The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse (The Narcissism Series Book 1)

by Debbie Mirza

cost. No one was stressed. No one was in a hurry. No one was out for themselves.

world. These are people that are not interested in drama. They love peace and harmony. They are self-reflective women and men who

are interested in

growing and bettering themselves. They look to see where they can improve. They don’t blame others; they take responsibility for their own behavior. If they are feeling hurt or frustrated in a relationship, they will say, “I’m feeling this…” or “When you said tha...

“There must be some truth to it. This person knows me. They live with me, so there might be something I need to change here.” They won’t recognize how badly they are being treated and take way more responsibility than necessary.

Because he did this, she didn’t feel she was allowed to be sad. She

you don’t know who I am by now, I don’t know what to tell you.

That is what love looks like. The real thing, not the illusion you get used to with a CN.

They are great listeners, independent, hard-working individuals, although most of them have been told they are lazy by their CN, which is a common put down and the farthest thing from the truth.

CNs have a

lot of rage inside them. They may not yell, or get violent, but you can feel their quiet rage. They mask it around others, but

when you live with them, it can feel like being next to a dormant volcano that could erupt at any moment. Their rage controls the climate of the home and keeps people feeling like they are walking on eggshells. This...

Targets in relationships with CNs often feel they have open communication about everything. However, toward the end of the relationship, they start noticing things that make them wonder.

Their Words Don’t Match Their Actions

They Take Credit for Your Ideas

felt like whatever she did was never enough.

complaining about how much work she had put into it. She would talk about the homemade cake she made and how expensive everything was and how hard I was to shop for. It was exhausting, and I felt like I was the cause of her stress. I would try to help, but it was never enough.”

CNs will belittle you in ways that are indirect and sometimes not noticeable.

You get the subtle message you are doing things wrong, but it comes in the form of “concern for you.”

feel like prisoners in their own home

and you better know how much trouble it caused them, and

you better feel bad, and you better give back to them in whatever ways they demand later—and

all feels like it will come back to bite you and be used against you in some way if you don’t cater to them.

If someone criticizes you, a CN won’t come to your defense.

CNs wholeheartedly believe the stories

they

create in their minds and leave you perpetually blur...

They are not interested in who you are, what you think, and what you feel. This is not a normal, healthy person.

When you are being manipulated you doubt yourself, you feel small, you see them as knowing more than you, and you feel confused and out of sorts. These are red flags.

He also told her she was too sensitive and was reading into things.

Their love is inconsistent and on their time schedule.

you to a place where you lower your standards so much that you become grateful for mediocre treatment that you never would have tolerated when you first met them.

think this is just what happens in marriages.

“Did I say something wrong? Did I do something I shouldn’t have?” You will expend a lot of energy trying to bring him/her back to you, trying to undo whatever you might have done.

she noticed a pattern of him listening to her express how something he did or said hurt her, then apologizing, then changing his behavior for a couple days, then repeating the same old behavior. After a while, with all the other responsibilities of life, she stopped trying; she learned to just accept things about him that weren’t ideal and enjoy the good parts.

They will emotionally wound you; then you will confront them about it. They will somehow end up making you feel bad about something, and you find yourself apologizing to them even though they were the one that hurt you.

People who haven’t experienced covert narcissism might say Sue was reading into

this, that he was just asking a question. Stuart would say the same thing, telling Sue how overly sensitive she is, how touchy she is, how high maintenance she is.

Sometimes CNs will send you an email or phone message that is incredibly loving and kind. Then a few hours later, they will tell you what a horrible person you are.

CN comes with you and is irritable the whole time, making it hard for you to enjoy it.

minimize your painful experience with them, which makes you doubt yourself,

CN parents seem to either be overly enmeshed in their kid’s lives, or they are the parent that is uninvolved. The parent who is absent or uninvolved will connect with their kids if the conversation centers

around a topic of interest to the CN parent. In those moments, the child feels loved, but it doesn’t last. The CNs won’t engage in what the child needs. They do not know their children and are not aware of their needs. They may know them on a surface level, but don’t take the time to really get to know them on a deeper level. They can often label their kids as being certain ways that are far from the truth of who their kids actually are. As with all narcissists they project their own issues on to them calling them manipulative, controlling, selfish, and other traits that they possess themselves.

Mom CNs often act like martyrs. Allie’s mom would do normal mom things like making dinner but would make a big deal of it, causing Allie to feel a lot of guilt. There is a massive amount of underlying manipulation that makes children feel so much guilt and shame. They blame themselves for a lot and feel like they are responsible for how their CN parent feels.

They will never be fully satisfied with you. You will never be good enough in their eyes. They have to have something they can hold over you in order to control and manipulate you.

is what doesn’t happen, what isn’t there. Dawn’s husband never went to counseling himself to see if there was something in him that might be causing her to feel used. He didn’t ever

Narcissism is such a strong word.”

He was passive in the relationship. He put it all

on me to initiate and acted like a martyr when I didn’t want to. He used the role of being a victim to control her. He played on her guilt and shame. He took no personal responsibility and put it all on her to make the relationship work. He manipulated her through pouting so she would feel sorry for him, thinking she was causing his unhappiness.

He wanted her to supply him with life and an identity since he did not have a strong sense of who he was. The relationship was one-sided. It was up to her to bring life to it, or there would be none.