The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge

by Beatrice Chestnut

Interestingly, this subtype can also look like a Type Seven, which in some ways is the opposite of Type Four, because some Self-Preservation Fours express a need to be light. With all the enduring and efforting these Fours do, they may at times display the high energy characteristic of Sevens, and they may also have a need for fun and playfulness as an escape from having to tough things out all the time. This may account for the fact that there are some Fours who do not seem as melancholy as others—Fours that appear more “sunny” and lighthearted. However, these Fours can be distinguished from Sevens in their greater access to their emotions.

Although I’ve meditated for many years, it’s still difficult to relax and to be calm in daily activity. It just seems like a waste of time not to be doing or accomplishing something.

It’s like I get this reckless feeling that money will always be there, so why not spend it on what I love?

Whereas envy motivates Self-Preservation Fours to work to get what they want, it motivates Social Fours to focus on their emotional dissatisfaction and internal lack. For the Social Four there is a sense of comfort and familiarity in suffering—the sweet sadness of poetry, the rich meaning and painful beauty in melancholic music—and an unconscious hope that their suffering will somehow redeem them.

As Naranjo indicates, the Social Four may evoke a response in others that makes them want to ask, “What’s wrong with you that you think there’s something wrong with you?” A person with this subtype may be competent, attractive, and intelligent, and yet still tend to focus on and identify strongly with suffering and a sense of deficiency.

Social Fours don’t compete with others (like Sexual Fours do) as much as they compare themselves to others and find themselves lacking—almost as if by showing themselves to be lacking they can call forth what they need from others. Underneath, however, they experience a fierce competitiveness that may be largely unconscious: a competitiveness for recognition, being unique and special, and wanting to be in first place. This is more hidden and subtle in the Social Four, however, than it is in the Sexual Four.

Fours with this subtype tend to think with their emotions—they get entangled in “emotional” thoughts, caught up in and identified with intense emotions to the extent that they can’t take action even when it would be good for them to do so. They tend to be generous and to do for others, but they do not take responsibility for their own lives and may dramatize problems to distract themselves from doing something to find a solution.

Generally, they prefer to swallow their own poison rather than externalize it to the people around them, and they typically have difficulty finding their place in a group and in society. These Fours may experience themselves as misfits, and yet they also tend to generate social situations of rejection to confirm their shame.

Social Fours are less likely to be mistaken for other Enneagram types than the other two Four subtypes, but they can look like Sixes in their focus on what’s missing or wrong in their lives. However, unlike Sixes, they have a desire to be special (as opposed to Type Six’s identification with the “everyman”), and they spend less time in fear and more time feeling emotions related to sadness, pain, and shame.

Melancholy has always been my favorite feeling. Not only is it comforting in and of itself, but it creates a portal to my depths, my creativity, and a feeling of being at home in myself.

Despite the tremendous amount of positive feedback I have received in so many areas of my life, I still wrestle with a poor self-image every day. My friends, loved ones, and associates are always shocked to discover the discrepancies between how they view me and how I view myself.

Sexual Fours are usually arrogant, despite having an underlying sense of inferiority. In the face of the pain of feeling misunderstood, an arrogant attitude is adopted as overcompensation—a means of being recognized. These Fours like to be part of “chosen” group, and they can be very elitist. They may refuse to feel indebted to anyone, and they may have the sense that they have the exclusive right to feel offended by the lack of consideration of others. Any criticism or reproach is seen as an affront or disqualification.

Naranjo says that this Four subtype can be the angriest personality among the Enneagram types. They may express envious anger as a way to establish or assert power when they feel inferior at a deeper level, which can be a way to manipulate situations to their advantage. (This kind of anger was the impulse behind the French revolution: “I envy the rich, so I’ll organize a revolution.”) And Sexual Fours can be very impulsive. They want things immediately and have little tolerance for frustration.

Naranjo calls this type “Competition,” and Ichazo called it “Hate.” While this type can be both hateful and competitive, it is important to remember that the competition and hate expressed by this Four represents a deeper need to project their sense of suffering and inadequacy outward. The painful sense of envy felt by the Sexual Four can motivate a wishing with anger, or a sense of “I’ve got to get what I need, both to convince myself that my needs aren’t shameful, and to feel better about myself with respect to others.” Their competitiveness and anger is a compensation for and a defense against the hurt they feel underneath.

