The Chimp Paradox: The Acclaimed Mind Management Programme to Help You Achieve Success, Confidence and Happiness

by Steve Peters

So rather than trying to change the Chimp you need to manage its emotions and impulses by recognising what it needs and how it works. This means you may always experience thoughts and feelings from the Chimp that you don’t welcome. Your Chimp will mature and it will learn some basic behaviours but its drives remain the same. Nurturing before managing There are two aspects to working with the Chimp: nurturing the Chimp and managing the Chimp, and they have to be addressed in that order.

This is a really important point so please think carefully about it. If you have a Chimp that is well looked after by being nurtured and having all its needs met, then it is very likely that this happy little animal will not cause you any trouble. This makes managing it very easy. If you do not look after your Chimp then it is very likely that it will kick off at any time and cause you a lot of pain. Nurturing and managing the Chimp is an emotional skill, and will take time and commitment to develop and maintain it. Nurturing the Chimp If you meet the needs of the Chimp first then the Chimp is in a position where you can talk to it and it will listen.

The territorial drive doesn’t have to be just at home or physical. It can be at work too, and psychological. Chimps get frustrated if they feel that others are encroaching on their area of responsibility, such as a job role.

This is the method for fulfilling many of the Chimp drives. First: recognise that the drive is present and then find a solution that will make the Chimp feel fulfilled and happy in a way that is acceptable in the world in which you live. So if you recognise that your Chimp has territorial drives then you need to nurture the Chimp by providing it with some territory and space.

It is the Human who carries the actions out and not the Chimp!

Parental drives Parental drives are a mixture of drives and instincts. We could look at it as the desire and need to be a parent and the instinct to protect the offspring. How do people deal with these parental drives if they are not fulfilled? Sublimating the drive can fulfil

it. Sublimating means constructively redirecting the energy and drive somewhere else. Some people will sublimate this drive by taking on professions that care for others, especially youngsters. Others may sublimate with pets; the dog is easily recognised as a classic substitute for a child. However, for some, the dog may represent another sublimated drive and is a status symbol; for others it may represent a companion. What is important for you is to recognise your own Chimp drives and to make sure that they are fulfilled in the way that you want them to be and to ensure that the sublimation is appropriate without you crossing boundaries. Praise and recognition in nurturing the Chimp

Chimps are like children in that they look for external praise, whereas Humans are like adults and use internal praise and assess themselves. Of course, Humans can enjoy recognition and praise but they don’t generally look for it. Chimps like to have praise and recognition from the alpha Chimp (i.e., people they see as important). The Chimp isn’t wrong in wanting this, so although you as a Human do not need praise and recognition from others, your Chimp probably does, so do not let it down. In order to look after your Chimp you really should seek out praise from those whose opinion you respect or think is important. This will settle down your Chimp. The consequences of not politely asking for recognition and praise (where it is worth it, of course!) is that your Chimp will kick off and feel resentful and undervalued. This will typically lead to some negative emotional interactions. Nurture the Chimp and get the recognition that it needs by asking for constructive feedback from someone whose opinion you believe is important.

Managing your Chimp Exercising the Chimp If your Chimp is agitated or upset about something, the first thing it has to do is to release this emotion or opinion. This is called ‘Exercising the Chimp’. You must allow it to do this if it is to listen. Allowing the Chimp to express emotion will calm it down and then the Chimp will be able to listen to reason or just go to sleep.

Most Chimps will take less than ten minutes to express fears or emotions and then will go silent and listen.

Letting your emotions be expressed inappropriately, in a public place, at the wrong time or in front of the wrong person is like letting your Chimp loose in a supermarket. Exercising your Chimp in a fenced compound is the equivalent of expressing your emotions in private with the right person. By the right person, I mean someone who recognises that this is just a Chimp letting go and not you. Therefore, you can say what you like and they will not react to whatever you

say, get worried or repeat things. They recognise that it is just your Chimp, not you. The wrong person is someone who will interact with what your Chimp is saying, and that could make matters worse. When the Chimp has finished exercising you will feel better and can then allow your Chimp to go to sleep while you have a conversation that is Human and calm. If someone interrupts the Chimp while it is exercising, it is not likely to listen but will just get more agitated. So if you are listening to someone else’s Chimp then wait until it has finished exercising!

