Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

by Douglas Stone

First work to understand it. The mere act of understanding someone else’s story doesn’t require you to give up your own.

The And Stance gives you a place from which to assert the full strength of your views and feelings without having to diminish the views and feelings of someone else.

the most useful question is not “Who’s right?” but “Now that we really understand each other, what’s a good way to manage this problem?”

you may still stumble on the next step, thinking that however much their story makes sense to them, you are still “right” and they are still “wrong.”

but merely being right doesn’t do you much good.

understanding the other person’s story doesn’t mean you have to agree with it, nor does it require you to give up your own.

“And” helps you to be curious and clear.

understanding – imagining yourself into the other person’s story – has got to be your first step. Before you can figure out how to move forward, you need to understand where you are.

Disentangle Intent from Impact