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Who needs a childhood when you can have a car?
about my love life—or enormous lack thereof—everything
“You’ll find your perfect, moody boyfriend and drag him into our friend group like a demon dragging an innocent soul through the gates of hell.”
And yes, we both burn like unattended bacon in direct sunlight,
Even if you’re terminally alone for the rest of your life, and you end up one of those creepy old men that sit at the Waffle House reading their newspaper for hours every morning while slurping watered-down coffee and making passes at the servers.”
fucking an inflatable goat
combust,
The hole box?”
You get a splinter on an old pew?”
“First of all, splinters are the leading cause of finger amputations,
A little quiet, but there’s not much to say when you’re hacking up soggy animal carcasses in the name of science.”
“I’m herry vise.”
“You just agreed with Freddy. These are dark times, Caleb. Dark times indeed.”
“At this point, you’d think the principal would cover that poor woman in bubble wrap.”
My brain short circuits, and I have to remember how to form words.
so they’ll go on forever about the difference between practical effects versus computer-generated ones.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t slowly dying in the stands.
Even his title, ‘Project Manager,’ sounds like a snoozefest.”
GIF of a cat with coffee jitters.
Maybe I should add that to the ever-growing list of “Weird Things I’ve Felt Since Accidentally Recording Ghost Orbs.”
“Interesting. How bad should I scar the poor boy?”
“Caleb, you’re about to vibrate into a parallel universe over there. Can you at least chill long enough for us to get inside?”
flirt-detector.
Cue the intrusive thoughts about it falling and crushing me.
Sister Loretta emerges
from the darkness to strangle Father Radcliffe to death with her blood-covered spiked rosary.
“Seriously? How did I miss that? Curse this incredibly entertaining movie!”
They’re going to burn us at the stake, Wren.”
Do you think your mom would defend us in court if we end up having to kill someone in self-defense?”
“Me and Wren went over to his house tonight to watch a movie, and I sort of held his hand, which may or may not have caused him to run out of the room and sparked a possible identity crisis.”
If you’d kissed him, would his head have exploded?”
Can’t I just flirt with him some more and not have to worry about the identity crisis
thing?”
And I think you’re right. I caught myself ordering a spinach salad at lunch today. Who the hell am I?”
“Yikes. Maybe you’re the one with the identity crisis.”
Dad already looked uncomfortable, so… Nice job, kid, you’re expanding your friend circle, and I’m proud of you.”
What if there doesn’t have to be consequences because what if what is happening is actually nothing to be afraid of?
What?
But Oliver was persistent, clinging to us like a goofy little
parasite, and eventually, I got over myself and accepted it.
is he blackmailing you
witness caleb murdering someone in the basement and now you’ve seen too much and he’s threatening to kill you too if you don’t do whatever he says
i’m sticking with my theory of extortion
that’s not what extortion
is
Theo, this whole thing is weird, so I’m going to be weird about it until you tell me the truth.
“You were already passed out when I got home last night. I could hear you snoring down the hall.”
want to hold your hand and maybe make out with you in the basement” kind of way?
“In case you haven’t noticed, Cal, I have no life. I’ll be at home, slogging through piles of depositions and, if I’m lucky, starting on the homework that’s due tomorrow morning.”
“Jeez, Harry! You almost capsized me!”
“Welcome to Brigg's Oasis. It’s going to ruin any community pool