Naranjo calls this type “Competition,” and Ichazo called it “Hate.” While this type can be both hateful and competitive, it is important to remember that the competition and hate expressed by this Four represents a deeper need to project their sense of suffering and inadequacy outward. The painful sense of envy felt by the Sexual Four can motivate a wishing with anger, or a sense of “I’ve got to get what I need, both to convince myself that my needs aren’t shameful, and to feel better about myself w...

These Fours like and need emotional intensity. Without intensity, everything can seem unbearably dull and boring. When Sexual Fours want somebody’s love, they can be very direct about asking for what they need, or they can become “extraordinary”—make themselves seem special and attractive and superior—in an effort to attract it. In line with their natural intensity (fueled by both their heart-based emotional temperament and their sexual instinct), these individuals tend to be more present and available in relationships because they don’t deny or avoid many of the factors that can inhibit others relationally, like anger, neediness, competitiveness, arrogance, and having to be l...

ULTIMATELY, AS FOURS WORK ON THEMSELVES and become more self-aware, they learn to escape the trap of seeking—but blocking—love to prove their worth by seeing what is good in themselves and not just what’s missing; taking the risk to believe in their own lovability; and opening up to receive the love and understanding they long for.

ULTIMATELY, AS FOURS WORK ON THEMSELVES and become more self-aware, they learn to escape the trap of seeking—but blocking—love to prove their worth by seeing what is good in themselves and not just what’s missing; taking the risk to believe in their own lovability; and opening up to receive the love and understanding they long for.

For Fours, this process involves observing the ways in which they devalue themselves to justify defending against the love they want; exploring the ways they get stuck in envy, shame, and inferiority; and making active efforts to see what is positive in the present as a way to allow themselves to open up to the good things that are available to them. It is particularly important for them to learn to stop believing in their own inner lack, to understand how they thwart their own efforts to achieve happiness, and to rise above their emotional defenses to open up to what they really want.

It is particularly important for them to learn to stop believing in their own inner lack, to understand how they thwart their own efforts to achieve happiness, and to rise above their emotional defenses to open up to what they really want.

Holding on to a strong belief in your own deficiency such that you close yourself off from others (and love and goodness) in the expectation of abandonment

Notice if you view yourself as special or unique or superior as a way of defensively compensating for a deeper belief in your inadequacy. Note the way this may be a back-and-forth pattern that doesn’t shift, which ends up reinforcing your underlying belief in your own unworthiness.

Distracting yourself in various ways from your own growth and expansion through your attachment to various emotions

Distracting yourself in various ways from your own growth and expansion through your attachment to various emotions Observe the ways in which you create suffering for yourself through negative thoughts about who you are and then dwell in that suffering as a way to distract yourself from taking action to address the causes of your suffering. Notice if you use depression as a defense—if you focus on the hopelessness of things as a way to avoid deeper kinds of pain or won’t do anything to generate hope and a more positive outlook. Look out for what you are avoiding when you get attached to your sadness. Observe any tendencies you have to amp up your emotions or create drama as a way of avoiding inner emptiness or grappling with the realities of your life. Notice if you avoid dealing with what’s happening in the present by devaluing it as boring or mundane.

Look out for what you are avoiding when you get attached to your sadness. Observe any tendencies you have to amp up your emotions or create drama as a way of avoiding inner emptiness or grappling with the realities of your life. Notice if you avoid dealing with...

Focusing on what’s missing such that nothing measures up and nothing can be taken in Observe the way your attention habitually goes to what is missing in any given situation. Notice if this helps you to improve things such that you benefit from what’s happening, or if it functions as an excuse to dismiss or devalue what is happening or as a way to avoid constructively engaging with your present reality. Observe the ways in which you apply this to people and generate ambivalence, distancing yourself or thwarting potential connections by focusing on others’ flaws. Notice if you get stuck in ambivalence by focusing on what isn’t good enough. Observe the ways in which you focus on the past as a way of devaluing what’s happening in the present. Notice any push-pull patterns you see in your relationships, and think about why you push and why you pull. Note how you fixate on what’s missing and “throw the baby out with the bath water” such that you don’t take in the good parts of a situation or a relationship.

