The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse (The Narcissism Series Book 1)

by Debbie Mirza

exaggerates achievements and talents,

Requires excessive admiration.

takes advantage of others to achieve

is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

Is often envious of others or believes that others

The word covert is defined in the Merriam-Webster dictionary as “not openly shown.” Passive aggressive is defined as “displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way.”

Covert narcissists are likable to the outside world; they appear to be giving, humble, and kind. Image is the most important thing to them.

they rarely change because narcissists blame others because they usually don’t think they have a problem.

It is all about them, but they know how to appear like it isn’t.

For example, they despise taking care of you when you are sick or recovering from surgery or an injury.

To family and friends, they will tell stories of how much they feel for you and appear to be tak...

will feel their resentment of you,

feeling badly for taking up their time, for inconveniencing them, and often end up apologizing for something.

because in their mind it doesn’t sound that bad,

This is called cognitive dissonance, having two competing thoughts in your mind at the same time.

Their mask cracks when you, the survivor, begin trusting yourself.

bombing phase: •He was so kind.

I felt so lucky to find him. •He was different. He talked about his feelings.

He opened up to me about his abusive childhood. He was really honest and vulnerable.

He was confident. He seemed to have his life together.

He seemed tender. •I felt safe with him. •He was a really good listener.

He could get along with anyone. It was remarkable.

They are on the same page it seems. This is an illusion the CN presents.

When the negativity started, the CN’s target kicked into fighting for

These are common traits of targets. She determined she would live her life doing just that. She would whole-heartedly get to know everything about him and love him like he had never experienced. She would give him all the attention he was craving, getting to know him in the way he longed to be known.

She did that for over 25 years. When he would do things that weren’t kind or respectful, she would see him as a wounded man that never got the love he needed and would excuse his behavior over and over because of it. He used her sympathy to control and manipulate her for decades. She would never have tolerated a lot of his behavior if it hadn’t been for the groundwork laid in the love bombing phase. Later, during the discard, Timothy told Sara it was clear to him that she never loved him.

statements they make, looks they give that begin to demean and devalue you.

you have no value, no matter what you do, no matter how kind you are, no matter how much you do for them, you will never ever be enough for them.

You receive beautiful love letters, affection, and loving gestures. You continue to believe this is a good relationship, and your partner loves you. You tell everyone around you how lucky you are to have the partner you do because you sincerely believe that.

Through the years, you notice your health isn’t great, you feel a low level of depression, you aren’t that happy, but you contribute these things to other things in life or blame yourself. The way your CN spouse treats you goes unnoticed because it has become your normal. You don’t notice the consistent devaluing because it is so subtle,

everything was on his time, what worked for him.

At the same time he was devaluing Susan, he was also telling her how beautiful she was, giving her heartfelt cards. They were enjoying times together, laughing about things, going on road trips, talking about their dreams together, bonding

Little acts that always have excuses that give the target the message that they don’t matter.

statements they make that may not seem like put-downs on the surface, but make you feel bad about yourself.

They will say nothing is wrong when it feels to you like something is wrong.

They will also devalue you by letting you think something is your fault when it is actually their issue. This is called projection. They project what is true about them onto you and you end up taking the blame without even noticing.

CN’s don’t like to help around the house. They will, but the target will feel their anger and irritation. After time, the victim learns it’s just easier to do things on his or her own and to not ask for their help.

Some they say right to your face while others you receive from the CN’s actions,

They paint a false reality and say things about you that simply aren’t true, but you question yourself wondering if they are right, because they sound so confident, act like they know more than you, and you feel like you can’t think straight. They twist your words and confuse you with strange thinking. This leaves you questioning and doubting yourself constantly. You feel weak, confused, and incredibly fearful about your future. You feel very alone.

They are defensive and angry. Then they are calm and void of feeling.

You are trying to find answers. They are not.

The CN paints a picture of you that is not accurate, but they make you feel like it is.

There are enough grains of truth mixed in with bizarre distortions of reality that make you wonder if they are right about you.

also becomes more aggressive with their words and actions than...

The CN will blame you for just about anything and everything. Back to the last example, Emily counted over

is that most of what they say about you is actually a projection of what is true of them.

self-reflective.

not in them to behave that way.

They are honest and real.

They tend to be flexible, easy going.