybe your dad would fucking want it, eh?” And then he’s gone. Walking out my bedroom door without having offered the apology he came in here to dish out, the kind and empathetic man nowhere in sight. Only the cruelty—the hate in his heart—lingering in the air.

Whenever he said something that hurt my feelings, it was covert or subtle, so much so that at the time I convinced myself I was making it up.

Now I’m starting to realize that is exactly what he wanted.

What did I ever see in that guy?

So why the hell do I care? That’s the eternal question, isn’t it? Why does anyone continue to care deeply for someone who doesn’t care at all?

He doesn’t recoil as I squeeze him tightly; he simply wraps his arms around me and hugs me back. “Kat…” “Yes?”

Tanner seems to fight off a laugh as he asks, “How much did you drink?” “A few, why?” “You smell like you bathed in whiskey. Let me guess, Jenna wanted to take shots?” “Biiiingo.”

I desperately search for a way to express how much I want him, and my body takes the lead. I rise onto my tiptoes and brush my lips against his. He leans into the kiss, then suddenly pulls back as I try to deepen it with my tongue. His hesitation only fuels my desire and I reach up, tangling my fingers in his hair and pulling him closer. “Kat, no.” His voice sounds pained and I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused. “But I thought you wanted⁠—” “I do,” he reassures me. “But you’re drunk and I’m not that guy.” “I’m not that drunk.” “I don’t care.”

“Hey, hey,” he soothes, his voice pleading and tender as he steps toward me, tipping my chin up so my eyes meet his. “I don’t want you to take me saying no to you tonight as me saying no. Trust me, it’s taking everything in me right now not to give you exactly what you’re asking for. But you’re drunk, and I would never ever want to take advantage.”

It’s a weird feeling, disliking someone so much but also holding onto the memory of who you thought they were. Still, I can’t figure out what would have driven me to go back in time and fix things with a man like that.

“Kat…” Tanner’s voice grows stern, gravelly, and I perk up at the sound. “Hm?” “I can hear you spiraling from here. What’s up?”

What’s up? What’s up?! I don’t know, Tanner, what’s up with you?!

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”

“Kat, look at me.”

As I lock eyes with him, a fluttering sensation erupts in my stomach, sending butterflies soaring in every direction. His earnest gaze holds me captive and my heart races erratically in response.

“I haven’t brought it up because I wanted to give you an out if you wanted it. You were drinking last night, and you didn’t seem too keen on the idea prior to that. I never want you to think I’m pushing you to...

“I want you, Kat, more than I think I’ve ever wanted anyone.”

I anticipate his kiss, mentally begging for it as if it’s the last shred of salvation at my disposal; as if it’s the only source of oxygen in the room. However, rather than kissing me, he forces me to meet his gaze. “Before any of this happens, I need to make one thing clear. The most important thing about this arrangement is that you know that you never have to question what I’m thinking. I promise I will always tell you how I’m feeling. If the way I feel about this arrangement changes, I will tell you. I realize that you’ve been in situations that left you feeling like information is always being withheld, but that isn’t the case here. So, Kat?”

“Hm?” “Breathe.”

There are few things I want more than anything in this world: my parents to live long and healthy lives, my brothers to get into good schools and grow out of being the little shits they are, to find a good job after graduation, and to know what it feels like to make Katarina Marritt orgasm, ideally more than once.

But I so badly want to be able to touch her freely, to feel her soft skin against my palm without restraint, to know the way her tongue tastes as it grazes my own. I’m thankful that I no longer have to wonder what it’s like to feel her. Elijah never deserved her—the thought of them together actually makes my skin crawl. However, it was never my choice to make; never my place to lure her away from him simply to be able to touch her when she clearly loved him. I’m not that guy. I’ll never be that guy. That’s what makes this new advancement just that much sweeter. She wants this, she wants me…even if it’s just for the sake of wiping him from her memory.

I’ve been avoiding Elijah like the plague.

I’ll get out there with them soon. I always struggle to keep up with the basic line dance moves, but I do it anyway just to make Kat happy. Dancing might not be my forte, but seeing her smile is worth it all.

Kat continues to dance and I am completely transfixed as the soft white cotton of her cropped T-shirt rides up slightly, revealing what I can only assume is the black lace of her bra underneath. When she turns around—as I presume the choreography dictates—it is somehow an even better sight. When Kat left the house earlier in a pair of denim cutoff shorts, I admittedly thought she was nuts, seeing as it’s mid-October. However, I can’t help but appreciate how her toned ass cheeks peek out from the frayed hem of her shorts with her every step. Thank you, universe, for Kat’s bold—if not mildly unconventional—fashion choices.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I joke as I walk over to the cracked refrigerator and grab a bottle of water before closing it tight. Tanner’s lips curl into a playful grin as his eyes roam down my exposed legs, taking in every inch of skin before traveling back up to meet my gaze. “I have to admit,” he states, “I quite enjoy it, actually.” His voice is low and husky, sending a shiver down my spine. “Oh, and why is that?”