Often, seeing the root causes of a habit—why it exists and what it is designed to do—is enough to allow you to break out of the pattern. In other cases, with more entrenched habits, knowing how and why they operate as defenses can be a first step to eventually being able to release them.

In understanding the sources of their defensive patterns and how they operate as coping strategies, Fours have the opportunity to become more aware of how and why they undermine their ability to get the love they want. If Fours can tell the story of their early life and look for ways that indentifying with a negative sense of self, getting attached to particular feelings, and focusing on what’s missing helped them to cope, they can begin to have more compassion for themselves and see how these patterns have operated to protect them. Generating insights into why they developed these patterns in the first place, and how these patterns work as defenses but also keep them stuck in their “acorn shell,” can help Fours challenge their assumptions and pave the way for a more expansive view of themselves and their ability to grow beyond the limited perspective that keeps them trapped.

For Fours, answering these questions means looking at how they over-identify with some feelings to avoid or deny others. It will be important for them to ask themselves if being attached or over-involved with hopelessness and melancholy serves as a way for them to hold themselves in a familiar emotional space and at the same time avoid confronting a deeper experience of pain at not getting the love they needed. If hanging out in hopelessness or sadness is operating as a defense, what are these emotions actually defending you from feeling? Having the courage to locate and feel these deeper emotions can help to set Fours free from the defensive over-identification with emotions that keeps them stuck in a cycle of depression and longing. If you are amping up certain feelings or creating drama to distract yourself from what you’re feeling at a more fundamental level, what is going on deeper down? Investigating their emotional territory in this way can be an important way for Fours to help themselves see through the potentially tricky ways they use some emotions as a defense against others.

By reflecting on how these patterns operate, the three kinds of Fours can begin to have a greater awareness of how their defensive patterns surface in everyday life—and in the present moment. If Fours can consciously catch themselves in the act of focusing on what isn’t working and how they don’t measure up, they can become more aware of the ways they rationalize not opening up to love and acceptance. If they can explore the reasons why they get stuck in ambivalence, they can wake up to the deeper defensive motivations that keep them fixated in a pattern of actively not allowing in what they enviously see as missing. It is important for Fours to see—in real time—how they erect barriers to receiving the understanding and acceptance they yearn for, and how this contributes to a vicious cycle when they then feel hopeless about getting it.

To really increase their self-knowledge, it will be important for Fours to remind themselves (repeatedly) about what they don’t see when their personality is driving the show. Fours pay so much attention to what is lacking—in themselves, in other people, and in the good things that come to them—that they habitually avoid seeing all that’s not missing, all the quality and value and goodness inherent in their selves and in others. If you have blind spots where your beauty, goodness, and power should be, how can you develop the confidence and faith in yourself to take action to get what you need and want? If you don’t recognize the potential in others, give them credit for their good points, and appreciate the way they make efforts to love you even though they aren’t perfect, how can you be receptive to the good stuff others want to give you? By focusing on what isn’t there, you blind yourself to all that is there.

The irony of the Four coping strategy is that by idealizing what you want as perfect and perpetually distant, you cut yourself off from getting what you want in everyday life. By dwelling on your own inadequacies, you convince yourself that you aren’t good enough to get what you want and unconsciously prevent yourself from attaining it—your beliefs shape your reality. By over-identifying with certain emotions, you distract yourself from taking action to get what you need and want (and believing that’s possible). Although you focus much attention on what, exactly, you want—and fantasize about the ways you might get it—your beliefs about the ideal conditions necessary for actually taking it in might not exist in the real world. As a result, even though you focus a lot of energy on longing for what you want, you unconsciously but actively frustrate your own efforts and keep yourself from getting what you want.

Challenge your unwavering belief in your inferiority. Only by becoming aware of their vicious cycle of envy and need and inferiority and shame can Fours step out of the defensive patterns of thinking, feeling and acting they engage in that become self-reinforcing and self-frustrating. As long as Fours believe so strongly in their own inferiority, they can’t realize and embrace the essential truth of their own goodness and lovability. By noticing, exploring, and then actively challenging this belief, Fours can realize it’s a false belief and start to believe not in their own superiority, which is the other pole of this Four pattern, but in their own “goodenough-ness.” By consciously comparing their belief in their own deficiency with the evidence available to them—and by challenging themselves to consider the positive evidence—they can realize the falsity of their belief and expand their view of themselves to include their real value. Challenge shame by focusing on all the ways in which you are good.

