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Men—and especially gay men—aren’t noted for the ability to think rationally once the sexual energy is sparking. In those moments, you are likely to say whatever is necessary to make that person like you in return.
At the end of the day, what other people really connect with is another person’s humanity, not his (or her) façade of perfection.
Other people hurt you because they are hurting.
When I default to ideas of contempt before investigating the true reasons for another person’s behavior, I’m almost always wrong.
“he is doing the best that he can do,” it lessens my anger and makes the mistakes of others more tolerable.
Owning up to your part before criticizing someone else will improve your relationships and strengthen your own self-esteem.
At times, it seemed as if the therapy sessions were more about each man trying to win the therapist over to his side of the story rather than owning any part of the problem.
Allow only those people who are trustworthy into your inner circle of intimacy.
Surround yourself with only those people who share your values and whose behavior is consistent with the type of man you want to be, and gently let go of those friendships that aren’t.
An important skill in maintaining any relationship is learning to validate the other person. In fact, validation is what makes a good relationship mutually satisfying.
You are responsible for your feelings and only your feelings (not anyone else’s).
Learning to assert and own your feelings, even when you perceive that others may not accept or approve of them, is a critical turning point in overcoming the ill effects of toxic shame.
This is one of the great insights that psychotherapy has to offer—simply, you are not a victim to your feelings. You are in control of how you feel.
Always seek to allow others the space to be imperfect. And when others disappoint you, avoid the temptation to keep an accounting of such disappointments.
What makes a measurable difference in my life is when I practice—meaning “do”—certain things that are likely to improve my life and increase my contentment. Likewise, when I don’t do these things (I like to call them “skills”), my inner peace and joy are diminished. Many of the skills I have learned are not unique to me and have come to me from a variety of places.
You must do, not just think about, what is likely to bring you joy and peace.
