Time to Think: Listening to Ignite the Human Mind

by Nancy Kline

A Thinking Environment is natural, but rare. It has been squeezed out of our lives and organizations by inferior ways of treating each other.

everything we do depends for its quality on the thinking we do first.

to improve action we had first to improve thinking.

I recalled how much more often she affirmed than criticized me, how she did not interrupt me or finish my sentences for me, and how her eyes lit up when I found a new and precise way to express something.

The key behaviour was attention.

the quality of a person’s attention determines the quality of other people’s thinking.

We reasoned that if the following two statements were true (and they seemed irrefutable), • everything we do depends on the thinking we do first; • our thinking depends on the quality of our attention for each other, perhaps the most important thing we could do with our life and with our leadership was to listen to people so expertly, to give them attention so respectfully they would begin to think for themselves, clearly and afresh.

They were ten ways of being together, ten ways of treating each other. We called this combination the Thinking Environment.

The best conditions for thinking, if you really stop and notice, are not tense. They are gentle. They are quiet. They are unrushed. They are stimulating but not competitive. They are encouraging. They are paradoxically both rigorous and nimble.

Giving good attention to people makes them more intelligent. Poor attention makes them stumble over their words and seem stupid. Your attention, your listening is that important.

Listening to each other, if you want to think for yourselves, requires discipline and the most profound attention for each other.

Real help is different. Real help, professionally or personally, consists of listening to people, of paying respectful attention to people so that they can access their own ideas first. Usually the brain that contains the problem also contains the solution – often the best one.

Sometimes your suggestions are exactly what the person wants and needs. Many times a robust exchange of ideas is perfect for the task. But don’t rush into it. Give people a chance to find their own ideas first. That chance will take more time than you probably feel comfortable with. Wait it out longer than you want to.

To help people think for themselves, first listen. And listen. Then – listen. And just when they say they can’t think of anything else, you can ask them the question, ‘What else do you think about this? What else comes to mind that you want to say?’

The next time someone asks for your help with a problem, remember that the brain that contains the problem probably also contains the solution. Then set up the conditions for them to find it.

To know you are not going to be interrupted allows your mind to dive, to skate to the edge and leap, to look under rocks, twirl, sit, calculate, stir, toss the familiar and watch new ideas billow down.

Right now get an expression on your face that you think would encourage someone to keep thinking out loud for themselves, an expression that would say, ‘You are good. I am interested. I am not in a rush. Keep going.’

‘Keep your eyes on the eyes of the person thinking, no matter what.

This is the first direction I give people on my courses. It is a basic indicator of attention.

Infantilizing your clients, your friends, your family or your work force prevents their thinking for themselves. This is because attention requires respect. Real respect precludes infantilization.

co-dependence is an addiction to pleasing people. The term was coined in the field of the Twelve-step Programme for addiction recovery to describe the person in an addict’s life who is so scared to lose the addict’s love that they don’t dare challenge the person’s addiction.

People, thoughts and water molecules all need space in order to be attracted.

The fact that people have stopped speaking does not mean that they have stopped thinking.

An Incisive Question, crafted with precision and lustre, is any question that removes limiting assumptions from your thinking so that you can think again. An Incisive Question does this by replacing the limiting assumption with a freeing one.

If you knew that you are intelligent (freeing assumption), how would you talk to Neil (goal of the session)?

when you spot an assumption that is limiting someone’s thinking, you can remove it deftly with a question.

If you were to become the chief executive, what problem would you solve first, and how would you do it?

If you knew that you are vital to this organization’s success, how would you approach your work?

If you knew that you are as intelligent as your bosses, how would you present yourself to them?

If a doctor told you that your life depends on your changing the way you live, what would you do first for yourself?

If you want to take action, but you are stuck, ask yourself, ‘What am I assuming here that is stopping me?’

If you want to feel better, ask yourself, for example, ‘What am I assuming that is making me feel depressed?’

‘If I knew that I do have a choice here and am powerful in this situation, how would I feel?’

‘What might we be assuming here that is limiting our thinking on this issue?’

‘If we knew that we can think about this as well as anybody, perhaps even better, what would our ideas be now?’ In other words, notice the problem, find the limiting assumption and replace it with a freeing one.

Equality keeps the loud people from silencing the quiet ones. But it also requires the quiet ones to contribute.

Remembering Charles Handy’s book The Empty Raincoat, I am reminded of this question: ‘How can I know what I think until I hear myself speak?’

‘What have you noticed that needs attention or change in this company that I might not have noticed?’ and ‘What do you think should be done about it?’ Then she sits down and listens.

if you are a parent, do what the Staples manager did. Ask your children what they think. Listen long and well to them without stopping or arguing with them. Tell them you can’t promise to do what they say, but do promise them you will let them know what you do with their ideas and why.

Showing appreciation, short, accurate, genuine, is vital.

Remember, too, that the higher up people are in an organization or family, the more appreciation they need and the less they get. Leadership, with its inevitable panoply of attack, sucks tender self-appreciation right out of people. Find ways to appreciate them. Don’t confuse that with flattery. Appreciation is real.

Ease creates. Urgency destroys.

Ease is the space a Thinking Environment needs in order to stay intact.

Urgency keeps people from thinking clearly.

People who are immersed in ease can see a solution almost instantaneously, because their minds are not gyrating in the middle of tangential, usually imagined, emergencies.

In this society ease is not easy. At least if we are hurrying, we can be seen to be doing something. And doing something is what produces results, isn’t it? Not always.

To pay attention with a heart and mind at ease is what produces results.

A competitive listener is a thinking inhibitor. In fact ‘competitive listener’ is a serious oxymoron.

Supply information, of course. But time it so that it keeps a Thinking Environment strong between you. Ask yourself, ‘When and how do I do this so that this person can keep thinking well?

Also, don’t give information to show off. Ask yourself, ‘Why am I choosing to give this information now? Is it so that I will look on the ball? Or is it truly to help the person think better?’