Actively work to reverse your self-debasing tendency through efforts at self-love. Another important aspect of development for the Four is learning to accept themselves and not beat themselves up for what they perceive as their deficiencies. It is crucial for Fours to gradually learn to find the love and acceptance they crave within themselves, to learn to appreciate who they really are, and let go of their consistent focus on the ways in which they are unworthy or bad. A big part of the chronic frustration Fours feel in not getting the love they want is that they don’t love themselves. This lack of self-love is what keeps the whole Four defensive cycle going. Make active efforts to notice and embrace all the positive things about yourself. Catch yourself in the act of being harsh to yourself and work to stop it.

Another important aspect of development for the Four is learning to accept themselves and not beat themselves up for what they perceive as their deficiencies. It is crucial for Fours to gradually learn to find the love and acceptance they crave within themselves, to learn to appreciate who they really are, and let go of their consistent focus on the ways in which they are unworthy or bad. A big part of the chronic frustration Fours feel in not getting the love they want is that they don’t love themselves. This lack of self-love is what keeps the whole Four defensive cycle going. Make active efforts to notice and embrace all the positive things about yourself. Catch yourself in the act of being harsh to yourself and work to stop it.

Fours tend to compare themselves to others and find themselves lacking. Then, depending on their subtype, they can either strive in masochistic ways to prove themselves, wallow in feelings of inadequacy, or get aggressively competitive. It will be important for Fours on a path to growth to see these behaviors as the hallmarks of excessive self-judgment and self-debasement and realize that the actual “cure” for feelings of deficiency is self-love and self-acceptance. If you are a Four, notice when you are engaging in behaviors based on an assumption of your inadequacy—and actively work to appreciate yourself and care for yourself. Sometimes consciously shifting your attention and your behaviors can help you to eventually turn around your beliefs and emotional attitudes.

Distracting yourself in various ways from your own growth and expansion through your attachment to various emotions

Observe and accept your emotions instead of over-identifying with them. Consciously identify and accept your emotions without becoming attached to or over-identified with particular emotions (or emotions in general). Some Fours, who may have been shamed for having feelings early on, may also need to consistently remind themselves that their feelings are valid and important, regardless of how others may have reacted to them in the past. Consciously notice when you get stuck in specific emotions, especially hopelessness, sadness, or regret. Recognize how this might be a way of avoiding moving through and mourning real losses and getting to the other side. Allow yourself to have your feelings, move through them, listen to the information they bring, and then let them go. Most importantly, recognize how the act of getting lost in your feelings operates to protect you from taking action or reaching out in productive ways to actually get what you need—make the choice to let go of your emotions after you’ve felt them sufficiently. Consciously shifting your attention from your feelings to thinking or taking action will help you avoid fixating on your emotions in unproductive ways, valid though the emotions themselves might be.

Observe and accept your emotions instead of over-identifying with them. Consciously identify and accept your emotions without becoming attached to or over-identified with particular emotions (or emotions in general).

Consciously notice when you get stuck in specific emotions, especially hopelessness, sadness, or regret. Recognize how this might be a way of avoiding moving through and mourning real losses and getting to the other side. Allow yourself to have your feelings, move through them, listen to the information they bring, and then let them go. Most importantly, recognize how the act of getting lost in your feelings operates to protect you from taking action or reaching out in productive ways to actually get what you need—make the choice to let go of your emotions after you’ve felt them sufficiently. Consciously shifting your attention from your feelings to thinking or taking action will help you avoid fixating on your emotions in unproductive ways, valid though the emotions themselves might be.

Notice and work against your desire to create drama and intensity. If you are a Four, notice when you are amping things up to avoid specific experiences—like boredom or emptiness—and challenge yourself to take the risk of accepting and valuing the “here and now,” even if it feels ordinary and uninteresting initially. If you are intensifying your emotions to distract yourself from being with feelings and realities you may not want to accept, allow yourself to be with any feelings and experiences you may be avoiding, knowing that this is the way out of being trapped in your defensive emotional stance. Support yourself in accepting your present experience by consciously focusing on what is good and pleasurable in the here and now, and also by feeling through painful feelings you have been avoiding as a way of affirming your ability to work through them.

