Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

by Douglas Stone

When Trevor shifts his purposes from trying to change Karen’s behavior – arguing why being late is wrong – to trying first to understand Karen, and then to be understood by her, the situation improves dramatically:

Finally, each has learned something, and the stage for meaningful change is set. To get anywhere in a disagreement, we need to understand the other person’s story well enough to see how their conclusions make sense within it. And we need to help them understand the story in which our conclusions make sense. Understanding each other’s stories from the inside won’t necessarily “solve” the problem, but as with Karen and Trevor, it’s an essential first step.

Different Stories: Why We Each See the World Differently As we move away from arguing and toward trying to understand the other person’s story, it helps to know why people have different stories in the first place. Our stories don’t come out of nowhere. They aren’t random. Our stories are built in often unconscious but systematic ways. First, we take in information. We experience the world – sights, sounds, and feelings. Second, we interpret what we see, hear, and feel; we give it all meaning. Then we draw conclusions about what’s happening. And at each step, there is an opportunity for different people’s stories to diverge.

Where Our Stories Come From Put simply, we all have different stories about the world because we each take in different information and then interpret this information in our own unique ways.

1. We Have Different Information

There are two reasons we all have different information about the world. First, as each of us proceeds through life – and through any difficult situation – the information available to us is overwhelming. We simply can’t take in all of the sights, sounds, facts, and feelings involved in even a single encounter. Inevitably, we end up noticing some things and ignoring others. And what we each choose to notice and ignore will be different. Second, we each have access to different information.

We Notice Differen...

Often we go through an entire conversation – or indeed an entire relationship – without ever realizing that each of us is paying attention to different things, that our views are based on different information.

We Each Know Ourselves Better Than Anyone Else Can.

In addition to choosing different information, we each have access to different information. For example, others have access to information about themselves that we don’t. They know the constraints they are under; we don’t. They know their hopes, dreams, and fears; we don’t. We act as if we’ve got access to all the important information there is to k...

Of course, in advance, we don’t know what we don’t know. But rather than assuming we already know everything we need to, we should assume that there is important information we don’t have access to.

2. We Have Different Interpretations

A second reason we tell different stories about the world is that, even when we have the same information, we interpret it differently – we give it different meaning.

Two especially important factors in how we interpret what we see are (1) our past experiences and (2) the implicit rules we’ve learned about how things should and should not be done.

We Are Influenced by Past Experiences.

The past gives meaning to the present. Often, it is only in the context of someone’s past experience that we can understand why what they are ...

Every strong view you have is profoundly influenced by your past experiences. Where to vacation, whether to spank your kids, how much to budget for advertising – all are influenced by what you’ve observed in your own family and learned throughout your life. Often we aren’t even aware of how these experiences affect our interpretation of the world. We simply believe that this is the way things are.

We Apply Different Implicit Rules.

Our past experiences often develop into “rules” by which we live our lives. Whether we are aware of them or not, we all follow such rules. They tell us how the world works, how people should act, or how things are supposed to be. And they have a significant influence on the story we tell about what is happening ...

Our implicit rules often take the form of things people “should” or “shouldn’t” do:

There’s nothing wrong with having these rules. In fact, we need them to order our lives. But when you find yourself in conflict, it helps to make your rules explicit and to encourage the other person to do the same. This greatly reduces the chance that you will be caught in an accidental duel of conflicting rules.

3. Our Conclusions Reflect Self-Interest

when we think about why we each tell our own stories about the world, there is no getting around the fact that our conclusions are partisan, that they often reflect our self-interest. We look for information to support our view and give that information the most favorabl...

self-serving perception

This tendency to develop unconsciously biased perceptions is very human, and can be dangerous. It calls for a dose of humility about the “rightness” of our story, especially when we have something important at stake.

Move from Certainty to Curiosity

There’s only one way to come to understand the other person’s story, and t...

Certainty locks us out of their story; curiosity lets us in.

Curiosity: The Way into Their Story

What’s Your Story?

One way to shift your stance from the easy certainty of feeling that you’ve thought about this from every possible angle is to get curious about what you don’t know about yourself.

After all, you’re with yourself all the time; wouldn’t you be pretty familiar with your own perspective? In a word, no. The process by which we construct our stories about the world often happens so fast, and so automatically,...

