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June 23 - June 24, 2019
This issue is obviously important to Harpreet. And for that reason, it makes sense that he should be persistent in raising it with Monisha. Many people think that being persistent means asserting your view – in other words, that Harpreet should just repeat himself. But that doesn’t work. You have to find a way to be persistent, while remembering that you are in a two-way conversation. Persistence in a difficult conversation means remaining as stubbornly interested in hearing the other person’s views as you are in asserting your own.
Ask What (If Anything) Would Persuade Them. “I have offered a number of what seem to me good reasons why it doesn’t make sense for me to cancel my plans and work this weekend. Yet you remain adamant that I stay. Is there a reason I haven’t heard? If not, I’m wondering if there is anything I could say that would persuade you otherwise and, if so, what it would be?”
A good resolution will usually require each party to accommodate somewhat to the other’s differences, or perhaps to reciprocate – going one way on some issues and the other way on others. This is the principle of mutual caretaking.
even after highly skilled communication, you and the other person will simply fail to come up with an option that works for both of you. Then you’re faced with a decision: Should you accept less than what you want, or should you accept the consequences of not agreeing?
The best way to handle confusion around impact and intent isn’t to defend yourself. First, you have to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, and only then should you try to clarify what your intentions were.
A Difficult Conversations Checklist Step 1: Prepare by Walking Through the Three Conversations 1. Sort out What Happened. • Where does your story come from (information, past experiences, rules)? Theirs? • What impact has this situation had on you? What might their intentions have been? • What have you each contributed to the problem? 2. Understand Emotions. • Explore your emotional footprint, and the bundle of emotions you experience. 3. Ground Your Identity. • What’s at stake for you about you? What do you need to accept to be better grounded? Step 2: Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether
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To make conversations productive, especially in a context of strong emotion, high stakes, and complex perceptions, a critical first step is to distinguish clearly between facts on the one hand, and opinions, assumptions, values, interests, predictions, and judgments on the other.
sometimes bringing some big energy from a different direction can help. Here’s an example of what Addy might say: “Well, my mother sure can be a pain in the butt! Goodness knows, she’s not perfect! Maybe everyone in our family is a pain in the butt. But one thing I know is that my mother loves you, and you love her, and I know that means a lot to both of you.”
Even a genuinely challenging personality may become more challenging when you are provocative. As the saying goes, just because he’s paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not out to get him. You should always consider how you may be – wittingly or unwittingly – helping to create or sustain a difficult dynamic. And because seeing your own contribution can be difficult, you may need to enlist the eyes and insights of neutral observers with no stake in the outcome.
We don’t encourage you to take risks for the thrill of it or even because it’s “the right thing to do.” This is not a book about the righteousness of speaking up and getting fired. It’s a matter of cost and benefit. There are rare occasions when speaking out really is worth getting fired for, but in most cases it’s not.
control and influence. Control is the unilateral ability to make something happen. Influence is the ability to affect someone else’s thinking.
In contrast, you can’t fire or transfer your boss. And in fact, explicitly acknowledging that they are the decision maker can actually make them more receptive to listening to your input. So you might say to your boss, “I know there are lots of factors you have to take into consideration, and at the end of the day, I’m onboard with whatever you decide. I just want to make sure that as you think about it, you are aware that. . . .”
It is equally true that whether you are making a decision, implementing it, or problem solving, you can’t always, or even usually, succeed merely by “telling.” Indeed, it is useful in decision making to distinguish those times when you are: • commanding (I decide, I tell you my decision) from those situations where you are: • consulting (I ask for your input, then I decide and tell you); • collaborating or negotiating (we decide together); or • delegating (you decide).9
But let’s acknowledge the frustration. We’ve all felt it: “I’m in charge. I should be able to tell you what to do, and you should do it.” Do this assignment, well and on time. Be home by midnight, sober. Get your team aligned with my vision, heart and soul.
Instead of asking this absurd set of leading questions, the boss needs to assert: “Let’s talk about the Vancouver Project. It was three days late. Let’s figure out why, assess the impact, and decide how to avoid this going forward.”
This is a good way to lead into the difficult convo, State the fact (3 days late), inquiry (let’s figure out why_
Ultimately it is the combination of assertiveness and inquiry that helps us pool our insights, learn things we didn’t know, and lay the foundation for creative and effective problem solving.
Hit pause. If an e-mail elicits a strong negative emotion, stop. Do nothing. Unless there’s an urgent reason why you need to respond instantly – and “because I’m really mad right now” doesn’t count – then wait. An hour at least or, ideally, overnight.
Let them know if there will be a delay – don’t leave them hanging. One of the most common communication disconnects that occurs with e-mail is the result of delays in responding. One party sends a question. The person receiving it thinks, “Good question. I’m not sure of the answer. I’ll have to think about it or ask So-and-so.” So they wait to respond until they have a substantive response, which often ends up taking longer than they at first expected. In the meantime the person waiting for the answer is left to interpret the silence, wondering, “Why aren’t they answering me?” and answering
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Antonio might seek out negative feedback from colleagues, with the mindset of being “someone who is great at learning from feedback.” He knows that that’s not an accurate description of himself, but as an experiment he can act as if it were true. And if he listens and works at it, it will be true, at least this once – at which point he’ll have some positive experience to build on, manufactured but real.
Antonio asked two of his peers to help: “I’m working on taking feedback. I don’t find it easy or natural, but you can help me by pointing out when I get defensive. I’m giving you explicit permission to coach me on this, to be direct.
You’ve tried your best. It hasn’t helped. You’re allowed to give up. As we’ve said, you can’t change other people. When you finally give up the idea that you have the power to change others, you are giving up something you never had anyway – control. If someone is unwilling to examine their own contribution to a problem or take responsibility for the impacts of their actions, you can’t force them to.
