Models: Attract Women Through Honesty

by Mark Manson

Most of us have a lot of fear and shame bundled up in our sexuality.

These fears usually manifest themselves in a handful of very specific scenarios: • Fear of approaching and starting a conversation with an attractive woman • Fear of stating sexual interest either directly or indirectly (by asking for a phone number, calling a phone number, asking her out on a date, etc.) • Fear of initiating sexual contact (typically the first kiss situation) • Fear of actual sexual intercourse

I personally think anxiety is the biggest culprit when it comes to preventing men from successfully meeting and dating women. You remove anxiety, and trial-and-error will take care of most of the rest.

The fact that you’re scared to death demonstrates a high level of investment in her opinion of you, and thus a high degree of neediness.

1. Blame Game — The Blame Game is where, when confronted with something he’s afraid of, a man blames someone or something else for his fear.

Apathy and Avoidance — This has always been my Achilles’ heel, and it’s quite common. Experiencing apathy and avoidance is exactly as it says: it’s when a man convinces himself that he doesn’t care or that it’s not important to him.

I did this for years. I convinced myself that I didn’t care about meeting women and that it didn’t really matter if girls I liked didn’t find me attractive. Well, after enough months of sitting home alone looking at porn while all of my friends were going through girlfriend after girlfriend, I had a rude awakening: I do care. Apathy and avoidance isn’t the worst response when avoiding our fears with women in that it usually can’t last forever. We’re biologically compelled to pursue women so at some point, instinct will win over. Where it is dangerous is in other areas of our life such as career, family or hobbies. The apathy and avoidance pattern is the root behind the couch potatoes and disgruntled office workers of the world.

So here are some helpful ways to break your own pattern: Take a moment and think about what you’re most anxious about. Is it approaching? Is it showing sexual interest? Is it asking a woman out? Is it the first kiss? Now write down your pattern with it. So for instance, “Calling women, pattern is apathy,” or “Approaching women, pattern is blame game.” Now, create a goal for yourself, for instance, “Call every phone number I get, no matter how much I don’t care.” Write it down. Tell a friend or a buddy what you plan on doing and ask him to keep you accountable.

But when you practice taking responsibility for everything that happens in your life, you stop blaming others. It becomes less a question of blame and more a question of sacrifice.

And as long as they’re accomplishing something, then they don’t have to confront what they’re afraid of: going out and standing in front of a woman and expressing their truth, being vulnerable, subjecting themselves to rejection.

Many men, when they first begin trying to flirt with women, will tease them or “neg” them. Ask yourself this, what’s the difference between a tease and an insult? Both are derogatory statements. Both often incorporate humor. So what’s the difference? Intention.

The number one fear deterring men from openly expressing their sexual desires towards women is a fear of being perceived as “creepy.”

There’s no such thing as a man who is adored by women who isn’t also creepy some of the time.

Creepiness is behaving in a way that makes a woman feel insecure sexually.

Flirting is expressing your sexuality to a woman in a way that makes her feel secure expressing her sexuality back towards you.

Scientific research shows that sexual tension builds when the uncertainty of potential sexual possibilities is presented in an interaction.

For example, if I say something with implied sexual innuendo like, “Well, that’s cool you are into cats, maybe I can come over and play with your pussy for a while,” this generates sexual tension because, assuming she doesn’t throw her drink in my face or slap me, it leaves the possibility of a future sexual encounter on the table. It’s a story with no ending, the human brain wants to know what happens next.

But one can flirt by being clear with one’s intentions as well. One can state one’s sexual desires clearly or actually even move to make those sexual desires happen.

For instance, let’s say you meet a woman and just come right out and say, “I think you’re beautiful, I’d like to take you on a date.”

Not only is it vulnerable, as we’ve discussed at length, but it also builds far more sexual tension.

First of all, a direct statement like that is polarizing. So if a woman is not interested in you, she will let you know then and there. If she is interested in you, this bold statement will make her so excited that you will also know then and there. Either way, you win.

Women are turned on by being desired, remember? They are aroused by men who perform bold behaviors towards them. So it turns her on.

It also demonstrates that you are not needy, which makes you more attractive to her.

But if a man goes the bold and vulnerable route, and is willing to risk rejection, he is rewarded by creating massive amounts of sexual tension, because in a single stroke you have transported the context away from, “What do we talk about next?” to “What will he say or do with me next?”

A lot of pick up and dating advice is what I call “attraction obsessed.” It has a constant, incessant harping on being the most attractive/alpha guy possible — usually by employing all sorts of tricks, games, tactics, techniques, manipulation and other falsehoods. Attraction obsession comes from a place of insecurity. It seeks validation. It’s needy behavior and, therefore, self-sabotaging in the long run.

