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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
John Gray
Read between
May 20 - June 19, 2020
“I want to forget everything” translated into Martian means “I want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. I would love to do something really nurturing for myself before I have to be responsible again. Would you ask me ‘What’s the matter?’ and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? I just want to feel you understanding the pressures I feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax. Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things.”
“This house is always a mess” translated into Martian means “Today I feel like relaxing, but the house is so messy. I am frustrated and I need a rest. I hope you don’t expect me to clean it all up. Would you agree with me that it is a mess and then offer to help clean up part of it?”
“No one listens to me anymore” translated into Martian means “I am afraid I am boring to you. I am afraid you are no longer interested in me. I seem to be very sensitive today. Would you give me some special attention? I would love it. I’ve had a hard day and feel as though no one wants to hear what I have to say.
“Would you listen to me and continue to ask me supportive questions such as: ‘What happened today? What else happened? How did you feel? What did you want? How else do you feel?’ Also support me by saying caring, acknowledging, and reassuring statements such as: ‘Tell me more’ or ‘That’s right’ or ‘I know what you mean’ or ‘I understand.’ Or just listen, and occasionally when I pause make one of these reassuring sounds: ‘oh,’ ‘humph,’ ‘uh-huh,’ and ‘hmmm.’
“Nothing is working” translated into Martian means “Today I am so overwhelmed and I am so grateful that I can share my feelings with you. It helps me so much to feel better. Today it seems like nothing I do works. I know that this is not true, but I sure feel that way when I get so overwhelmed by all the things I still have to do. Would you give me a hug and tell me that I am doing a great job. It would sure feel good.”
“You don’t love me anymore” translated into Martian means “Today I am feeling as though you don’t love me. I am afraid I have pushed you away. I know you really do love me, you do so much for me. Today I am just feeling a little insecure. Would you reassure me of your love and tell me those three magic words, I love you. When you do that it feels so good.”
“We are always in a hurry” translated into Martian means “I feel so rushed today. I don’t like rushing. I wish our life was not so hurried. I know it is nobody’s fault and I certainly don’t blame you. I know you are doing your best to get us there on time and I really appreciate how much you care. “Would you empathize with me and say something like, ‘It is hard always rushing around. I don’t always like rushing either.’ ”
“I want more romance” translated into Martian means “Sweetheart, you have been working so hard lately. Let’s take some time out for ourselves. I love it when we can relax and be alone without the kids around and no work pressures. You are so romantic. Would you surprise me with flowers sometime soon and take me out on a date? I love being romanced.”
The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn’t talking.
Women think out loud, sharing their process of inner discovery with an interested listener. Even today, a woman often discovers what she wants to say through the process of just talking. This process of just letting thoughts flow freely and expressing them out loud helps her to tap into her intuition. This process is perfectly normal and especially necessary sometimes.
But men process information very differently. Before they talk or respond, they first silently “mull over” or think about what they have heard or experienced. Internally and silently they figure out the most correct or useful response. They first formulate it inside and then express it. This process could take from minutes to hours. And to make matters even more confusing for women, if he does not have enough information to process an answer, a man may not respond at all.
when he is silent, he is saying “I don’t know what to say yet, but I am thinking about it.” Instead what they hear is “I am not responding to you because I don’t care about you and I am going to ignore you. What you have sai...
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Women misinterpret a man’s silence.
This may then trigger her deepest fear, which is “I am afraid that if he rejects me then I will never be loved. I don’t deserve to be loved.”
When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst because the only times a woman would be silent are when what she had to say would be hurtful or when she didn’t want to talk to a person because she didn’t trust him anymore and wanted to have nothing to do with him. No wonder women become insecure when a man suddenly becomes quiet!
When a woman listens to another woman, she will continue to reassure the speaker that she is listening and that she cares. Instinctively when the speaker pauses the female listener will reassure the speaker by making reassuring responses like “oh, uh-huh, hmmm, ah, ah-ha, or humph.”
she often mistakenly assumes that if she could ask him lots of questions about how he is feeling and be a good listener, then he would feel better. This only upsets Martians more.
Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react.
Never go into a man’s cave or you will be burned by the dragon!
Instead of saying “I am upset and I need some time to be alone,” men just become quiet.
When a man makes one of the above abbreviated comments he generally wants silent acceptance or space.