If you are a Four, notice when you are amping things up to avoid specific experiences—like boredom or emptiness—and challenge yourself to take the risk of accepting and valuing the “here and now,” even if it feels ordinary and uninteresting initially. If you are intensifying your emotions to distract yourself from being with feelings and realities you may not want to accept, allow yourself to be with any feelings and experiences you may be avoiding, knowing that this is the way out of being trapped in your defensive emotional stance. Support yourself in accepting your present experience by consciously focusing on what is good and pleasurable in the here and now, and also by feeling through painful feelings you have been avoiding as a way of affirming your ability to work through them.

Learn to see hopelessness, suffering, and longing as a defense against living and opening up to possibilities. Fours tend to find comfort in the familiar feelings of hopelessness, disappointment, and longing—and their attachment to these feelings can be a kind of addiction. It is vital for Fours seeking to break out of their characterological trap to see that these feelings hold them back from finding ways to get the love and appreciation they crave. Remind yourself that it is just as possible and easy to focus on hope as it is to focus on hopelessness, or to focus on what makes you happy as opposed to what causes you to suffer. Then shift your attention to all the possibilities for love and connection that would be available to you if you could let go of your focus on specific feelings and see what positive options are available to you in the present.

Focusing on what’s missing such that nothing measures up and can be taken in

Align your desires with what’s possible. Naranjo points out that envy is an “excessive desiring.” Fours’ desiring is excessive because it grows out of an early and painful experience of frustration and because it “asks for more than can be expected.”20 Waiting for what’s perfect or having unrealistic expectations of others can be ways of defending against opening up to getting the love you want. Without settling for less than what is truly satisfying, try to notice when you are asking for more than you can get as a way of defending against disappointment, and experiment with moderating your expectations and requests. Notice when you avoid accepting something good because you’re busy finding fault with it, and challenge yourself to see all the things that could be satisfying and “good enough.”

Apply your idealism to seeing the worth inherent in yourself and others. Instead of imagining that what you really need is only available through the attainment of some distant ideal, support yourself by being aware of and appreciating the worth inherent in yourself and others. Actively remind yourself that the worth something has for you can be based on how you perceive its positive aspects. If you focus on and idealize what’s missing, you will be perpetually unsatisfied. But if you see what’s ideal in everything, even the everyday, you can identify and receive the gifts in even mundane experiences.

Apply your idealism to seeing the worth inherent in yourself and others. Instead of imagining that what you really need is only available through the attainment of some distant ideal, support yourself by being aware of and appreciating the worth inherent in yourself and others. Actively remind yourself that the worth something has for you can be based on how you perceive its positive aspects. If you focus on and idealize what’s missing, you will be perpetually unsatisfied. But ...

Actively shift your attention to see the positive. Make it a constant practice to see the positive in everything—in yourself, in others, and in life. When you catch yourself focusing on lack as a way of justifying your frustration, allow yourself to make a list of all the good things that are happening, and support yourself in embracing and moving toward those things. To receive the love and understanding you want, you have to have the courage to shift your attention to how that might be possible rather than dwelling on impossibility.

Actively shift your attention to see the positive. Make it a constant practice to see the positive in everything—in yourself, in others, and in life. When you catch yourself focusing on lack as a way of justifying your frustration, allow yourself to make a list of all the good things that are happening, and support yourself in embracing and moving toward those things. To receive the love and understanding you want, you have to have the courage to shift your attention to how that might be possible rather than dwelling on impossibility.

The Inner Flow growth path for Type Fours brings them into direct contact with the challenges embodied in Type Two: allowing for a balance between self-referencing and other-referencing, between meeting your own needs and meeting the needs of others, and between being your authentic self and adapting to other people. Under stress, Fours can get defensive when pressed toward the Two point and act out the lower side of Two by giving compulsively in an effort to be liked, or giving up what they need in an attempt to buy others’ love or acceptance. But when Fours can consciously manage the challenges embodied in the Two “stress–growth” opportunity, they can use the high side Two qualities to bring themselves out of their self-absorption, intense feelings, and isolation, find creative ways to express who they really, are and open themselves up to connecting with others.