Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most

by Douglas Stone

The blame frame creates a difficult burden. You have to feel confident that others are at fault, and that you aren’t, to feel justified in raising an issue.

As one-sided as an affair may seem, it often involves some contribution from both partners. Unless these contributions are sorted out, the problems and patterns in the marriage that gave rise to the affair will continue to cause difficulty. Some questions need to be asked: Does the husband listen to his wife? Does he stay at work late? Was his wife feeling sad, lonely, undesirable? If so, why?

You may learn that what you really seek is understanding and acknowledgment. What you want the other person to say isn’t “It was my fault,” but rather “I understand that I hurt you and I’m sorry.”

Eng-An’s home was quite different. Her brother is mentally handicapped, and life revolved around his schedule and needs. While Eng-An loved her brother very much, she sometimes needed a respite from the constant emotional turmoil of worry, crises, and caretaking that surrounded him. She learned not to react too quickly to a potential problem and worked hard to create the distance she needed in an emotionally intense family.

We see how combining the two worldviews produces a system of interaction in which Toby talks and Eng-An withdraws.

As “shifters” we tend to see ourselves as innocent victims – when something goes wrong, it’s always because of what someone else did.

An “absorber” tends to feel responsible for everything.

When it comes to acknowledging difficult emotions, we often adopt the strategy of the young batter. If we deny that the emotions are there, then maybe we can avoid the consequences of feeling them.

To Max, the planning of the event represents a final opportunity for his daughter to be just his daughter, and not also someone’s wife.

We Try to Frame Feelings Out of the Problem Max originally described his problem to us by saying, “My daughter and I are having trouble deciding how much we should spend on her wedding.

Framing feelings out of the problem is one way we cope with the dilemma of whether to raise something or avoid it.

I’ve always supported your career! This is a question of when you should be promoted, not if.

Of course, there are many possible explanations for anger or tears, some of which have deep psychological roots.

We don’t cry or lose our temper because we express our feelings too often, but because we express them too rarely.

Unexpressed feelings can block the ability to listen.

Unexpressed Feelings Take a Toll on Our Self-Esteem and Relationships

Some of us find it easy to express disappointment, but difficult to express affection, pride, or gratitude.

For some of us, merely having feelings, any feelings, is enough to cause us shame.

Some of us can’t see our own feelings because we have learned somewhere along the way that other people’s feelings are more important than ours.

Does this make sense? Is your father’s frustration or your brother’s peace of mind more important than yours?

Why is it that they express their feelings and preferences, but you cope with yours privately?

There are several reasons why you may choose to honor others’ feelings even when it means dishonoring your own.

The anger, though she kept it hidden even from herself, was getting in the way. Jamila put it well: “If I could just share some of that, it would be easy to balance it with the love I feel.” Let’s

And attributions, judgments, and accusations aren’t feelings.

I told her that at times she can be self-absorbed and thoughtless.

Finally, we should consider the contribution system. Are we able to see our own contribution to the problem?

Don’t Vent: Describe Feelings Carefully

Premature evaluation of whether feelings are legitimate will undermine their expression and, ultimately, the relationship.

If you and your significant other are grocery shopping, it is unlikely that only one of you will be putting food into the grocery cart. Instead, you’ll both be tossing in your favorite items. The same is true when discussing feelings. You can feel angry at your boss for the way she treated you when you arrived at work late, and she can feel annoyed with you for not getting the memo done on time.

Difficult Conversations Threaten Our Identity

There are probably as many identities as there are people. But three identity issues seem particularly common, and often underlie what concerns us most during difficult conversations: Am I competent? Am I a good person? Am I worthy of love?

The primary peril of all-or-nothing thinking is that it leaves our identity extremely unstable,

What triggers an identity quake for you may not trigger one in someone else.

Growing up, Jimmy developed a reputation for being emotionally distant. This posture helped protect him from all the emotional shrapnel he was exposed to in his home life. Everyone else might be quick to fly off the handle, but not Jimmy. He’d be rational to a fault.

No one is always anything. We each exhibit a constellation of qualities, positive and negative, and constantly grapple with how to respond to the complicated situations life presents. And we don’t always respond as competently or compassionately as we’d like.

No doubt, there are some aspects of who you are that you will struggle with for a lifetime. When you look inside, you won’t always like what you see, and you’ll find that accepting those parts of yourself takes serious work.

But as you move away from an all-or-nothing identity and toward a more complex view of who you are, you’ll notice that it is easier to accept certain parts of yourself that have given you trouble in the past.

After observing O Sensei, the founder of Aikido, sparring with an accomplished fighter, a young student said to the master, “You never lose your balance. What is your secret?” “You are wrong,” O Sensei replied. “I am constantly losing my balance. My skill lies in my ability to regain it.”

Four things you can do before and during a difficult conversation to help yourself maintain and regain your balance include: letting go of trying to control their reaction, preparing for their response, imagining the future to gain perspective, and if you lose your balance, taking a break.

Sometimes what’s difficult about the situation has a whole lot more to do with what’s going on inside you than what’s going on between you and the other person.

The problem is, we can’t make these things happen. We can’t change someone else’s mind or force them to change their behavior.

“You are insensitive/unreliable/unacceptable” will jeopardize the relationship. You will probably hurt the other person’s feelings, provoke a defensive reaction, or get yourself fired. This

Sometimes you consider your purposes and some possible strategies, and decide not to have the conversation.

It’s Not My Responsibility to Make Things Better; It’s My Responsibility to Do My Best.

No matter how clearly you share how much their drinking hurts you, their forgetfulness aggravates you, or their unresponsiveness saddens you, they may not have the capacity to be different,

This Conflict Is Not Who I Am. An important barrier to letting go occurs when we integrate the conflict into our sense of who we are.

We define ourselves in relation to our conflict with others.

Letting Go Doesn’t Mean I No Longer Care.

Often we are unable to let go because we fear that if we do, it will mean we no longer care.