Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Sunday Times Bestsellar and definitive relationship guide (181 POCHE)

by John Gray

This is when I need you the most. I’m in pain. I haven’t slept in days. Please listen to me.”

As long as she was happy and nice, I loved back. But if she was unhappy or upset, I would feel blamed and then argue or distance myself.

To improve relations between the sexes it is necessary to create an understanding of our differences that raises self-esteem and personal dignity while inspiring mutual trust, personal responsibility, increased cooperation, and greater love.

We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways—the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again and again and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences.

men mistakenly offer solutions and invalidate feelings while women offer unsolicited advice and direction.

Men are motivated when they feel needed while women are motivated when they feel cherished.

When men and women are able to respect and accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.

Through understanding the hidden differences of the opposite sex we can more successfully give and receive the love that is in our hearts. By validating and accepting our differences, creative solutions can be discovered whereby we can succeed in getting what we want. And, more important, we can learn how to best love and support the people we care about.

The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen.

Mr. Fix-It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn’t appreciate this gesture of love.

She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.

The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them.

feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things. She forms a home-improvement committ...

She thinks she’s nurturing him, while he feels he’s being controlled. Instead, he wants her acceptance.

Martians value power, competency, efficiency, and achievement. They are always doing things to prove themselves and develop their power and skills. Their sense of self is defined through their ability to achieve results. They experience fulfillment primarily through success and accomplishment.

Achieving goals is very important to a Martian because it is a way for him to prove his competence and thus feel good about himself. And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else can’t achieve them for him. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency, power, and competence.

men resist so much being corrected or being told what to do. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own. Men are very touchy about this, because the issue of competence is so very important to them.

Because he is handling his problems on his own, a Martian rarely talks about his problems unless he needs expert advice.

Asking for help when you can do it yourself is perceived as a sign of weakness.

However, if he truly does need help, then it is a sign of wisdom to get it. In this case, he will find someone he respects and then talk about his problem. Talking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honored by the opportunity.

This Martian custom is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems.

He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems.

Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless. He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.

Venusians have different values. They value love, communication, beauty, and relationships. They spend a lot of time supporting, helping, and nurturing one another. Their sense of self is defined through their feelings and the quality of their relationships. They experience fulfillment through sharing and relating.

Relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is the opposite of Mars.

Personal expression, especially of their feelings, is very important.

To share their personal feelings is much more important than achieving goals and success. Talking and relating to one another is a source of tremendous fulfillment.

Instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love, and caring.

Women’s restaurant talk can be very open and intimate, almost like the dialogue that occurs between therapist and patient.

Venusians are very intuitive. They have developed this ability through centuries of anticipating the needs of others. They pride themselves in being considerate of the needs and feelings of others. A sign of great love is to offer help and assistance to another Venusian without being asked.

Because proving one’s competence is not as important to a Venusian, offering help is not offensive, and needing help is not a sign of weakness.

it is another feather in her hat if someone offers to help her. It makes her feel loved and cherished. But offering help to a man can make him feel incompetent, weak, and even unloved.

Venusians firmly believe that when something is working it can always work better. Their nature is to want to improve things.

Offering advice and constructive criticism is an act of love.

Martians are more solution oriented. If something is working, their motto is don’t change it.

When a woman tries to improve a man, he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn’t realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.

Mary could not appreciate how important it was for Tom to accomplish his goal without help. Offering advice was the ultimate insult. As we have explored, Martians never offer advice unless asked. A way of honoring another Martian is always to assume he can solve his problem unless he is asking for help.

At that time he was particularly vulnerable and needed some extra love. To honor him by not offering advice would have been a gift equivalent to his buying her a beautiful bouquet of flowers or writing her a love note.

when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and hurt. His reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother.

especially when it comes to fixing mechanical things, getting places, or solving problems. These are the times when he needs her loving acceptance the most and not her advice or criticism.

Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.

So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn’t pleased.

He wanted to help, but his problem-solving tactics didn’t work.

Tom didn’t understand how important it was just to listen without offering solutions. His solutions only made things worse. You see, Venusians never offer solutions when someone is talking. A way of honoring another Venusian is to listen patiently with empathy, seeking truly to understand the other’s feelings.

just listening with empathy to Mary express her feelings would bring her tremendou...

Tom learned the wisdom of listening without offering solutions while Mary learned the wisdom of letting go and accepting without offering unsolicited advice or criticism.

A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix-It, as long as he doesn’t come out when she is upset.

needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.

Women need to remember that unsolicited advice or criticism—especially if he has made a mistake—makes him feel unloved and controlled. He needs her acceptance more than her advice, in order to learn from his mistakes. When a man feels that a woman is not trying to improve him, he is much more likely to ask for her feedback and advice.

When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.