“I’m OK” translated into Venusian means “I am OK, I can deal with my upset. I don’t need any help, thank you.”
“It’s nothing” translated into Venusian means “Nothing is bothering me that I cannot handle alone. Please don’t ask any more questions about it.”
“It’s all right” translated into Venusian means “This is a problem but you are not to blame. I can resolve this within myself if you don’t interrupt my process by asking more questions or offering suggestions. Just act like it didn’t happen and I can process it within myself more effectively.”
“It’s no big deal” translated into Venusian means “It is no big deal because I can make things work again. Please don’t dwell on this problem or talk more about it. That makes me more upset. I accept responsibility for solving this problem. It makes me happy to solve it.”
“It’s no problem” translated into Venusian means “I have no problem doing this or solving this problem. It is my pleasure to offer this gift to you.”
the more women try to get them to talk or come out, the longer it takes.
To make a man feel wrong for going into his cave has the effect of pushing him back into the cave even when he wants to come out.
How to Support a Man in His Cave Don’t disapprove of his need for withdrawing. Don’t try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions. Don’t try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings. Don’t sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out. Don’t worry about him or feel sorry for him. Do something that makes you happy.
A man wants his favorite Venusian to trust that he can handle what is bothering him.
He wants her to be happy so that he has one less problem to worry about. In addition he wants her to be happy because it helps him to feel loved by her.
Men support one another by not worrying or minimizing their troubles.
It took me years to understand that my wife actually wanted me to worry for her when she was upset.
When I begin showing signs of interest in her, she recognizes that I am coming out of the cave, and it is then a time to talk.
As he begins to feel her acceptance, he will begin to ask what she thinks. If, however, he detects her demanding that he change, he will not ask for advice or suggestions. Especially in an intimate relationship, men need to feel very secure before they open up and ask for support.
“There is something I want to talk about but I don’t know how to say it. [Pause.] I don’t want to offend you, but I also really want to say it. Would you listen and then suggest to me a better way I could say it?” This helps him to prepare himself for the shock and then he happily discovers that it is not such a big deal.
Women need to understand that they are nurturing him when they abstain from offering unsolicited advice to solve his problems. He needs her loving support but in a different way than she thinks. To withhold correcting a man or trying to improve him are ways to nurture him. Giving advice can be nurturing only if he directly asks for it.
he didn’t want her telling him what to do by reminding him to follow my advice. He wanted her to trust that he knew what to do!
It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be pitied. A woman may say “I am so sorry I hurt you.” He will say “It was no big deal” and push away her support. She on the other hand loves to hear him say “I’m sorry I hurt you.” She then feels he really cares. Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways to show they trust.
With an awareness of what I wanted, instead of what she would have wanted, it was easier for her to succeed in supporting me.
Little changes can be made without sacrificing who we are. This was the secret of success for the Martians and Venusians. They were both careful not to sacrifice their true natures, but they were also willing to make small changes in the way they interacted. They learned how relationships could work better by creating or changing a few simple phrases.
A woman should not be judged for needing this reassurance, just as a man should not be judged for needing to withdraw.
as she describes her problems she can support him by appreciating the things he has done to make her life easier and more fulfilling.
A man needs to work at remembering that complaining about problems does not mean blaming and that when a woman complains she is generally just letting go of her frustrations by talking about them. A woman can work at letting him know that though she is complaining she also appreciates him.
The four magic words to support a man are “It’s not your fault.”
to support my sister I didn’t have to give her any solutions. She needed someone just to listen. After ten minutes of just listening and occasionally saying things like “uh-huh,” “oh,” and “really!” she then said, “Well, thank you, John. I feel so much better.”
A man often blames a woman for being blaming when she is innocently talking about problems. This is very destructive to the relationship because it blocks communication.
All of these responses are respectful and give her a chance to take back any blame that he might have felt. When she says “Oh, no, I’m not saying it’s all your fault” he will probably feel somewhat relieved.
she always has a right to be upset and that once she gets it out, she will feel much better. This awareness allows me to relax and remember that if I can listen without taking it personally, then when she needs to complain she will be so appreciative of me. Even if she was blaming me, she will not hold on to it.
Although listening is an important skill to practice, some days a man is too sensitive or stressed to translate the intended meaning of her phrases. At such times he should not even attempt to listen. Instead he could kindly say “This isn’t a good time for me. Let’s talk later.”
