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I think you’re gonna flip his world upside down and there'll be nothing he can do to stop it. Swallowing, I reach out and grab Katy’s list off my nightstand, feeling myself crumble while I read what she wrote at the bottom of the page. She knew. She always fucking knew.
I want to be in that bed with him. I want to hold him and touch him while he sleeps. I want to wake up next to him in the morning and never let him out of my sight. But I can’t. Won’t. So I just sit out here and pine for him, staring into the blackness while I try to drink all my problems away.
“Don’t go,” I rasp, damn near pleading. “I need it.” “It.” “You,” I amend, sucking his lip into my mouth. “I need you, baby.” “I said no,”
“Why are you mad?” Another glare. After a long moment of silence, the two of us trapped in an intense staring contest, he caves first and knocks his head back against the wall. “You were supposed to chase me.” Searching his face once again, I give him my best incredulous look, forcing a laugh when his expression doesn’t change. “You can’t be serious.”
“You really gonna be a little bitch about this?” I ask, holding him tighter when he tries to fight me off. “What, did you think I was gonna find out you’ve been in love with me for years, hear you cry and run after you to tell you I love you too?”
“Something like that,” he mutters, and I shake my head. “That’s never gonna happen.” “Why not?” “You know why,” I growl. “Do you really expect me to forget what you did?” “I don’t want you to forget,” he whispers, holding my gaze as he blinks the fresh tears from his eyes. “I just want you to love me anyway.”
He looks so sad and broken, and it hits me then that this is exactly what I wanted. I have his fragile little heart in the palm of my hand, I just need to crush it. And even though there’s something inside me screaming at me not to, that’s exactly what I do. “I don’t love you, party boy,” I say, channeling every ounce of hate I have left. “It’s just a game.”
“You,” he answers, his voice just as empty as the vacant look on his face. “You win, Nate. I hate you just as much as you hate me.” My stomach bottoms out, and I narrow my eyes at the back of his head while he crouches down to pick up his helmet. He glances at the one we bought for me today, hesitating for half a second before he leaves it where it is.
“Xavi, if you walk out that door—” It closes behind him, and I startle, frowning at it while I wait for him to come back. He doesn’t come back.
His stoic face doesn’t give anything away, but I don’t miss the slight twitch of his fingers at his side. For a moment, I think he might try to stop me, but he doesn’t. Shaking my head, I adjust the strap on my shoulder and unlock the front door. “Xavi.” “Fuck you, Carter,” I choke out, tossing my key on the side table before I close the door behind me.
I head back out to the main part of his room and rip all his drawers out, feeling my hands begin to shake when I realize he’s taken everything. His textbooks, his makeup, Frankie’s butterfly choker, the box of pictures I gave him for his birthday. Everything but the two hoodies I gave him… It’s all gone. He’s gone.
“I lost him.” Carter nods, then shrugs. “So? He’s a piece of ass, Nate.” He rolls his eyes at the look on my face, stepping inside to check his hair in the mirror next to the closet. “Give me a day and I’ll find you another pretty hole to stick your dick int—”
“You told him I was in love with him, Carter!” I shout. “You know me better than anyone and now you’re acting like he’s nothing to me.” He frowns at me over his shoulder, looking genuinely confused, his face smushed up against the mirror. “If he’s not nothing, then what is he?” “He’s everything, you idiot,” I blurt out, blinking at my reflection as soon as the words leave my lips.
“What are you gonna do? Show up at his mom’s house at the ass crack of dawn and drag him out of there kicking and screaming?” I haven’t thought that far ahead yet, but yeah, that’s exactly what I’m gonna do. I’m getting my boy back whether he likes it or not.
My chest hurts as I look up at his dark bedroom window. I can’t stop picturing the look on his face when I told him I didn’t love him. It used to feel good, lifting him up just to tear him back down. I felt entitled to his pain, but now, it just makes me feel like I want to die. Every time I think about that vacant look in his eyes, it makes me want to rip my own heart out and give it to him.
“He didn’t do anything,” I grit out, my instincts screaming at me to protect the son who can do nothing right in his eyes. “I’m not here to hurt him. He ran away last night and I need to find him.” “Ran away from where?” “Me,” I say, trying to squeeze the tension from the back of my neck with both hands. “He ran away from me.”
“He’s really not here?” I ask, and he shakes his head once more. Fuck, baby, where are you?
I don’t give a shit about myself; I just don’t want to cheat on Nate. It’s making me feel sick, which is pathetic because I wouldn’t be cheating. We’re not together. We were never together, no matter how hard I wanted us to be. I don’t love you, party boy. It’s just a game.
“Who the—Fuck,” Devin bites out, making me startle. “You little prick, you said he wouldn’t come here.” “I…” I didn’t think he would.
“Baby, what are you doing?” he whispers, his lips on my temple as he cups the back of my head. Swallowing, I shake my head and shove down all the words I want to say to him. I’m not telling him how much it hurts, how I’d rather feel nothing than this crippling pain tearing at my insides.
If anything, he should be doing me a favor and beating the shit out of me. If I could do it myself, I would. “Xavi, look at me.”
“That guy’s not your friend. You know that, right?” “Yeah.” But he’s all I’ve got left.
“Are you done?” Carter asks. “Is that it? You don’t wanna be here anymore?”
“I didn’t come out here in the middle of the night to watch you kill yourself.” “What do you care?” “I don’t!” he yells, shoving me into the passenger seat of his car. “But I know someone who does, and he’ll kill me if I let you die out here.”
“Xav, what’s going on?” I try not to make a sound, but a sob escapes me before I can stop it. “Nothing, I just… Nobody…” I trail off, feeling his arm curling around my waist from behind, pulling me back to his chest. “I feel so alone, Carter.”