Expressing emotion doesn’t have to be shouting and screeching. It can be done effectively in a very calm way. The crucial point is to get things off your chest, and then be

able to think them through and act on the legitimate points. Remember that the Chimp may have some very good points that it is unhappy with and these need to be taken forward by the Human. Boxing the Chimp Once the Chimp has finished exercising you then have a chance to deal with it in a more measured way. If we assume the Chimp has exercised enough and is now in a place to receive information, we can address its fears and concerns by speaking to it. Using facts, truth and logic we can continue to calm the Chimp down and reason with it. This reasoning by the Human is called ‘Boxing the Chimp’.

John needs to find answers that will satisfy his Chimp and none of these answers might be powerful enough. What is definite is that to move on and box the Chimp he must find answers. Otherwise he will act on his Chimp feelings and find he gets nowhere and cause himself even further distress. Sometimes you can’t win. The importance here is to recognise this fact and to accept it. Then you can remind the Chimp about this. Remember that the Chimp is making an OFFER. You the Human have the CHOICE.

Boxing the

Chimp is therefore telling it truths that it will accept in order to calm it down.

Andy boxes his Chimp Now Andy can box the Chimp by talking to it using truth and logic. He might say the following to the Chimp: ‘If you really don’t want to go then we won’t go, we can just stay with a hole in the tooth and deal with the inevitable problems from this. If we do go it may be painful to a certain extent. I agree with you.’ (Sometimes it is right to agree with the Chimp if it is telling you the truth. There is no point in having ‘positive thinking’ if this is really just ignoring the truth. Let’s stick to reality thinking, which is more like it!) ‘If we go and get the tooth fixed then it will all be over in about 30 minutes and the benefits will be great. After it is over we will be happy again. The treatment and discomfort won’t last forever. Let’s get some perspective on this, we are having a tooth filled, it is not the end of the world. I actually want this done.’

Everyone needs to find the truths that are meaningful and powerful to their Chimp.

the important point for you is to find the truths that will settle your Chimp down and make it go into its box and sleep.

If you do this well you will find that you are training your Chimp to understand there are rules for it to live by and that you, the Human, are making those rules. The Chimp will eventually start responding on a regular basis. At first it may refuse to cooperate and it may take several repeat episodes of exercising the Chimp for any one problem before you can box it. You may also need to keep putting the Chimp back into its box several times for any one problem but with practice and skill the Chimp will respond and finally the Human can manage the situation.

We never control the Chimp; we manage it. There is a difference. Remember that the Chimp is five times stronger than you; so do not use willpower to try to control it. It will defeat you in the long run. Instead manage the Chimp by exercising and boxing it. Key Point It may take several repeat episodes of exercising the Chimp for any one problem before you can box it. You may also need to keep putting the Chimp back into its box several times for any one problem.

Do I always need to exercise my Chimp? Sometimes the Chimp does not need to be exercised and will go straight into the box with truth and logic. So don’t provoke the Chimp unnecessarily by making it exercise. Also, recall that the Chimp is irrational, which means that it may be unpredictable and sometimes get very anxious for no particular reason, while at other times it may be very calm, again for no particular reason. Don’t try to understand why this is so as the Chimp is not rational and in many cases is not understandable. Just deal with emotion rather than always trying to understand it. Dealing with emotional thinking by the Chimp

The Chimp uses emotional thinking, which has traits such as jumping to conclusions, thinking in black and white and coming up with paranoid ideas. It is important to have a way of recognising when you are allowing the Chimp to think for you and then have a means to deal with it. The easiest way of recognising that the Chimp is thinking for you is when either you are becoming emotional or you are calm but have uneasy feelings. Remember that the Chimp offers you its feelings and then you have to decide what to do with them. If you can recognise that the Chimp is using emotional thinking then you can address it with some spec...

