Funny Story

by Emily Henry

108 DAYS UNTIL I CAN LEAVE

Uh oj whT does this mean

But then his bachelor party happened, and everything changed.

UH OH

Daphne Vincent, the librarian that Peter plucked out of the trash, nearly married, then dumped the morning after his bachelor party for his “platonic” “best” “friend,” Petra Comer.

SHUT UP

His girlfriend had just moved out. Into my apartment. With my fiancé.

Whaaaaaaat

our now-partnered partners,

Within five weeks, we’d moved in together, synced our lives, friend groups, and schedules.

SOunds lik lesbiins

Petra is also a stoner without a college degree, but I guess it’s different when you’re a perfect ten with a picturesque family and well-padded bank account. Then you’re not a stoner; you’re a free spirit.

“Can we talk for a minute?” he asked. “Of course?” I said it like a question. It was.

Oh my god did he break it off the SECOND he got back ???

“You’re moving out?” I choked. A flush crept up his neck, his eyes darting toward the front door. “Well, no,” he said. “The house is in my name, so . . .”

What a dick

She was moving in. After they got back from a sexy new-couple vacation that was being pitched to me like an act of kindness for my benefit.

91

17 days

Life, I’d learned, is a revolving door. Most things that come into it only stay awhile.

My first shift working alongside her, a middle-aged guy with a wad of dip in his cheek walked up, stared at her boobs, and said, “I’ve always had a thing for exotic girls.” Without even looking up from her computer, Ashleigh replied, “That’s inappropriate, and if you speak to me like that again, we’ll have to ban you. Would it be helpful if I printed you some literature about sexual harassment?”

(ninety-one days to go).

Same amount of days "until she can leave"

Jerome & Melly Collins along with Nicholas & Antonia Comer joyfully invite you to celebrate the marriage of their children, Peter & P—

WHT THE FUCK ITS ONLY BEEN SIX WEEKS

“I work at a winery, Daphne,” he says. “Since when?” I say, disbelieving. “For the last seven years,” he says. “What did you think I did?”

HHAHAHAHHA

Miles is the other kind. The kind that’s disarming enough that you don’t feel nervous talking to him, or like you need to show your best angle, until—wham! Suddenly, he’s smiling at you with his messy hair and impish smirk, and you realize his hotness has been boiling around you so slowly you missed it.

Also, he smells better than expected.

“Let’s RSVP,” he says. “Let’s go to their wedding. And get wasted. Eat the cake before they’ve even cut it, and puke on the dance floor.”

I see his name onscreen. All at once, I remember. And I really, really wish I didn’t.

WHO

His voice slides past disbelief straight into incredulity. “You’re with Miles?”

How is he even gonna be mad abiut that

Miles looks kind of like the guy from high school who intentionally failed his senior year to stick around for a while, then started selling bootleg cologne out of the trunk of his car in the mall parking lot.

85

5 days

There’s being bad at small talk, and then there’s being so reticent that your coworkers assume you’ve recently testified against a mob boss, and I never knew how thin the line between the two was.

You can’t untell someone your secrets. You can’t unsay those delicate truths once you learn you can’t trust the person you handed them to.

just didn’t realize how important it was to you to know where I was,” he teases. “Should I share my phone location with you?” “No, it’s fine. I wouldn’t want to clip your wings, tether your spirit, all that.” “I’ll put my stuff on the calendar,” he says. “If it really matters.”

Theyrr gonna fuck

“That tiny little beach all the fudgies go to?”

“No, just a sweet, naive, beautiful little innocent, raised in captivity by a man who loves wheatgrass.”

“Wait—are you thinking about leaving?” “More like dreaming about it.”

“It’s when the Read-a-thon happens,”

We finally ge context!

My body warms as if I’d cannonballed into a heated pool. “It’s just the truth.” I turn my eyes to the water, my blood humming with nervous energy.

SHES SMITTEN

We go back to sitting there, touching, watching bonfires dance and the water roll.

8 days

For Sale sign in the shaggy, overgrown lawn of a taffy-green bungalow.

foreshadowing ??

“We’re lucky to have you,” Harvey goes on, hanging the sign-up sheet for Friday’s Dungeons & Dragons tournament. “Just keep bringing your whole heart in for those kids. That’s all.”

They say how they feel, and they show it too. There are fewer ulterior motives and unwritten rules. Silences aren’t unbearably awkward, and abrupt segues to different subjects are the norm. If you want to be friends with someone, you just ask, and if they don’t want to, they’ll probably just tell you.

His eyes slice sideways toward us, and I lose my place in the sentence. Miles’s face lights with a grin. He lifts his chin in greeting and draws to a stop just beyond our little ring.

SHUT UP

PREDICTION TIME - miles and what’s her face are going to end up ACTUALLY together - peter and petra are NOT gonna last - peter and / or petra are gonna come crawlingggg back and begging to be with them but, too bad so sad !!!

“If that impressed you, you should see me do the old woman who lives in a shoe,” I say. “I’ll clear my Saturdays,” he says.

he literally loves her

“I was hoping you could spell out every word of a love poem to me,” he deadpans.

no because this man is in LOVE

He holds out a paper cup to me. I recognize the stamp on it as being from Fika, the shop I stopped in to on my way to work yesterday.

my uncle used to work at a coffee shop called fika

“Oh, I know!” I cry. “Meijer.” He looks over, the engine starting with a sputtering cough. “Do me a favor,” he says lightly, “and unlock your door.” “Why?” “So I can push you out as I peel out of this parking lot,” he says. “You would never,” I say.

It’s quickly snuffed out by a much bigger crushing sensation. Because, in the parking lot, a tall and lithely muscled man is emerging from a familiar BMW, the sun catching his neatly coiffed golden hair and sparkling emerald eyes.

UH OHHHHH

76

1 day

“You know what, Peter,” I say, “thank you for pulling me aside today.” His face brightens, relief flooding his features. “It’s always nice to be reminded that your ex really was as big of an asshat as you remember him being.”

YAssssssss

“I like that it feels like I can live as many lives as I want,” I say.

“What about audiobooks?” I say. “Does that count?” he asks. “Of course it counts,” I say.

72

4 days

If we go anywhere near a bed, I’m going to sleep with him. I want so badly to sleep with him. I only want to not completely destroy my living situation, like, one percent more.

The sound that comes out of me is borderline inhuman,