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If you are to be loved, you must hide the truth about yourself and work at being lovable.
The wound is the trauma caused by exposure to overwhelming shame at an age when you weren’t equipped to cope with it. An emotional wound caused by toxic shame is a very serious and persistent disability that has the potential to literally destroy your life. It is much more than just a poor self-image. It is the internalized and deeply held belief that you are somehow unacceptable, unlovable, shameful, and in short, flawed.
The avoidance of shame becomes the single most powerful, driving force in his life.
one of the primary problems troubling gay male relationships seeking couple’s therapy is this hypersensitivity to invalidation and the ensuing flight into anger.
We rely heavily upon the adoring reactions of others to our presence for our own self-esteem.
Not every gay man in stages one and two develops a process addiction, but more than a few do. Ultimately, these additions are a small, leaky lifeboat in the high tide of shame.
The one and only skill that resolves the crisis of meaning is that of acceptance. Learning to accept the things in life as they are in the present moment. You’re growing older, your boyfriend’s getting fatter, your job isn’t totally amazing, and where you live can often be boring.
When you drop the struggle with shame and accept life as it is without judgment, you find great freedom on the other side. It is freedom to be who you are, exactly as you are. The only real meaning in life is found in being who you are right now, without apologies.
The journey into authenticity and acceptance is the beginning of stage three in the gay man’s life. It is the final stage in life, no matter at what age it is entered. Stage three is the final good-bye to toxic shame and the beginning of a life that is truly worth living.
Many younger gay men just assume that once you get older, you hide out in your house or move away out of embarrassment from having aged. It isn’t conceivable to them that many of the gay men who “disappear” do so because they have outgrown the need for the avoidance of shame and acquisition of validation that is at the core of so much of mainstream gay culture.
The difference between foreclosure and resolution is distinct. A gay man who forecloses makes an abrupt U-turn in some significant part of his life. He jumps tracks suddenly, expecting that he has “shifted” himself out of the ambiguity into clarity.
Resolution, on the other hand, comes slowly and is measured. It is a gradual, organic change that seems to flow naturally in life. It needs no sudden jolt or miraculous event.
Resolution is always possible, even when we may have foreclosed earlier. Sometimes we may foreclose on a crisis many times before we are ready to seek resolution.
The underlying psychological conflict that is resolved in stage three is the complete acceptance of the self and elimination of toxic shame.
Relationships, sexual practices, material appetites, friends, and lifestyle were built during the first two stages as a means to deal with toxic shame. Now those choices no longer seem useful.
Our fathers exerted enormous influence over our lives. For most of our young years, we wanted to be just like our fathers. Once we got into the teenage years, much of that reversed, and we resented much of what our fathers did and said. Resentment and admiration are always two sides of the same coin.
In addition to being two wounded and struggling men, we didn’t have the support that all new relationships need and that straight relationships almost always receive.
“I’ll never forget that the day after I left my lover of ten years he said to me: ‘You married your father.’ It hit me like a boulder. In one instant I knew he was right, and in the same instant I was disgusted and ashamed of myself.
Two deeply emotionally wounded people cannot form a healthy relationship. They may struggle, compromise, and even stay together, but until they each heal their own wounds, the relationship will always be a struggle.
These two facts bear important information for the gay man who experiences relationship trauma. First, the memories of that trauma remain fresh and active throughout his life, and second, he is likely to react to future relationships based on these traumatic memories.
There are four primary types of relationship trauma experienced by gay men: • Betrayal • Abuse • Abandonment • Relationship Ambivalence
Relationship hopelessness is present when a gay man no longer believes that a relationship can be a fulfilling endeavor. He may have crushes, infatuations, and flings, but he never allows them to develop into a long-term relationship.
The acceptance of betrayal is about accepting the following: 1. All men, and gay men in particular, have shortcomings. 2. Betrayal is a product of the betrayer’s woundedness and not the fault of the betrayed.
The question shifts from “What did I do to deserve this?” to “How can I prevent this from happening again?” Acceptance allows us to move on to prevention and regain a sense of control over our lives.
The three legs that make up the stool of contentment are passion, love, and integrity. Contentment in life rests firmly in the ongoing pursuits of these three things.
Passion is the repeated experience of joy in doing something. When one discovers passion, it is usually because an activity seems to produce joy each time it is performed. Normally, there is a diminishing return on the joy associated with an activity. Not so when passion is present. The activity produces a surprising and satisfying amount of joy, again and again.
What was at the source of Danny’s depression wasn’t the lack of joy, it was the lack of noticing joy.
The skill of creating and prolonging joy has three parts: • Make yourself vulnerable to joy. • Notice when you feel joy. • Repeat the behaviors that create joy.
When you feel some joy, even if it is slight, notice what you are doing at the moment and where you are. By recording the behavior and environment in which joy naturally occurs for you, you are better equipped to make yourself feel joy in the future by putting yourself in the same kind of situation again.
Being clear and straightforward about who we are, what we want from others, and our intentions is the cornerstone of integrity. Even at times when it seems smart to not be completely honest or forthcoming, integrity necessitates that we act against this urge.
The learning and practice of passion, love, and integrity is what creates meaningful contentment in our lives. Once we have shed the shackles of shame, and seek to create a life worth living, these three become the ultimate goals of our lives.
meaningful life change comes from mindful practice.
Inner peace above all else
Never react while feeling an intense emotion
Contentment over approval
contentment is created when your behavior is consistent with your values.
Making the decision to act according to your core values rather than what brings approval from others ultimately makes you more content in life.
INCREASING POSITIVE EMOTIONS
Accept reality on reality’s terms
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”
“everything is perfectly as it should be” to illustrate the essence of the skill of acceptance.
Whenever life begins to feel blatantly unfair, ask yourself if there’s something you need to accept.
Of all the emotions, joy is the one that requires that you be fully present in the moment. When you aren’t fully present, you can’t feel joy.
Obsessing about pain creates more pain
The more you act on an emotion, the more of that emotion you are likely to feel in the future.
“Walking” away from distress means simply that you must use your behavior to change the way you are feeling and to reduce the
distress.
Respect your body Skill: Honor your body as you would a precious possession. Refuse to place your body in deliberate jeopardy.
Challenge your own thinking that because life isn’t pleasant, this unpleasantness is going to last forever. Nothing lasts forever.
RELATIONSHIPS Don’t let your sexual tastes be the filter by which you allow people into your life
