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by
Gary Chapman
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January 24 - January 27, 2015
In fact, the feedback we have received from interviewing individuals is that personal, one-on-one communication is the most valued and, therefore, the most effective form of words of affirmation.
Praise in Front of Others
Some people value receiving praise in front of people who are important to them. They don’t necessarily need or want a public announcement, but calling attention to the good work they are doing in front of their supervisor...
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That is an important point!!!
Written Affirmation
An email or text message takes just a minute and can be really important to your coworker who stayed late to complete the presentation.
Handwritten notes are still valued by many workers because they seem more personal and take more time and effort to complete.
Public Affirmation
Having a supervisor stand up in a group meeting and recognize our leadership in completing a significant task can encourage some individuals who have worked long and hard to make sure the goal was reached. However, there are variables that make the experience more or less satisfying for the recipient. Some of those variables are whether the event is planned or a surprise and who is in attendance. Knowing the preference of the person being honored is exceedingly important.
MISSING THE MARK: HOLLOW PRAISE
Words of praise can be encouraging to your workers, but they must be sincere.
If words of affirmation are to be most effective, they must be given in the context of a positive, healthy relationship.
Your tone of voice and your body language can also communicate, “I’m saying these words but I don’t really mean it.” If you are not able to sincerely express affirmation to your colleague, then silence is preferred until you are able to communicate with integrity and a positive attitude.
THE TRAGEDY OF NEGLECT
The greatest tragedy we have observed is that while most managers, supervisors, and colleagues genuinely appreciate the people with whom they work, they often ne...
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MAKING IT PERSONAL 1. Can you recall a time within the last week when you verbally affirmed a coworker? If so, what did you say? How did they respond to your affirmation? 2. Have you received a verbal affirmation from a manager or colleague within the past week? If so, what did they say? How did you feel? 3. On a scale of 0–10, how important to you is receiving words of affirmation from your coworkers? 4. Choose a colleague you feel is deserving and give them a statement of affirmation within the next two weeks. 5. If you are a manager or supervisor, select an employee you can genuinely affirm
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APPRECIATION LANGUAGE #2: Quality Time
Anne enjoys “hanging out” with her colleagues and supervisor after a job is completed. She said, “I feel like we all need to celebrate together.”
After interviewing Anne, we were not surprised to find that her primary language of appreciation is Quality Time.
Whether Mr. Johnson realizes it or not, these brief expressions of interest in Anne’s work makes her feel a part of the team and energizes her to keep going.
In the past, many supervisors have interpreted employees’ desire for quality time as an inappropriate desire to be their friend, or an effort to “get in good” with the boss in order to have undue influence and receive favors.
It is these brief but genuine expressions of interest in what they are doing that makes them feel appreciated.
For those colleagues for whom Quality Time is their primary language of appreciation, a little time can go a long way to help them feel valued, to feel connected with the larger purpose of the organization, and to solidify commitment to getting the project completed.
By Quality Time, we mean giving the person your focused attention.
One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation: empathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.
Quality conversation means that I am seeking to create a safe environment in which you can share your accomplishments, frustrations, and suggestions. I will ask questions, not in a badgering manner but with a genuine desire to understand your concerns.
Many managers are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. In our problem solving, we often minimize the relationship aspect of the solution.
Learning to listen may be as difficult as learning a foreign language, but learn we must if we are going to have employees who feel appreciated. This is especially true for the employee whose primary appreciation language is Quality Time.
1. Maintain eye contact.
2. Don’t do other things while you are listening.
Remember that quality time is giving someone your undivided attention.
3. Listen for feelings as well as thoughts.
While you are listening, ask yourself, “What emotion is this person experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. You might say, “It seems to me like you are feeling disappointed and hurt because you feel like you were passed over for the promotion. Is that correct?” This gives the individual the chance to clarify feelings. It also communicates that you are listening intently to what they are saying.
4. Affirm their feelings even if you disagree with t...
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Because you have affirmed their feelings, you are now a friend and they are more likely to hear your explanation.
5. Observe body language.
6. Resist the impulse to interrupt.
My goal is to discover your thoughts and feelings; my objective is not to defend myself or to set you straight. It is to understand you.
We do not mean to communicate that there is no place for you to share your own ideas and feelings. However, if you are trying to express appreciation by spending quality time with a colleague, the first focus is on understanding their thoughts and feelings. Once you have listened well, you can then share your perspective.
A second dialect of quality time is shared experiences.
One self-admitted “shy” woman we met said she preferred hanging out with her colleagues as a group, not individual time with coworkers, an experience she described as “too intense.”
The desire for shared experiences is the basis for off-site leadership retreats or a team outing like a lake cruise. Our research indicates that men whose primary appreciation language is Quality Time usually prefer shared experiences as opposed to long sit-down conversations.
A third dialect of quality time is small group dialogue.
If the supervisor listens attentively and expresses appreciation for their openness, these individuals feel greatly appreciated.
This kind of focused attention where the leader is not promoting his own ideas but seeking to hear the ideas of his team members communicates a sense of value to employees.
A fourth dialect of quality time is working in close physical proximity with coworkers in accomplishing a project.
While working on the packing line, one of the volunteers commented, “This is great. I not only get to help the families in Haiti, but I get to work alongside other people. Teamwork always makes it more enjoyable for me.” This volunteer worked longer hours than most. Had he been asked to pack food in a warehouse alone, our guess is that he would have volunteered fewer hours. It was working closely with others that made the experience feel more valuable to him.
When working in close proximity to coworkers, they have opportunity to engage in conversation with one another. It is this experience coupled with accomplishing something worthwhile that makes these individuals feel deeply appreciated.
Here are some of the specific activities they have shared with us: • Go to lunch together to talk about business issues. • Go to lunch together just for fun. • Stop by, sit down in my office, and check in with me about how things are going. • Take a walk together during the lunch hour. • Have an off-site retreat for the staff. • Get together to watch sporting events. • Give me a call occasionally, just to chat.
If this is an individual’s primary appreciation language, he or she will thrive when they receive quality time. However, when this language is not spoken, they tend to become discouraged and disgruntled. Time invested in speaking this language of appreciation may well mean the difference between a motivated employee and one who simply does what is necessary.