Instead of just, “I like Empire of the Sun,” you could say, “I love Empire of the Sun. They always remind me of my brother. My brother used to drive me to school for years, and he would blast Empire of the Sun every morning. Looking back, it meant a lot to me, my brother taking care of me like that. My dad was always too busy. So Empire of the Sun always reminds me of that. Those moments of appreciation that you don’t recognize until years later.” Wow, that’s a little intense, right? That’s the idea. If you feel uncomfortable just reading that and imagining yourself saying something like it, then that’s good. That’s vulnerability. And ultimately, that’s what’s going to make you an attractive man who can emotionally connect with women.

Ninety percent of the time when I meet a new woman, I simply say, “Hi, I’m Mark.” I then follow it up with, “I wanted to meet you.” And if I’m feeling particularly bold, I’ll say, “I thought you were cute and wanted to meet you.” That’s it.

1. Do not startle or scare her when you approach her. This is possibly the only death knell for approaching women. If you startle her or scare her when she first meets you, in my experience, there is almost absolutely nothing you can do to recover.

When in doubt on how to approach a woman, simply walk up and introduce yourself and explain to her that you wanted to meet her. I know this sounds drab and boring. But remember, it’s not about entertaining her; it’s about being non-needy and expressing your genuine interest in her. During the day, I often preface the introduction by saying something like, “Excuse me, this is kind of random...” Also during the day, I usually tell them that I think they’re cute.

Smile. Always smile. Don’t smile like the Joker from the Batman movies smiles. But smile like you’re a nice, friendly person. A comfortable smile. Lean back. Stand up tall. Speak loudly yet clearly. Make strong eye contact. Introduce yourself and stick out your hand. Give a firm handshake. This is called being a confident human being. If you are getting many rejections right on the initial approach, then it’s one of the following three things: You’re presenting yourself poorly

Your intentions are off. You’re approaching for the wrong reasons. The

You’re not following one of the guidelines above.

Creating threads of conversation through statement is far more powerful than questions.

Instead of incessant questioning, you want to develop a skill called cold reading. Cold reading is a skill where you’re able to intuitively “know” something about someone else without actually knowing it.

There’s no failing with cold reading. With every cold read, one of three things will happen: You’ll be wrong, and she’ll correct you. You’ll be wrong, and she’ll ask you what made you think that. You’ll be right, and she’ll freak out at how perceptive you are.

Instead of fishing for a new conversation based on a generic question, you can simply comment about something or observe something. Never underestimate the power of non-sequiturs.

This uncovering of identity is what creates the sense of a “connection.” The greater the connection you create, the more she’ll want to spend time with you and vice-versa.

Using dirty language or swear words is kind of a cheap and easy way to make whatever you say more extreme. For instance, adding the word “fucking” into just about any humorous statement will make it pack a little more of a punch.

Like it or not, the dating process follows a somewhat rigid line. Boy meets girl, asks girl on date, corresponds with girl, sets up date with girl, corresponds with girl, sets up second date with girl, repeat until eventually you bring girl home with you, and at some point you decide if you’re exclusive, non-exclusive, a casual couple, fuck buddies, soul-mates, or never want to see each other ever again.

Only ask a woman for her phone number if she seems genuinely attracted and interested in you. Only ask for her number if you can see yourself wanting to hang out with her again or having time to hang out with her again.

When you ask her for her phone number, don’t come up with a fancy line or make up a reason. Just ask her for it.

There are a million legitimate reasons women can flake other than them not being attracted to you.

I always text within 24 hours of getting her number. I send a simple text: “Hey Sara, it was nice meeting you.” That’s it.

Me: Hey Mary, it was nice meeting you tonight. Her: You too! :) Me (next day): Hey, you said you work until 4 PM, right? Her: Yes, do you still want to meet? Me: Yeah. How about 7:30? Her: Can we do 8? Me: Sure. In the city center? Her: Yes, in front of the X restaurant. Do you know where it is? Me: Yea, see you there. Her: See you soon. :)

Don’t do lunch dates, and never make an afternoon date the first date if possible. Just don’t do it. For whatever reason, nothing says, “let’s just be friends” more than having lunch together. Save dates for the nighttime.

Good date locations are locations that are active, participatory, and allow for touching and flirting. Alcohol can be helpful as well if that’s your style. Some good examples include comedy clubs, dance classes, museum exhibits, walks in interesting places (plazas, parks, etc.), concerts, or just grabbing a drink somewhere.

Bars and nightclubs are fine if you both are into those kinds of venues. Just make sure that if you go, you end up there alone.

Finally, you should find venues and activities that are close to either your place or her place.

This may sound weird to you, but this is key. Most men do dinner and then sit at the table for another hour chatting away. There’s little flirting. No activity. No touching. No sense of dynamics or change. On our dates, we are doing things — lots of things. We’re going bowling, having drinks, dancing, checking out statues in the park and carriage riding — all in three hours.

Our level of intimacy with one another doesn’t just come from how much we talk about as much as it comes from the experiences we share.