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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Debbie Mirza
Read between
October 26 - October 27, 2019
His actions did not match his words.
It felt like it was all up to me to make it work. He put the full responsibility on her to make the relationship work. I felt like I was just there to make him feel good
If you were in a relationship where you lost the desire for sex, that is because your body is super smart. It knew you were not emotionally safe with your partner. If you were experiencing real love, you would have wanted sex, you would have easily experienced orgasms, and it would have felt like love every time. You would have felt respected and cherished.
“Not many men would have lasted this long being married to you!” Sarah’s CN husband told her during his break up speech. This statement is just one example of CNs being incredibly cruel with the words they hurl at you.
hurls of insults, compliments, “poor me” proclamations, and superior thinking. They speak to you in an incredibly condescending way.
Some of those theories include they harm others because they were abused as a child, they hate themselves, their childhood needs were not met, they do not see people as
they experienced trauma as a child, they like to feel superior, they are reacting to feeling unseen and misunderstood as a child, they weren’t loved growing up, they were spoiled and idealized as a child, and they were raised with both grandiosity and worthlessness.
“He had a rough childhood.” •“She doesn’t know how to love because she didn’t have a good mom.” •“He had an abusive father that didn’t treat his mom well, so he didn’t have a good example of how to love.” •“He is wounded, so he is lashing out at me from a place of pain.” •“He’s just scared. It’s fear that is beneath his anger.” •“She’s tired and under a lot of stress.” •“He is insecure. That’s why he is treating me this way.
not interested in getting help. They are not interested in healing, and they do not think they have a problem.
Urinary tract infections were very common among women in romantic relationships with CNs. The probable emotional reasons: •Carrying a tremendous amount of guilt and fear. •A deep-seated belief that there is something wrong with you. •Allowing people to manipulate and control you. •Sexual pressure and shame.
You lose sight of the truth of who you are. The life inside you is not there like it used to be. Your heart has been deeply wounded and betrayed. You feel devastated.
The truth is you were in love with an illusion, with the person they portrayed themselves to be.
if they really are innocent and you’re just scared to move on.
validate years of confusion you felt, years of unexplained exhaustion and health issues, years of sexual confusion, years of feeling less than, and years of unhappiness along with anxiety.
You did not experience unconditional love; you did not live with someone who treated you with respect, who cherished you, treasured you and felt
hates you and sees you as the enemy, blaming you for so many things that make no rational sense. At
relationship never meant the same to them as it did to you. You approached it from a genuine, good-hearted, loving place.
they have massive issues and have projected them onto you for years making you think that you are responsible for things that have nothing to do with you.
The only difference is that the emotional abuser does not use physical hitting, kicking, pinching, grabbing, pushing or other physical forms of harm. Rather the perpetrator of emotional abuse uses emotion as his/her weapon of choice. Emotional abuse in our culture is pervasive and damaging, and it’s as relevant a topic as physical and sexual
covert tactics not only hurt you, they also chip away at your identity, your self-worth and make you feel like this is all your fault.
“Psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously.”
When you start to experience cruelty from them that is more overt or when you begin to discover they have many narcissistic traits, this messes with your mind because seeing them as possibly being manipulative and controlling contrasts the belief that they are loving, kind, and innocent.
What makes it even harder is the fact that people around you see the CN in a positive light.
The CN in your life is constantly telling you that or inferring it. Also, you are a self-reflective person that takes responsibility for your actions, not wanting to blame other people.
“That’s so not true. That’s not even close to who I am.”
One thing to notice is that CNs will tell you what is wrong with you. Targets don’t do that. Targets say things like, “When you said that, I felt this…”
They blame others; they don’t take responsibility for themselves but instead project their own issues onto others.
in the other person’s shoes, showing respect, really listening, caring about the other person’s feelings, being
self-reflective, and wanting the best for the other person. The relationship can only work if both people have these traits.
What Does Love Actually Look Like? When you live with a CN for a long time, toxic behavior becomes your new normal. You lose touch with how love is really supposed to look and feel. It is important and helpful to get in touch with what the real thing looks like. One way of doing this is looking at the relationships you do have that are consistently loving. Jackson MacKenzie calls these people your “constants” in Psychopath Free. I love that. It’s a great term for it. These are the people in your life that are consistent. They have loved you for years. You feel safe with them; you feel
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discombobulated around them? Does your stomach ever tighten when you are with them? Do they ever tell you all the things they think are wrong with you? When you are with them, do you feel like they enjoy you? Is it easy to think clearly around them? Do you ever feel belittled or demeaned by them? Are you ever in a pile of your own tears after being with them? Do you question yourself and doubt yourself when you are with them?
My best friend in the world is Liz. We met in school at around the age of twelve. We talk on the phone almost every week and have for the last 28 years. We talk about everything under the sun. She is gold. She is stunning. Her heart is as big and as vast as they come. She is one of my constants. I have only experienced unconditional love and acceptance from her. We have cried with each other many times, talked about life, our kids, our relationships. We call each other when we are angry an...
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through, she wants to know. My feelings matter to her. Liz wants the best for me. I feel her enjoyment of me. We laugh a lot. I am able to think clearly whenever we talk; in fact, many times I call her when I am confused about something and by the end of the call I feel clear. I have never felt judged or put down by her. We both have mad respect for each other. She is a barometer for me of w...
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When someone loves you, sincerely loves you, your body feels calmed. You don’t feel anxiety when you are with them. You feel relief. It is so important for us to know what the real thing looks like and feels like.
They really know you
They respect your feelings
They want you to ...
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They value you
They treat you with kindness
They feel empathy for you when you feel sad, scared, and unsure
You are encouraged by them to not listen and not trust your own instincts.
us. We don’t assume people are controlling and manipulating because that isn’t the way we think and behave.