“Why do you do this to yourself?” I startle at the sound of Carter’s voice, turning my head to find him standing behind me. “Because it makes me feel better,” I grumble, lifting the bottle up to my mouth. “You think you deserve to feel better?”
“You miss her.” It’s not a question, but I still nod, sniffing as I wipe the drops of liquid from my mouth. “Did you love her?” “You know I did.”
“Yeah, but that’s not what I’m talking about.” He moves closer, but he doesn’t touch me. “Were you in love with her, Xav?” “No,” I admit. “But sometimes I wish I was. At least then I wouldn’t be in love with someone who’s never gonna stop hating me.”
Devin eyes us with a half smirk, half sneer, bouncing his gaze between me and Xavi. He’s jealous.
upper body up by his shirt. “He’s mine,” I tell him, not even bothering to lower my voice. “He’s always been mine. Even when you thought he was yours, it was always me he was thinking about. Every fucking time.”
“If I ever hear your name from my boy’s lips again, I’ll make you wish you’d never met him.” He yanks his face back and glares up at me. “Get out.” Smirking, I apply some more pressure on his wrist before I stand to my full height, making him scream as his bones crack under my weight.
“Get off me,” he demands, planting his feet when I try to shove him inside. “What are you doing?!” “Taking you home.” “Where’s home, Nate?” he bites out, throwing back the same question I asked him not so long ago. Holding his wrists with both hands, I move closer until my chest is flush against his, placing his warm hands on both sides of my neck. “It’s wherever I am, Xav.”
“I’m gonna burn his fucking house to the grou—” “Stop. Look at me.” He leans over the inner console and traps my jaw between his fingers, giving me no choice but to look directly into his eyes. “I’m telling you he’s not worth it.” “You are though.”
The puff of air he lets out grazes my lips, and he closes his eyes, letting go of my face to move his hand down to my chest. We stay just like that for a few minutes, with me listening to him breathe, allowing the steady rhythm to calm me down, and him waiting for my racing heart to slow.
“Why would you call him?” I ask, stepping closer until his back hits the door jamb. “You barely even knew him back then. Why would you trust him? You tried to kill yourself and y—” I struggle to speak around the lump in my throat. “Why didn’t you call me?” He frowns at that. “You wouldn’t have come.”
“I should go sleep in my own room.” “No,” I say, grabbing his hoodie to shove him inside. “You’re sleeping with me.” He turns as if he’s about to protest, but I cut him off before he can, guiding him back toward the bed. “I’m not asking, Xavi.”
He blinks up at me with tired eyes. “What are you doing, Nate? Why did you even come to Devin’s?” “Stop saying their names,” I grit out. “Tell me why.” “I was chasing you, you idiot.” He swallows, his eyes searching mine for intent. “Why? You had the chance to stop me and you let me go.” “I didn’t let you go,” I argue, wrapping my arms around his body to hold him close. “You said you were done. You didn’t say you’d leave me.”
“Nate…” He shakes his head, his lip trembling. “Please, don’t do this to me again. I can’t…” “Is that why you went to him? Because I hurt you so bad you wanted to feel nothing again?” He nods and hides his face in my chest, g...
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“Why? What’s wrong?” “If you’re playing with me…” “I’m not. I…” I pause. “I want you to be mine. For real this time. We can be for real.”
“Xavi, please,” I say, wiping his tears away with my knuckle. “What do you want? I’ll do anything.” “Say you love me.” My hand pauses on his cheek, and I cock my head at him in exasperation, fighting my natural instinct to show the disgust on my face. “Anything but that.”
“Jesus Christ. I love you, okay?” I damn near shout, pushing him down on his back and crawling on top of him. “I hate myself for it but I fucking love you.” “That’s sweet.” “I didn’t realize before you left last night but I…I’m not letting you go. I can’t do it. The thought of you walking away from me for good, finding some other guy and being with him instead of me…” My fingers curl as I picture it, and I cage his head in with my forearms. “I’ll never be able to stop chasing you, Xav. I won’t sit still or sleep or think about anything else until you’re mine again.”
“You make me crazy,” I admit, dropping my lips to his while I tug on the button of his jeans. “What are you doing?” “Making you mine again.”
“Say it again.” “I love you,” I groan into his mouth, hooking his legs around my waist. “But if you tell anyone everything I just said to you, I’ll beat your ass.”
“It’s yours, baby,” I say, running my finger over my number. “I’m yours.” “Fuck,” he whispers, his nose flaring as he fights the urge to cry again.
“Are you asleep?” “No,” he mutters. “I’m just trying to figure out who you are and what you’ve done with Nate.” I know he’s joking, but my heart still twists with guilt and shame over the way I treated him. “I’m sorry.” “No, you’re not.” He sighs. “Not really. And you don’t have to be. I deserved it. I knew what you’d do to me and I let it happen.”
“I would have come,” I finally say, my lips brushing the damp hair at the nape of his neck. Silence follows, but I know he heard me because he’s stopped breathing. “I know you probably don’t believe me, but it’s the truth. I would have come for you, Xav.”
I wish I knew what he was thinking. I know he’s doing his best not to give in to me fully, probably afraid I’m gonna pull the rug out from under him when he least expects it and break his heart all over again, but I don’t miss the smile tugging at his lips when he thinks I can’t see it.
Frankie’s bringing you. You’re sitting with her. Xavi Frankie sits in the front row. Nate I know. No more hiding from me, Xav. I need to see you.
Okay. Are you worried I’m gonna leave? Nate Not when I have your keys.
“Shut up.” When Nate’s eyes find mine, he stops jogging and visibly relaxes, his hand moving up to his head to mimic something I can’t make out. I need to see you.
