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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Steve Peters
Summary key points • Getting the best out of people depends on how you approach them and what you understand of them. • Having preconceived ideas about people or expectations of them may prejudice how you relate to them. • The best relationships are the ones where you accept the person as they are and work with this. • Walk away from people whose behaviours or beliefs you cannot accept. • Invest a lot in those whom you care about. • The one in five rule means that you need to accept that some people you will never please and they will never like you and it may have nothing to do with you.
Without its troop a solitary chimpanzee is unlikely to survive.
The need to belong to a group is so powerful that we will often compromise our lives and lifestyle in order to remain as part of the group.
The inner Chimps therefore groom each other and make friends, especially with high-ranking Chimps, in order to be safe. They make friends by appearing strong, so impressing others is very important. To be excluded from the troop would mean almost certain death to the inner Chimp.
There are only a few Chimps in your troop (a few people who are truly with you).
This balance can be struck by allowing your Human to make a rule to be personable and approachable to everybody. However, accept the Chimp’s rule that not everyone is in your troop, do not become personal with everybody and thereby protect yourself from emotional harm.
However, if the Chimp fails to recognise who is in the troop, and tries to please and gain approval from everyone, then the troop drive is out of control.
Human within us would like to be surrounded by people of like mind, who can offer friendship and companionship.
Predictable Humans usually mean that they have good management of their Chimps and we don’t see their Chimp get out very often.
It is your choice on the size of your troop – there are no rules.
Another flaw that often occurs when the Chimp chooses the troop is when a person uses flattery on us.
You may know from experience of a time when you have included the wrong friend in a close circle, who has ended up attacking you; this is why we need to get our troop right.
Imposing the wrong role with expectations on to the wrong person rarely works!
The mother and wife have totally different relationships with the man; both are unique and both fulfil a mutually exclusive role. This mixing of boundaries creates competition between roles that does not need to exist. If you can understand the role others take, and the role that you take for them, then there is a much greater probability of relationships, family-units, work-colleagues etc. working harmoniously without emotional responses and clashes.
Establish your troop
Clarify the roles of the members of your troop
Invest in the troop
The key to communicating well is to prepare yourself.
If you don’t get the centre of the Square right then you are probably wasting your time and doing yourself no favours.
Say to the person what you don’t want, using the word ‘I’. 2. Say to them how it is making you feel. 3. Say to them what you do want, using the word ‘I’.
It is very important to use ‘I’ and not to say something like, ‘Please don’t shout at me.’
It is not what is being said, it is the way that it is being said.
Very often the troop drive of needing to be accepted has turned into a Gremlin of belief and behaviour. ‘I must be liked’, ‘I must always please others’ and therefore ‘I have no rights’. This is a lack of self-esteem and is worth addressing.
The right time • The right place • The right agenda • The right way
It will also want to come out looking good and being innocent. If it isn’t innocent then it will want to justify why it was provoked or put into an impossible situation and thereby justify anything it did say or do.
Frank and Peter and the four agendas
Common Chimp agendas A Chimp will want to: • Win • Express emotion • Attack the other person • Defend itself • Get its point across • Not give way or change stance • Come out looking good and being innocent • If guilty, use excuses of being provoked and being a victim
The Chimp will focus on the problem and how it feels and not on the solution.
In a confrontational situation, a Chimp will: • Shout and be emotional • Interrupt inappropriately • Use emotive words • Dominate with speed and volume • Dominate and intimidate with body language • Focus on the problem • Work on feelings • Be devious if necessary
Conversely, the Human’s agenda is not to ‘win or lose’ but to reach a sensible outcome where both people are happy and satisfied.
Common Human agendas A Human will try to: • Understand the other person first • Allow the other person expression • Gather all the information by listening • Look for a solution • Use facts not feelings or impressions
In a confrontational situation, the Human will try to: • Remain calm • Use ‘gentle’ non-emotional words • Listen first • See a different point of view • Be open to changing stance • Recognise opinions are not facts • Reason and discuss • Find common ground • Use reasoning to try and reach a joint decision • Compromise to try and satisfy everybody • Accept differences
The Human will then represent the Chimp’s reasonable points and will do this in a constructive manner to get a good outcome.
Before you begin, you must get into the right frame of mind by making sure the right way is the Human way of conducting the conversation.
Preparing yourself is the best thing that you can do to enhance your chances of success in an important conversation.
Body language • Intonation • Use of words • Ambience
Crossing our arms generally means that we feel attacked and are being defensive.
When we meet someone we like, our pupils dilate and others recognise this in us and feel more at ease with us.
According to some researchers, body language can account for over half of the message that is being conveyed and we read this naturally so you don’t have to learn anything! The
Around one-third of our communication focuses on voice intonation and this can be broken down into three parts: speed, volume and emphasis.
It is also true that we mimic what we hear and see.
Speaking steadily will help us to get messages across in the way that we intend and help the other person to listen.
The Chimp will also mimic the volume and tone set by another person.
Therefore the best way to get a Chimp in someone else to remain calm and for the Human to hear is to speak slowly and with a normal or quiet volume.
Emphasis is very interesting. Changing the emphasised word in a sentence can completely change its meaning.
Make no mistake, an attack by words from one person to another is exactly the same as an attack from one chimpanzee to another, using teeth and fists, and the damage can be equally as savage.
All of the words that we use have an emotional content attached to them.
The word ‘should’ is typically associated with such feelings as failure, blame, guilt, threat and inadequacy.
Instead it is associated with feelings of opportunity, choice, possibility and hope.
Very few Chimps like being told what to do.