The point isn’t whose rule is better; the point is that they are different.

Embrace Both Stories: Adopt the “And Stance”

It can be awfully hard to stay curious about another person’s story when you have your own story to tell, especially if you’re thinking that only one story can really be right. After all, your story is so different from theirs, and makes so much sense to you. Part of the stress of staying curious can be relieved by adopting what we call the “And Stance.” We usually assume that we must either accept or reject the other person’s story, and that if we accept theirs, we must abandon our own.

The answer is that the question makes no sense. Don’t choose between the stories; embrace both. That’s the And Stance. The suggestion to embrace both stories can sound like double-talk. It can be heard as “Pretend both of your stories are right.” But in fact, it suggests something quite different. Don’t pretend anything. Don’t worry about accepting or rejecting the other person’s story. First work to understand it. The mere act of understanding someone else’s story doesn’t require you to give up your own. The And Stance allows you to recognize that how you each see things matters, that how you each feel matters. Regardless of what you end up doing, regardless of whether your story influences theirs or theirs yours, both stories matter. The And Stance is based on the assumption that the world is complex, that you can feel hurt, angry, and wronged, and they can feel just as hurt, angry, and wronged. They can be doing their best, and you can think that it’s not good enough.

You can feel furious with them, and you can also feel love and appreciation for them. The And Stance gives you a place from which to assert the full strength of your views and feelings without having to diminish the views and feelings of someone else. Likewise, you don’t need to give up anything to hear how someone else feels or sees things differently. Because you may have different information or different interpretations, both stories can make sense at the same time. It may be that as you share them, your stories change in response to new information or different perspectives. But they still may not end up the same, and that’s all right. Sometimes people have honest disagreements, but even so, the most useful question is not “Who’s right?” but “Now that we really understand each other, what’s a good way to manage this problem?”

Two Exceptions That Aren’t

I Really Am Right

For example, what about the conversation you have with your daughter about her smoking? You know you are right that smoking is bad for her, that the sooner she stops the better. Fair enough. About each of those things, you are right. But here’s the rub: that’s not what the conversation is really about. It’s about how you each feel about your daughter’s smoking, what she should do about it, and what role you should play. It’s about the terrible fear and sadness you feel as you imagine her becoming sick, and your rage at feeling powerless to make her stop. It’s about her need to feel independent, to break out of the “good girl” mold that feels so suffocating. It’s about her own ambivalence doing something that makes her feel good and at the same time truly frightens her. The conversation is about many issues between the two of you that are complex and important to explore. It is not about the truth of whether smoking is bad for one’s health. Both of you already agree on that.

Giving Bad News

understanding the other person’s story doesn’t mean you have to agree with it, nor does it require you to give up your own. And the fact that you are willing to try to understand their view doesn’t diminish the power you have to implement your decision, and to be clear that your decision is final. In fact, the And Stance is probably the most powerful place to stand when engaging in a difficult conversation that requires you to deliver or enforce bad news.

To Move Forward, First Understand Where You Are

Wherever you want to go, understanding – imagining yourself into the other person’s story – has got to be your first step. Before you can figure out how to move forward, you need to understand where you are.

Two Key Mistakes

Her mistake is to assume she knows what Leo’s intentions are, when in fact she doesn’t. It’s an easy – and debilitating – mistake to make. And we do it all the time. Leo’s mistake is to assume that once he clarifies that his intentions were good, Lori is no longer justified in being upset. He explains that he “wasn’t trying to hurt” Lori, that in fact he was trying to help. And having explained this, he thinks that should be the end of it. As a result, he doesn’t take the time to learn what Lori is really feeling or why. This mistake, too, is as common as it is crippling.

The First Mistake: Our Assumptions About Intentions Are Often Wrong

We Assume Intentions from the Impact on Us Much of the first mistake can be traced to one basic error: we make an attribution about another person’s intentions based on the impact of their actions on us. We feel hurt; therefore they intended to hurt us. We feel slighted; therefore they intended to slight us. Our thinking is so automatic that we aren’t even aware that our conclusion is only an assumption.

We Assume the Worst.

We attribute intentions to others all the time. With business and even personal relationships increasingly conducted via e-mail, voice mail, faxes, and conference calls, we often have to read between the lines to figure out what people really mean.