It might be that you are in a difficult relationship and it is upsetting you greatly not knowing whether to continue in the relationship or not. This is never a good place to be and can devastate you emotionally. Th...

it has to make a choice and the choices are clear: either I leave this person and it is all over, or I stay with them and try to make things work better. This dilemma and inability to decide is being offered to the Human, who needs to recognise that this is black-and-white thinking. The Human can now look for middle ground. Ask yourself if there is any alternative. One possibility is not to see the situation as needing a definite answer right now. This would mean you could, for example, have time out where both of you have time away from each other while you gather your thoughts so that you can see the picture more clearly. Time out is a compro...

Bananas A third way to manage the Chimp is to feed it bananas. These are things the Chimp wants that are given either as a distraction or a reward. So there are

two types of banana: distractions and rewards. Feeding the Chimp bananas is not a very powerful way to solve problems but in some circumstances they can be a very effective way to manage the Chimp. The banana of distraction Here is an example of a distraction banana. Imagine you are finding it hard to get out of bed in the morning. The moment you wake up, your Chimp immediately starts the dialogue: ‘I can’t get up, it’s warm in here, I’m still tired, my body is heavy, just five more minutes…’ The problem in this circumstance is that you are allowing your Chimp to think and this is not helping. In order to distract it you can override it by saying: ‘We don’t think before we are on our feet.’ So when the alarm goes off, immediately say firmly to the Chimp:

‘We don’t think, we just get up on the count of five… five, four, three, two, one and feet on the floor.’ If you prepare yourself the night before and go straight into this programme with a rapid countdown, you will be on your feet before the Chimp has the chance to discuss things with you. For this to work you must prevent t...

This banana (which is a rapid pattern of actions that prevents thinking) keeps the Chimp from thinking but it must be activated quickly.

The distraction banana can also be a way of occupying an agitated or impatient Chimp when you have to pass time waiting for something. Simple distractions such as reading a book or listening to music are often the most powerful. The banana of reward Giving rewards to your own Chimp can be surprisingly powerful. For example, suppose you have to write ten emails but can’t get started and want to have your coffee. If you say to your Chimp: ‘When you have written five emails you can have your coffee,’ it is not unusual for your Chimp to suddenly give you the incentive to start the emails. This ‘banana’ of having a cup of coffee at the end of the five emails will make the Chimp energised to get you to write

Common bananas for most Chimps come in the form of praise or approval from other people. Most Chimps look for recognition and approval from others; therefore to put this in place, as a reward, can be very powerful.

Developing the Human In the battle and struggle for power between the Human and the Chimp on the Divided Planet you mustn’t forget yourself. You are a separate entity to your Chimp. You as a Human have needs just as the Chimp within you has needs.

Key Point Chimps like to survive; Humans like to have a purpose.

When we have a sense of purpose in life it brings with it a sense of meaning and this in turn leads to achievement, satisfaction and well-being. We will look at success and happiness in great detail later in the book but here the message is that in order to look after your machine well, you must consider the needs of both the Chimp and the Human. All too often we stop at the Chimp because it takes up our time and shouts the loudest. Summary key points • ‘Do I want…?’ is the question to ask in order to recognise if your Chimp is hijacking you. If the answer is ‘no’ then you are being hijacked. • You are always responsible for your Chimp. • The Chimp is five times stronger than you are. • Nurture your Chimp before you try to manage it.

• Manage your Chimp, don’t try to control it. • There are three common ways to manage your Chimp...

Suggested exercise: The ‘NEAT’ exercise • Normal • Expected • Accepted • Taken care of Learn to be NEAT in life It is Normal to have Chimp outbursts and activity that you will not manage well. Therefore, you should Expect this to happen from time to time. Accept that you are not perfect and this animal is very powerful. Take care of the outburst or

activity by appropriate means, such as apologies if you have affected others, or by forgiving yourself if you feel you have let yourself down. Being NEAT means being reasonable with yourself. Whenever you experience any form of Chimp activity that you do not manage well, stop and think NEAT. Accept that this is the way the machine works and then take care of the situation without getting down.

