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September 30 - October 28, 2017
A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
Mood instability, reactivity, depression, anxiety, rage, and despair.
these emotions can fluctuate quickly back and forth.
She may have no sense of who she is, what she wants in life, or what her skills, values, or beliefs are, but she may also expect a loved one to know these things for her.
He can also act in emotionally abusive ways through blaming, put-downs, impossible demands, and ultimatums.
In addition, the BP typically forgets what he said and did a few hours or a day later, and he almost never understands the emotional impact of his outburst on his loved ones.
Intense emotional neediness,
Inaccurate memory of emotional events, even changing the meaning of the events after the fact.
All-or-nothing thinking
Intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary.
Their interpretation of events is the only truth. • Constantly searching for the “hidden meaning” (always negative) in conversations and events.
Do not see the effect of their own behavior on others.
Deny (even forget) negative
emotionally abusive to others.
Create crises and chaos continuously.
Often change their persona, opinions, or beliefs, depending on who they are with.
Lack of a consistent sense of who they are or may have
Often present a facade. May be fearful of being seen for “who I really am.” Automatically assuming that they will be rejected or criticized.
Simultaneously see themselves as both inferior and superior to others.
Instantly fall in love
Hostile, devaluing verbal attacks on loved ones
push people away by picking fights.
Highly controlling and demanding of others.
Unwilling to recognize and respect the limits of others.
Demand rights, commitments, and behaviors from others that they are not willing or able to reciprocate.
have another mental illness (e.g., bipolar disorder, attention deficit disorder, or obsessive-compulsive disorder)
BPD, but often they will be treated for one or more of their individual symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, alcoholism, chronic job conflicts, domestic violence, rage, and so on.
A sense of entitlement to being treated better than others
Exploitation of others Unwilling or unable to notice or understand other’s feelings
hidden, self-loathing, fear of rejection, and inner anxiety of the NP.
The borderline acts emotionally more negative, less social, less predictable, and more dependent.
Most important, both use many of the same defense mechanisms: blaming, projection, devaluing, idealization, splitting, denial, distortion, rationalization, and passive-aggressiveness.
You can gain control over your responses only when you can see the patterns of interaction that you are playing into.
The BP/NP can often pull it together for years to get through daily work situations, perhaps lying to their doctors and friends to keep their controlling and emotionally volatile behavior hidden.
Too often, you and other family members collude with the BP/NP in this cover-up, even when the BP/NP may be doing illegal behaviors,
being physically ...
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“love,” immediately believing that this is “the one” who will truly be all-loving and all-nurturing, someone with whom the BP/NP can fully immerse him- or herself.
They are afraid of being absorbed into someone else’s personality and emotionally annihilated, and they fear being used or humiliated by the person they depend on.
They pull the loved one in closer and then push him or her away over and over as their needs and fears battle each other.
However, the BP/NP absolutely has to be the one person that both of you become to avoid his or her fear of annihilation. This can then lead to a dissolving of the personality of the Caretaker over time, resulting in increasing depression, anxiety, frustration, confusion, guilt, lowered self-esteem, and even physical stress symptoms.
Splitting is a defense mechanism that divides the world—all events, people, and feelings—into either good or bad.
Family members must learn to give into the BP/NP’s wants and needs or else pay the price of a temper tantrum, rejection, or emotional or even physical attack. Family members have to take up the slack because of the BP/NP’s lack of follow-through, impulsive behaviors, delusional thinking, and confusing, inconsistent, unpredictable, and demanding behaviors.
That means that someone else must bear the daily duty of dealing with the ordinary responsibilities, such as taking care of the needs of the children; cooking, cleaning, and fixing things around the house; being at fault when something goes wrong; taking the initiative to plan, organize, and follow through with whatever the BP/NP needs; paying
bills on time; and anticipating things that will make the BP/NP anxious and upset and making sure these things are avoided.
Usually when you take on the Caretaker role, you think that it is only temporary until the BP/NP gets less stressed, learns to be more mature, gets over the current problem, understands what you need, gets a new job, realizes how mean they are being, and so on. Keep in mind that being the Caretaker is your responsibility to keep until you figure out a way to let it go, as BP/NPs are never likely to do any of these things as long as they have you to take care of them. Why should th...
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A relationship with only a persecutor and a victim degenerates into constant high-level anger, fighting, hysterics, threats of suicide, and often domestic abuse, so this pairing is usually too volatile to be maintained. Someone must always be willing to take on the rescuer role to keep the Drama Triangle in some kind of balance.
To become a Caretaker, you need to be highly intuitive of the needs of the BP/NP, intelligent enough to learn the distorted and contradictory rules the BP/NP needs to function, observant enough to keep track of all the nuances of the fast-changing emotional family environment, and creative enough to find ways to calm and appease the BP/NP but also with a low enough self-esteem to not think that you deserve better treatment, more consideration, or equal caring in return.
In addition, you may also feel it is your job to “teach” the BP/NP to act more appropriately and to help the BP/NP “get better.”
For example, BP/NPs often require their loved ones to say and do things in very particular and exact ways.
Caretakers frequently keep hoping for things to get better with the BP/NP, and you may keep trying for years to make things better. However, the BP/NP rarely does get any better, so you begin taking up the slack, becoming more and more obligated to keep the family functioning.