“Well, for starters…” My stomach jumps in anticipation of what he’s going to say. I try but can’t will myself to pry my eyes away from those lips—those lips that have proven to be everything but “just a friend” when pressed against my skin.

“I enjoy seeing you like this.” I can’t shake the feeling that my skin is completely engulfed in flames. “Like what?” I whisper. “Like no one is going to see you. Like…I get a glimpse of the you that has no plans of being perceived.” He clears his throat before slowly appraising my body once more. “It’s…intoxicating.”

Ya know, other than the fact that I’m terrified that I think I’m slowly descending into madness and I’m actually moderately falling for my best friend and will absolutely send my entire life nuclear if I don’t figure out a way to get that under control.

“What are you planning?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea what you are talking about.”

“Jenna…” I glare at her. She avoids eye contact for a few seconds before looking at me. “It was Tanner’s idea.”

She deserves a great birthday, even if the devil incarnate insists on being home tonight. Like, seriously, why is it such a hard ask for you to stay at the Lambda house when you know your presence makes her uncomfortable? Oh, right, it’s because you’re Elijah, and you are a self-centered, egotistical prick.

“Get the fuck out!” Marcus, who I have never seen yell—ever—gets in Elijah’s face and shouts, “Get the fuck out of this house. I want your shit out before the end of the weekend, but for tonight, leave!” “You can’t kick me out. I’m on the lease.” “And I know enough about you to tank your dad’s campaign for reelection. You want to play chicken? Because I promise you, tough guy, you’ll lose. You and I will talk tomorrow, but right now you need to go.”

“Kat? Do you mind if I come in?” At first I don’t say anything—not because I don’t want him to, but because I’m silently questioning if I even remember the sound of my own voice. It so clearly failed me downstairs, so why would now be any different? “Kat, open the door, please.”

My hands tremble as I fixate on the sound of his voice. My heart aches to let him in, to feel his warm embrace and the comfort that comes with it,

For a moment, he sits in silence, then reaches over to grab my arm. He slowly pulls me toward him until I am nestled beneath his chin, his strong arms wrapping around me in a protective embrace.

And that’s it—that is the moment all of my walls come crashing down. The tears that I had been desperately holding back now flood free. It’s as if his touch has unlocked the floodgates of emotion inside of me and now I can’t cage them back in.

I get the sense he would be willing to stay like this for hours if it means easing my pain. He doesn’t know it, but he is about the only thing keeping me from completely falling apart.

“What’s this?” I ask. “It’s an ice roller?” he says questioningly. He’s seen me use Jenna’s on far more occasions than I’d like to admit to soothe my swollen, tear-stung eyes. I blink at him. “But Jenna’s is blue.” “I bought you a new one last week. Figured it can’t be sanitary sticking that on your eyes after Jenna does God knows what with it.” A pained chuckle spills past my lips as I grab it from him and press it to my left eye. “You’re an idiot.” “Got you to laugh, didn’t I?”

“I’m sorry about earlier,” I murmur. “No.” Tanner’s voice is stern, almost angry as he pries his gaze away from the far wall and looks me in the eye. “Don’t apologize for that. That was not your fault, not even in the slightest. I seriously hate him even more for the fact that you’ve been conditioned to think you need to apologize for his actions.”

“Well, I’m sorry I made it your problem,” I say. “Had I known he would do something like that, I would have been more careful.” “Stop that,” Tanner snaps. “Stop what?” I ask. “Apologizing for things you didn’t do, especially apologizing for the actions of men. I came up behind you downstairs—I put my arms around you. That, downstairs? That was nothing but a pissing match between Elijah and I that he felt necessary to drag you into. That was not your fault. Do you hear me?” He slides his finger underneath my chin and presses upward, forcing my eyes to meet his. “Katarina, do you hear me?” His stern voice does things to me that this situation could not possibly call for. “Yes,” I whisper. “Good.” He sighs, pressing a kiss to my forehead.

“Okay. Is there anything that I can do to salvage your birthday? We have most of the cake left; I can go grab you a piece and⁠—” I close my eyes and press my mouth against his, savoring the tingling sensation that spreads through my body. My mind swirls with a hundred different thoughts and distractions, but all I want is to lose myself in this moment. To forget everything else—the pain, the chaos, the uncertainty—and just be present with him. As our kiss deepens, I can feel it all slipping away, if only for a little while. He slowly pulls away, his eyes heady with lust as he says, “Kat, we don’t have to.” I reach out and grasp his hand, clinging to it as my heart pounds inside my chest. I whisper, “I want to.”