Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

by Douglas Stone

Don’t Vent: Describe Feelings Carefully

Thinking that you shouldn’t feel as you do will rarely change the fact that you do.

Express the Full Spectrum of Your Feelings

share pure feelings (without judgments, attributions, or blame); save problem-solving until later; and don’t monopolize.

The biggest factor that contributes to a vulnerable identity is “all-or-nothing” thinking: I’m either competent or incompetent, good or evil, worthy of love or not.

You Will Make Mistakes.

Your Intentions Are Complex.

You Have Contributed to the Problem.

“I am constantly losing my balance. My skill lies in my ability to regain it.”

rather than trying to control the other person’s reaction, adopt the And Stance.

Imagine That It’s Three Months Or Ten Years From Now

If You Raise It: Three Purposes That Work

Learning Their Story

Expressing Your Views and Feelings

Problem-Solving Together

The Third Story would remove the judgment from the description, and instead describe the problem as a difference

Your purpose in opening the conversation is to invite the other person into a joint exploration. In the course of that exploration you’ll spend time in each side’s perspective, and then come back to adjust your own views based on what you’ve learned and what you’ve shared.

The simple advice about making requests is this: Don’t make it a demand. Instead, invite an exploration of whether a raise is fair, whether it makes sense.

From the information I have, I think I deserve one. [Here’s my reasoning.] I wonder how you see it?”

What to Talk About Explore where each story comes from “My reactions here probably have a lot to do with my experiences in a previous job. . . .” Share the impact on you “I don’t know whether you intended this, but I felt extremely uncomfortable when . . . .” Take responsibility for your contribution “There are a number of things I’ve done that have made this situation harder. . . .” Describe feelings “I’m anxious about bringing this up, but at the same time, it’s important to me that we talk about it. . . .” Reflect on the identity issues “I think the reason this subject hooks me is that I don’t like thinking of myself as someone who . . . .”

Three Skills: Inquiry, Paraphrasing, and Acknowledgment

Don’t Make Statements Disguised as Questions

Ask Open-Ended Questions

Ask for More Concrete Information

feelings crave acknowledgment. Like free radicals, feelings wander around the conversation looking for some acknowledgment to hook onto.

Acknowledge Before Problem-Solving

Acknowledging Is Not Agreeing

Self-knowledge and the belief that what you want to share is important will take you significantly further than eloquence and wit.

Start with What Matters Most

Don’t Rely on Subtext.

Avoid Easing In.

Don’t Present Your Conclusions as The Truth

Share Where Your Conclusions Come From

Don’t Exaggerate with “Always” and “Never”: Give Them Room to Change

You Can Reframe Anything

You can’t move the conversation in a more positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood.

It Takes Two to Agree

Say What Is Still Missing.

Say What Would Persuade You.

Ask What (If Anything) Would Persuade Them.

Ask Their Advice.

Invent Options

A Difficult Conversations Checklist Step 1: Prepare by Walking Through the Three Conversations 1. Sort out What Happened. • Where does your story come from (information, past experiences, rules)? Theirs? • What impact has this situation had on you? What might their intentions have been? • What have you each contributed to the problem? 2. Understand Emotions. • Explore your emotional footprint, and the bundle of emotions you experience. 3. Ground Your Identity. • What’s at stake for you about you? What do you need to accept to be better grounded? Step 2: Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether to Raise the Issue • Purposes: What do you hope to accomplish by having this conversation? Shift your stance to support learning, sharing, and problem-solving. • Deciding: Is this the best way to address the issue and achieve your purposes? Is the issue really embedded in your Identity Conversation? Can you affect the problem by changing your contributions? If you don’t raise it, what can you do to help yourself let go? Step 3: Start from the Third Story 1. Describe the problem as the difference between your stories. Include both viewpoints as a legitimate part of the discussion. 2. Share your purposes. 3. Invite them to join you as a partner in sorting out the situation together. Step 4: Explore Their Story and Yours • Listen to understand their perspective on what happened. Ask questions. Acknowledge the feelings behind the arguments and accusations. Paraphrase to see if you’ve got i...