When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man

by Edward T. Welch

I didn’t have to measure up to the standards of others’ opinions because God’s opinion of me was rooted in the finished work of Jesus. In other words, even though I was a sinner, God loved me and made me righteous in his sight, so who cared what other people thought?!

When I was first married, I knew that Jesus loved me, but I also wanted my new wife to be absolutely, forever smitten with me. I needed love from her. I could finally handle small amounts of rejection from other people, but I felt paralyzed if I didn’t have the love I needed from her. I needed unconditional love. If she didn’t think I was a great husband, I would be crushed (and, as you might guess, a little angry).

I had mutated into a walking love tank, a person who was empty inside and looking for a person to fill me. My bride was, indeed, gifted in being able to love, but no one could have possibly filled me. I think I was a love tank with a leak.

As a result, they are in bondage, controlled by others and feeling empty. They are controlled by whoever or whatever they believe can give them what they think they need.

They awoke to an epidemic of the soul called, in biblical language, “the fear of man.”

“Fear” in the biblical sense is a much broader word. It includes being afraid of someone, but it extends to holding someone in awe, being controlled or mastered by people, worshipping other

people, putting your trust in people, or needing people.

However you put it, the fear of man can be summarized this way: We replace God with people. Instead of a biblically guided fear of the Lord, we fear others.

Of course, the “fear of man” goes by other names. When we are in our teens, it is called “peer

pressure.” When we are older, it is called “p...

Recently, it has been called “co...

Here again, if you need others to fill you, you are controlled by them.

Are you jealous of other people? You are controlled by them and their possessions.

Does it include you yet? If not, consider just one word: evangelism. Have you ever been too

timid to share your faith in Christ because others might think you are an irrational fool?

Sometimes it still allows us and our needs to be at the center of the world, and God becomes our psychic errand boy given the task of inflating our self-esteem.

instead of “How can I feel better about myself and not be controlled by what people think?” a better question is “Why am I so concerned about self-esteem?” or “Why do I have to have someone — even Jesus — think that I am great?”

we need a way to think less often about ourselves.

The most radical treatment for the fear of man is the fear of the Lord. God must be bigger to you than people are. This antidote takes years to grasp; in fact, it will take all of our lives. But my hope is that the process can be accelerated and nurtured through what we will study in this book.

Regarding other people, our problem is that we need them (for ourselves) more than we love them (for the glory of God). The task God sets for us ...

You may not have heard of these books, but you are more likely to be familiar with shame’s less technical form — self-esteem.

Shame, and its feeling of disgrace before God and others, surfaces in our culture as low self-esteem, with its feelings of worthlessness.

Shame and low self-esteem are both rooted in Adam’s sin. They both are governed by the pe...

and they both involve “not feeling good ab...

Low self-esteem is a pop version of biblical shame or nakedness. It is secularized shame.

America seems to have concluded that low self-esteem is the root of every problem.

The problem is that we really are not okay. There is no reason why we should feel great about ourselves. We truly are deficient. The meager props of the self-esteem teaching will eventually collapse as people realize that their problem is much deeper. The problem is, in part, our nakedness before God.

Have you noticed how often the evangelical church emphasizes honesty and openness? It needs to be a continuing refrain because we don’t like to be open. We prefer walls of self-protection even as Christians.

We want to hide, but we also want to spy. Spying might reveal the vulnerability of others so that we can believe that they are no different from us (or even not as good as us). Disgrace wants company.

He is right. Everyday is Halloween. Putting on our masks is a regular part of our morning ritual, just like brushing our teeth and eating breakfast. The masquerade, however, is anything but festive. Underneath the masks are people who are terrified that there will be an unveiling. And, indeed, the masks and other coverings will one day be removed. There will be an eternal unveiling. But it is not so much the eyes of other people that we ought to fear. After all, other people are no different from ourselves. Kierkegaard points to a deeper fear: the eyes of God.

The gospel is the story of God covering his naked enemies, bringing them to the wedding feast, and then marrying them rather than crushing them.

Remember that in Jesus’ death, resurrection, and ascension, through faith he has covered you with righteous robes.

They ignore us. They don’t like us. They aren’t pleased with us. They withhold the acceptance, love, or significance we want from them. As a result, we feel worthless.

I wonder how many of us fear (respect or reverence) those who have more money, more power, more education, more attractiveness.

Yet there were some leaders who could not ignore Jesus’ authoritative teaching and miracles, and they quietly believed in him.

They feared confessing their faith because of the possible reactions of those in the synagogue, “for they loved praise from men more than praise from God” (John 12:42-43).

The praise of others — that wisp of a breeze that lasts for a moment — can seem more glorious to us than the praise of God.

the only God?” (John 5:44). Today we would be nice and call the Pharisees people-pleasers.

His teaching was not done by first taking a poll of what was popular; instead, he spoke truth that was often unpopular but could penetrate the heart. “I do not accept praise from men,” he said.

Paul even indicated to the Galatians that if he were still trying to please men, he would not be a servant of God (Gal. 1:10).

Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel.... Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

For Peter to make such a denial, we would assume that his confronter must have been a centurion, a Pharisee, or someone who could have executed him on the spot. His life must have been in great danger. But no, it was a girl. Not a woman of great influence, but a servant girl. Yes,

Surely Peter knew the seriousness of an oath. He knew Jesus’ teaching from the Sermon on the Mount, “Let your ‘yes’ be ‘yes,’ your ‘no’ ‘no.’”

“May God Almighty curse me and my family if I am not speaking the truth.”

perhaps on another cool night around a fire, Jesus countered Peter’s three denials with three invitations to feed the flock, and he finished by saying, “Follow me” (John 21:15-19).

Although insignificant in itself, the idol becomes huge and rules us. It tells us how to think, what to feel, and how to act. It tells us what to wear,

Read Joshua 1:1-9 and note the exhortations. Three times during God’s initial counsel to Joshua he says, “Be strong and courageous.” “Have I not commanded you?” he asks. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified: do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go” (v. 9).

What is God’s response to victims who have trusted in him? First, he understands their shame.

God does not abandon those who have been victimized (cf. Ps. 22).

God extends his compassion and his mighty, rescuing arm to take away shame.