Guilt, shame, frustration and other negative emotions are there to help us make repairs not to destroy us. Nobody gets it right all of the time and many of us get it wrong quite a lot of the time. Work on implementing NEAT thinking as a way of dealing with poor Chimp Management. If you have negative emotions, turn these round and use them to move forwar...

Chapter 4 The Guiding Moon (PART 1) How to understand the Computer in your mind THE GUIDING MOON is your brain’s computer. In the Universe, the moons all act as stabilisers to the planets that they are orbiting; the Guiding Moon therefore stabilises the Divided Planet. This means that if we can get the Computer in your mind to work well, it will give your mind stability and make managing your Chimp much easier.

The Computer: some basic facts What is the function of the Computer? Your Computer has two functions: • It can think and act automatically for you using programmed thoughts and behaviours. • It is a reference source for information, beliefs and values. How does information get into the Computer? When you are born, effectively the Computer is an empty hard drive. It is merely a store for behaviours and beliefs that the Human or Chimp will input into it. It doesn’t have any original thinking or power of interpretation but will act on stored information. Often the Human or Chimp may not even be aware that they

have put these conscious or unconscious thoughts or behaviours into the Computer. How successful it is in functioning depends on how helpful and truthful the inputs were. Potentially the Computer is more powerful than the Chimp and the Human because it is the reference source that both of them look to for help and guidance. Therefore, it is advisable to get to know how it works and how to maintain it, so the guidance it gives leads to success and happiness. Are the Comput...

The t...

female Computer can work with language at a higher level than the typical male Computer. Female brains have many more areas than male brains, called association centres, for working with language. In contrast, the male brain has an area for dealing with mathematics and map-reading that is around four times the size than in the female brain (whether it works better is another matter!). It does mean that it is likely, since the two brains typically do show phy...

There are of course always exceptions to the rule with both sexes, and research continues to throw more light onto this as we go forward. So, anatomically and physiologically, there are differences between the male and female Computers. There are also different

responses to some neurotransmitters (chemicals that send messages) in different parts of the brain. How fast is the Computer? We can think of the Computer as running at a speed around four times that of the Chimp and twenty times that of the Human. Therefore, if the Computer is operating well, it can execute commands at an amazing speed with complete accuracy and before the Chimp or Human has a chance to finish thinking.

What is in the Computer? • The Autopilot is a constructive or helpful belief or behaviour. • The Gremlin is an unhelpful or destructive belief or behaviour that is removable. • The Goblin is an unhelpful or destructive belief or behaviour that is firmly fixed and extremely difficult to remove. • The Stone of Life contains the values and beliefs by which you live your life. The Computer’s functions in detail Automatic functioning Automatic functioning, which is exactly what it sounds like, is based on learnt behaviours, learnt beliefs and automatic programmes.

The Chimp and the Human both input into the Computer and therefore programme it. Once the Computer has programmes to run with, it will take over and allow the Chimp and Human to take a break from thinking and interpreting.

These stored beliefs and behaviours are therefore learnt by the Human and Chimp and put into the Computer. This is

in contrast to the Chimp’s instincts that are inherited in the genes giving rise to instant reactions from the Chimp. The Computer does most of the work in taking us through our day. How well it gets us through the day will depend on what has been put into it. We can of course add and remove things from the Computer, if we stop and take time to maintain it. The problem is that most of us do not do this. Autopilots Autopilots are all the positive, constructive beliefs, behaviours and automatic functioning that help us to be successful and happy in life. They can be placed into the computer at any age. So Autopilots could include, for example: riding a bike; staying calm when something goes wrong; focusing on solutions rather than problems; tying a shoelace; being organised and disciplined