Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Sunday Times Bestsellar and definitive relationship guide (181 POCHE)

by John Gray

“I really want to hear what you are saying, but right now it is very difficult for me to listen. I think I need some time to think about what you have just said.”

When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.

A man pulls away to fulfill his need for independence or autonomy. When he has fully stretched away, then instantly he will come springing back. When he has fully separated, then suddenly he will feel his need for love and intimacy again.

If a man does not have the opportunity to pull away, he never gets a chance to feel his strong desire to be close. It is essential for women to understand that if they insist on continuous intimacy or “run after” their intimate male partner when he pulls away, then he will almost always be trying to escape and distance himself; he will never get a chance to feel his own passionate longing for love.

This is generally puzzling for a woman because in her experience if she has pulled away, becoming intimate again requires a period of reacquaintance. If she doesn’t understand that men are different in this way, she may have a tendency to mistrust his sudden desire for intimacy and push him away.

When a man springs back, before a woman can open up again to him she generally wants and needs time and conversation to reconnect. This transition can be more graceful if a man understands a woman may need more time to regain the same level of intimacy—especially if she felt hurt when he pulled away.

A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.

Having temporarily fulfilled his hunger for intimacy, he now feels his hunger to be independent, to be on his own. Enough of this needing another person. He may feel he has become too dependent or may not know why he feels a need to pull away.

A common confusion arises when she says “Let’s talk” and immediately he emotionally distances himself. Right when she wants to open up and get closer, he wants to pull away. Commonly I hear the complaint “Every time I want to talk, he pulls away. I feel like he doesn’t care about me.” She mistakenly concludes that he doesn’t ever want to talk to her.

how a man may care very much about his partner but suddenly pull away. When he pulls away it is not because he does not want to talk. Instead, he needs some time alone; time to be with himself when he is not responsible for anyone else. It is a time for him to take care of himself. When he returns then he is available to talk.

To a certain extent a man loses himself through connecting with his partner.

1.A woman will unconsciously sense when a man is pulling away and precisely at those times she will attempt to reestablish their intimate connection and say “Let’s talk.” As

2. When a woman opens up and shares deeper and more intimate feelings it may actually trigger a man’s need to pull away. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm bells go off, saying it is time to find balance by pulling away.

It is not what she says that triggers his departure but when she says it.

1.A woman is afraid to talk because the last time she wanted to talk he pulled away. She mistakenly assumes that he doesn’t care and he doesn’t want to listen.

2. A woman is afraid the man is upset with her and she waits for him to initiate a conversation about his feelings. She knows that if she were suddenly to pull away from him, before she could reconnect she would need to talk about what happened. She waits for him to initiate a conversation about what upset him. He, however, doesn’t need to talk about his upset feelings because he is not upset.

3. A woman has so much to say that she doesn’t want to be rude and just begin talking. To be polite, instead of talking about her own thoughts and feelings she makes the mistake of asking him questions about his feelings and thoughts. When he has nothing to...

When a woman wants to talk or feels the need to get close, she should do the talking and not expect a man to initiate the conversation.

To initiate a conversation she needs to be the first to begin sharing, even if her partner has little to say. As she appreciates him for listening, gradually he will have more to say.

A man can be very open to having a conversation with a woman but at first have nothing to say. What women don’t know about Martians is that they need to have a reason to talk. They don’t talk just for the sake of sharing. But when a woman talks for a while, a man ...

A woman sharing her thoughts naturally motivates a man to talk. But when he feels a demand is being made that he talk, his mind goes blank. He has nothing to say. Even if he has something to say he will resist because he feels her demand.

It is hard for a man when a woman demands that he talk. She unknowingly turns him off by interrogating him. Especially when he doesn’t feel the need to talk. A woman mistakenly assumes that a man “needs to talk” and therefore “should.”

A man who needs to pull away a lot before he can learn to share and open up will first need to listen a lot. He needs to be appreciated for listening, then gradually he will say more.

The more a woman tries to get a man to talk the more he will resist.

When he is available, instead of asking him twenty questions or demanding that he talk, she could let him know that she appreciates him even if he just listens. In the beginning she should even discourage him from talking.

After Maggie talked for a couple of minutes then she could pause and say “I really appreciate when you listen to my feelings, it means a lot to me.” This appreciation encourages a man to listen more.

Without appreciation and encouragement, a man may lose interest because he feels as though his “listening” is “doing nothing.” He doesn’t realize how valuable his listening is to her. Most women, however, instinctively know how important listening is.

I didn’t give him a chance. I stopped being vulnerable. I wanted him to open up before I would.”

Sandra’s conversations were generally one-sided. She would try to get him to talk first by asking him a string of questions. Then, before she could share what she wanted to talk about, she would become upset with his short answers. When she finally did share her feelings, they were always the same. She was upset that he was not open, loving, and sharing.

I wanted him to open up and be vulnerable. I didn’t realize that what I was missing was a man who would support me in being open and vulnerable. That is what I really needed.

It is much more effective to teach a man to listen than to open up and be vulnerable. As he learns to listen to someone he cares for and is appreciated in response, he gradually will open up and share more automatically.

When a man gets too close and doesn’t pull away, common symptoms are increased moodiness, irritability, passiveness, and defensiveness. Jim had not learned how to pull away. He felt guilty spending time alone. He thought he was supposed to share everything with his wife.

There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner’s natural intimacy cycle. They are: (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away.

When he pulls away, she physically follows him. He may walk into another room and she follows.

When he pulls away, she emotionally follows him. She worries about him. She wants to help him feel better. She feels sorry for him. She smothers him with attention and praise.

Another way she may emotionally stop him from pulling away is to disapprove of his need to be alone.

Another approach is to look longingly or hurt whe...

She may try to pull him back mentally by asking him guilt-inducing questions

Another way she may try to pull him back is to try to please him. She becomes overly accommodating. She tries to be perfect so he would never have any reason to pull away. She gives up her sense of self and tries to become what she thinks he wants.

She is afraid to rock the boat for fear that he might pull away, and so she withholds her true feelings and avoids doing anything that may upset him.

When he begins to desire her again she rejects him. She pushes away his physical affection. She may reject him sexually.

When a man is punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of ever doing it again. This fear may prevent him from pulling away in the future. His natural cycle is then broken.

When he returns, she is unhappy and she blames him. She does not forgive him for neglecting her. There is nothing he can do to please her or make her happy.

When he returns, she refuses to open up and share her feelings. She becomes cold and resents him for not opening up and talking.

She stops trusting that he really cares and punishes him by not giving him a chance to listen and be the “good” guy.

When a man feels punished for pulling away, he can become afraid of losing her love if he pulls away. He begins to feel unworthy of her love if he pulls away. He may become afraid to reach out for her love again because he feels unworthy;

This kind of man naturally develops more of his feminine side but at the expense of suppressing some of his masculine power. He is a sensitive man. He tries hard to please and be loving but loses part of his masculine self in the process. He feels guilty pulling away. Without knowing what has happened he loses his desire, power, and passion; he becomes passive or overly dependent.

While some men don’t know how to pull away, others don’t know how to get close. The macho man has no problem pulling away. He just can’t come back and open up. Deep inside he may be afraid he is unworthy of love. He is afraid of being close and caring a lot. He does not have a picture of how welcomed he would be if he got closer. Both the sensitive male and the macho male are missing a positive picture or experience of their natural intimacy cycle.

He understands and respects her need to be reassured that he is interested in her and he does care. Whenever he is not needing to pull away, the wise man takes the time to initiate conversation by asking his female partner how she is feeling. He grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be back.

The man grows to understand his own cycles and reassures her when he pulls away that he will be back.