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September 30 - October 28, 2017
You may be angry at yourself for picking the BP/NP in the first place.
initiating a temporary separation, having an affair,
going to couple’s therapy to help the BP/NP really understand and change,
taking up an a...
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Or it may be that you, as the Caretaker, become exhausted and hopeless. Or the BP/NP may act out in even more dramatic and upsetting ways that push you toward the awareness that something is seriously wrong, and you begin to see that your bargaining solutions just aren’t working. Then you may find yourself dropping into the stage of depression.
When everything you try results in the problems still going on and on without resolution, you start feeling hopeless and lose your belief that things will change.
You may also find yourself feeling significantly depressed or anxious or having physical symptoms, such as panic attacks, migraines, overeating, and even heart stress.
It is sad to lose all of these dreams, and the hopelessness of this awareness is depressing.
Anyone living in the circumstances of caretaking a mentally ill person for so long and with so little self-care and support would obviously be depressed.
There is no longer any need to put energy, thought, and time into giving in, placating, demanding, or tricking the BP/NP to make things work better.
Letting go requires that you relinquish your old need to please, appease, and control the BP/NP.
The fact that you don’t have these same interactions with friends or colleagues at work is the indicator that you don’t cause them to happen.
BP/NP communication is often vague, convoluted, and confusing, starting out with one topic and morphing into a dozen or more topics with no conclusions and no decisions made at the end.
“Everything is always about what you want.”
be prepared for the BP/NP to make irrelevant comments to get you off topic.
Even though another family member or a friend may pressure you to give in, it is very important that when you pick a battle, you stick with it. Otherwise, you give the message to the BP/NP that you really don’t mean what you say.
the “nonasking” rule
The tactic of getting you to explain yourself is a means of getting information that the BP/NP can use to prove to you that your choice, your feeling, your want, and even you as a person are wrong.
The BP/NP’s need to be in control of all the information around them is often extreme, but you don’t have to buy into it.
Giving up rescuing the BP/NP is an action, not a discussion. It isn’t something to announce to the BP/NP. It isn’t something to negotiate with the BP/NP. It isn’t something to threaten the BP/NP with. It is all action. You stop participating in the merry-go-round interactions, you stop arguing, you stop worrying what the BP/NP will do next, and you stop expecting the BP/NP to fulfill your needs.
One of the most important new rules you need to embrace is this understanding: you cannot heal anyone else; you can heal only yourself.
They are frequently based on overly intense emotional sensations with disaster-oriented interpretations.
The present situation is only the trigger for the BP/NP to feel exactly like he or she did in a past situation. These transferences don’t make a lot of sense in the present moment. This is why the BP/NP may seem to be so overly sensitive and illogical.
You may be continually looking out for the next disaster to happen. This gets in your way of handling things in the present and responding calmly.
Another really important change in your attitude that is necessary is giving up hope. To let go of the Caretaker role, you will have to give up the hope that the BP/NP will ever change to please you, that the BP/NP will ever love you the way you want to be loved, or that the BP/NP will ever take care of you first.
The BP/NP uses guilt to manipulate and keep you trapped in your own belief that you are essential to the BP/NP.
About 90 percent of the time, whatever the BP/NP says about you is a much more reliable statement about him or her. This is called projection.
The BP/NP is a master of intimidation. Because BP/NPs are totally focused on getting what they want and need to feel better, they are willing to threaten, cajole, demand, beg, and complain over and over until they are successful, all with very little thought for the effect on you.
You cannot be intimidated into giving up what you feel if you truly believe in yourself, your rights, your connection to reality, and
your internal integrity.
BP/NPs cannot be highly dependable because of their emotional ups and downs and their tendency to let you down just at the moment you need them to be there for you.
or they
conveniently forget or just plain ignore what you want.
time. A more effective way of being assertive is to say what you think, what you feel, and what you want to do and then go do it yourself. Give up thinking that you can change the BP/NP’s behavior by asking him or her to change. The way to create change in your life is to do it yourself.
Your job in life is to live your life the way you choose. This is not selfish, uncaring, or disloyal, which is what the BP/NP may want you to believe.
Being you is what you are here to do.
Too often, when the BP/NP doesn’t want to do something that you want to do, the BP/NP’s veto controls both of you.
Engage with other people who could and would appreciate your attention, help, encouragement, and support. Your whole life does not have to be completely focused on the BP/NP.
It is not selfish to take care of yourself.
Remember that no one else in the universe has been assigned to take care of you.
You may find that you have to let go of your desire to have the BP/NP do the job of taking care of you, along with letting go of any anger at the BP/NP for so rarely stepping up. You have to give up the magical thinking that by taking care of the BP/NP, he or she will love you enough to take care of you. Maybe the BP/NP will be caring of you (sometimes when he or she feels like it or has extra time or there is an emergency), but haven’t you learned by now to quit expecting the BP/NP to do what you want?
When was the last time that you enjoyed just being who you are?
You have previously concluded that giving in to whatever the BP/NP wants is the only solution unless you want to face a very high emotional price. At the same time, whenever you give into the behavior of the BP/NP, you reinforce his or her emotional drama, and you lose out on what you want to do.
reversing behaviors,
pulling you in, and then pushing you away.
their minds try to think of reasons for having the feeling.
BP/NPs cannot tolerate your being emotionally close or your being apart from them in any way.
BP/NPs feel deeply inadequate, unloved, and undeserving of love. (Note: This feeling cannot be changed by you.)
I’m not having an affair. I love you, and I am going to dinner with my sister tonight.
