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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Gary Chapman
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January 24 - January 27, 2015
If you buy a gift at Christmas for all of your staff members, some of them will value the gift more than others. You may find that some will actually give the gift away because it was not something that was meaningful to them.
The second key component for an effective expression of appreciation through tangible gifts is: You must give a gift the person values.
The critical nature of giving the right gift to the right person is the reason we created the Action Checklist for the Motivating by Appreciation Inventory.
However, when a supervisor knows what gifts would be valued by the individual, they now have the information needed to express appreciation to the employee.
MORE THAN A MUG
Rather, showing appreciation through tangible gifts is effective when the gift shows that the giver has spent time and energy thinking about the gift.
Conversely, thoughtless gifts—those gifts bought hastily in response to tradition or a feeling of obligation—with no real personal investment of time or reflection not only miss the mark but also communicate a negative message.
One way to get valuable information is to give a survey to your clients or customers, asking questions such as: • Who are some of your favorite musical artists? • What is your favorite magazine? • What are some of your favorite leisure activities? • Who are your favorite sports teams? • Which are your favorite restaurants? • What events do you enjoy attending?
When we talk about tangible gifts as a means of showing appreciation to coworkers,
In fact, more often than not, the gifts that people appreciate fall in the category of “experiences” rather than things. These types of gifts include: • Tickets to sporting events (basketball, baseball, hockey, football) • Gift cards to restaurants • Tickets to cultural events (theater, major art exhibit, the symphony) • Small vacations/retreats (a weekend at a bed-and-breakfast) • Certificates to a spa, for a manicure, or a free round of golf at the local country club • Shopping “bucks” at a local mall • Gift cards to a housewares store or bookstore
One challenge that occurs for some supervisors and managers is finding the time to buy gift cards or coupons for events.
AN ASIDE: “TIME OFF” AS A GIFT
One issue we are frequently asked about is: “What about getting some time off as a gift?” This question is more likely to come from younger workers (Gen X, Gen Y, and Millennial) since this group places a high value on free time.
That is the power of giving tangible gifts to those who appreciate them. When you find the right type of gift for the person, they feel encouraged and energized to continue to give their best.
WHAT ABOUT GIFTS FOR COWORKERS?
If you know that receiving gifts is the primary language of appreciation of a fellow worker and you choose a gift that you know they would appreciate, you are building a friendship that will in turn create a more positive work climate. Sometimes, coworkers even pool their monies to buy a gift for a fellow employee when they know it is a gift she or he would highly value.
MAKING IT PERSONAL 1. On a scale of 0–10, how important to you is receiving gifts? 2. If you said 7 or above, what kind of gifts do you most appreciate? 3. What gifts have you received from coworkers or your supervisor in the past year? How did you feel upon receiving the gift? 4. What gifts have you given to colleagues during the past year? How did the person who received the gift respond? 5. Do you have a coworker you especially appreciate? Do you observe them giving gifts to others?
APPRECIATION LANGUAGE #5: Physical Touch
A pat on the back may be entirely appropriate for the team member who has pulled off a significant sale. However, the appropriateness of these actions depends on the person, the type of work relationship, and the organizational subculture in which it occurs. Some actions are fine for certain individuals but would make others feel uncomfortable. An office in, say, Atlanta may be more comfortable with appropriate touch than their counterparts in Boston. And some ethnic cultures are much more at ease with physical touch than others. Recognizing these variables, the challenge is to find
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Comments from business supervisors included: “I understand the value of the ‘touch’ language but the touch items make me nervous.” “I could see including the ‘touch’ items in some settings, but I think they could create problems in others.”
IS THERE A PLACE FOR PHYSICAL TOUCH IN A WORK SETTING?
But many have asked us, “Is there any place for physical touch in the workplace?” This question seems to be most often asked by those who value physical touch in their personal relationships.
What is true for infants and the elderly is also true for adults in the workplace. Affirming, nonsexual touches can be meaningful expressions of appreciation to coworkers.
