Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

by Douglas Stone

Not Right or Wrong, Not Better or Worse - Just Different

The Third Story simply captures the difference. That’s what allows both sides to buy into the same description of the problem: each feels that their story is acknowledged as a legitimate part of the discussion.

Importantly, you don’t have to know what the other person’s story entails to include it in initiating the conversation this way. All you have to do is acknowledge that it’s there: that there are probably lots of things you don’t understand about their perspective, and that one of the reasons you want to talk is that you want to learn more about their view.

You can begin from the Third Story by saying, “My sense is that you and I see this situation differently. I’d like to share how I’m seeing it, and learn more about how you’re seeing it.”

You can follow the Third Story guidelines even when you are not the initiator of the conversation. Here’s what you do. You take whatever the other person says and use it as their half of a description from the Third Story. Since the Third Story includes their story, starting the conversation with their view doesn’t mean you’re off track.

Knowing that their perspective has a place in the conversation, and that this isn’t a campaign to change them, makes it more likely that they will accept your invitation.

even delivering bad news should be a conversation, and it’s usually best to put the bad news up front.

The simple advice about making requests is this: Don’t make it a demand. Instead, invite an exploration of whether a raise is fair, whether it makes sense. That’s not being unassertive, that’s being in better touch with reality.

Try replacing “I think I deserve a raise” with “I’d like to explore whether a raise for me might make sense. From the information I have, I think I deserve one. [Here’s my reasoning.] I wonder how you see it?”

Andrew’s story demonstrates something that is true for all of us: we have a deep desire to feel heard, and to know that others care enough to listen.

Listening well is one of the most powerful skills you can bring to a difficult conversation. It helps you understand the other person. And, importantly, it helps them understand you.

in the great majority of cases, the reason the other person is not listening to you is not because they are stubborn, but because they don’t feel heard.

Listening is only powerful and effective if it is authentic. Authenticity means that you are listening because you are curious and because you care, not just because you are supposed to.

It is a fundamental rule: feelings crave acknowledgment. Like free radicals, feelings wander around the conversation looking for some acknowledgment to hook onto. They won’t be happy until they get it, and nothing else will do.

Acknowledging Is Not Agreeing

While you may not agree with the substance of what the other person is saying, you can still acknowledge the importance of their feelings.

Too often we assume that we either have to agree or disagree with the other person. In fact, we can acknowledge the power and importance of the feelings, while disagreeing with the substance of what is being said.

A Final Thought: Empathy Is a Journey, Not a Destination

As an empathetic listener, you are on a journey with a direction but no destination. You will never “arrive.” You will never be able to say, “I truly understand you.” We are all too complex for that, and our skills to imagine ourselves into other people’s lives too limited.

In a difficult conversation your primary task is not to persuade, impress, trick, outwit, convert, or win over the other person. It is to express what you see and why you see it that way, how you feel, and maybe who you are. Self-knowledge and the belief that what you want to share is important will take you significantly further than eloquence and wit.

Whenever I have felt intimidated or mistreated by someone above me, I remember this – we are all equal in the eyes of God.”

No matter who we are, no matter how high and mighty we fancy ourselves, or how low and unworthy we may feel, we all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

Expressing yourself can be difficult and trying, but it gives the relationship a chance to change and to become stronger.

A relationship takes hold and grows when both participants experience themselves and the other as being authentic. Such relationships are both more comfortable (it’s more relaxing to be yourself) and nourishing to the soul (“My boss knows some of my vulnerabilities and still thinks I’m okay”).

You are entitled to express yourself. If you do not believe this to your core then you’ve got some work to do.

This is unfortunately all too typical of many difficult conversations. We say the least important things, sometimes over and over again, and wonder why the other person doesn’t realize what we really think and how we really feel.

As you embark upon a difficult conversation, ask yourself, “Have I said what is at the heart of the matter for me? Have I shared what is at stake?” If not, ask yourself why, and see if you can find the courage to try.

presenting your story as the truth – which creates resentment, defensiveness, and leads to arguments – is a wholly avoidable disaster.

The first step toward clarity, then, is to share your conclusions and opinions as your conclusions and opinions and not as the truth. The second step is to share what’s beneath your conclusions — the information you have and how you have interpreted it.

3. Don’t Exaggerate with “Always” and “Never”: Give Them Room to Change

A better approach is to proceed as if (however hard it may be to believe) the other person is simply unaware of the impact of their actions on you, and, being a good person, would certainly wish to change their behavior once they became aware of it.

The key is to communicate your feelings in a way that invites and encourages the recipient to consider new ways of behaving, rather than suggesting they’re a schmuck and it’s too bad there’s nothing they can do about it.

Help Them Understand You

It’s not easy to step into someone else’s story. It’s especially hard when the issues are emotionally charged or when your views are rooted in a different generation or radically dissimilar corporate culture. You’ll need their help in unde...

And recognize that different people take in information at different speeds and in different ways. For example, some people are visually oriented. For them, you may want to use visual metaphors and refer to pictures or, in a business setting, charts. Some people prefer to get their arms around the whole problem first, and can’t listen to anything else you say until they do. Others like all the details up front. Pay attention to these differences.

Ask Them to Paraphrase Back

Ask How They See It Differently — and Why

Explaining your story clearly is a first step toward being understood. But don’t expect instant success. Real understanding may take some back and forth.

If you ask explicitly for how they see it differently, you are more likely to discover their true reaction. Then you can begin to have a real conversation.

The secret of powerful expression is recognizing that you are the ultimate authority on you.

Speak for yourself and you can speak with power.

When the other person heads in a destructive direction, reframing puts the conversation back on course.

Listening is not only the skill that lets you into the other person’s world; it is also the single most powerful move you can make to keep the conversation constructive. And naming the dynamic is useful when you want to address a troubling aspect of the conversation.

Reframe, Reframe, Reframe

Reframing means taking the essence of what the other person says and “translating it” into concepts that are more helpful — specifically, concepts from the Three Conversations framework.

No matter how good you get at reframing, the single most important rule about managing the interaction is this: You can’t move the conversation in a more positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood. And they won’t feel heard and understood until you’ve listened.

You have to find a way to be persistent, while remembering that you are in a two-way conversation. Persistence in a difficult conversation means remaining as stubbornly interested in hearing the other person’s views as you are in asserting your own.

Difficult conversations require a certain amount of compromise and mutual accommodation to the other’s needs. If you find problem-solving difficult and anxiety producing, it may be because you are focused on persuading them.

As long as you are open to persuasion, and prepared, if absolutely necessary, to live with no agreement, you can do this as firmly as you would like: “I understand that you are determined to have your article reviewed this week, and I’m still not persuaded that I should spend my vacation doing it.”

For many people, realizing that they don’t have to agree brings a sense of great liberation, relief, and empowerment.