ALL TOUCHES ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL
If you put your hand on the shoulder of a coworker and their body stiffens, you will know that for them your touch is not communicating appreciation. When someone withdraws from you physically, it often indicates that there is emotional distance between the two of you.
On the other hand, when you put your hand on a colleague’s shoulder while verbalizing affirmation, if they say to you, “Thanks, I really appreciate that,” you will know that both the verbal affirmation and the physical touch have been received in a positive way.
Touches that are implicit are subtle and require only a moment and are often given without a lot of thought. A pat on the back, a quick handshake, or a high five are examples of implicit touches and are common expressions of physical touch in some work settings.
Explicit touches normally require more thought and time. An extended handshake while saying to the person, “I really appreciate what you did; I will never forget the effort you poured into this task” may well communicate your appreciation very deeply to the individual who values physical touch. A female worker who spends a great deal of time at the computer may value a neck rub by a trusted female colleague.
Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another because physical touch is a powerful communicator of love and concern.
Even in these situations, in the work setting, it is always best to ask if the person would appreciate a hug (either verbally or nonverbally by opening one’s arms as an invitation). Rushing up and giving a hug to someone who is either not expecting one or who prefers more personal space may not be experienced as supportive to them, even though you may “feel the need” to give them a hug.
PHYSICAL TOUCH AND SEXUALITY
The recent attention to sexual harassment in Western culture has highlighted the danger of touching a member of the opposite sex in a way tha...
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Guidelines created by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission indicate that sexual harassment takes place when one or more of the following conditions exist:
1. An employee submits to sexual advances as a necessary condition of getting or keeping a job, whether explicitly or implicitly. 2. The supervisor makes personnel decisions based on the employee’s submissions to or rejection of sexual advances. 3. Sexual conduct becomes unreasonable and interferes with the employee’s work performance or creates a work environment that is intimidating, hostile, or offensive.
Some companies define sexual harassment as deliberate touching. This kind of strict guideline tends to stifle normal, appropriate physical touches in the workplace.
Our culture has highly sexualized physical touch—we believe to an inappropriate degree. Most forms of media create and send images that associate almost any form of touch with either a sexual intent or sexual response.
PHYSICAL TOUCH AND ABUSE
Although most physical abuse occurs in personal relationships and in the home, regardless of where the abuse has occurred, individuals rightfully develop a greater need for personal protection and a desire for more personal space.
BEYOND THE CONCERNS: THE BENEFITS OF PHYSICAL TOUCH
Communicating appreciation by physical touch can have a positive impact in the workplace when done appropriately. A firm handshake of greeting or congratulations, a high five of celebration, a fist bump—all are used frequently in work-oriented relationships. Cross-cultural researchers have found that a pat on the back is almost universally accepted as an act that communicates appreciation. Interestingly, business schools have recently begun to research the impact of touch on individuals’ behavior in work-based interactions.2 We hope that such research will continue because we believe there is
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How do you know which coworkers would view physical touch as an expression of appreciation? Observe the behavior of your colleagues. Do they frequently pat others on the back, give high fives, or hug others? If so, you can safely assume that receiving an affirming touch from you would be received as an expression of appreciation. Typically, those individuals who freely touch others in an affirming manner are the same individuals who would welcome affirming touches from others. On the other hand, if you never see a colleague touch others and if, as noted above, their body stiffens when someone
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MAKING IT PERSONAL
1. What types of physical touch in the workplace do you consider affirming? 2. What kinds of touches make you feel uncomfortable? 3. Among your colleagues, who are the “touchers”? People who feel appreciated by physical touch usually are those who touch others. In what way might you reciprocate their appreciation? 4. Looking back over today and yesterday, what types of physical touches did you give to others? How did they respond? 5. If touching comes easy for you, whom have you encountered who seemed to draw back from touching? Why do you think this is the case?
