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May 9 - June 21, 2019
infants at about six months discover their pitching arm and attempt to train their mothers to fetch as the baby bottle first falls off the high-chair tray and is then thrown by the baby. Each mom plays fetch in her own unique manner. Some moms are one-bottle retrievers; most are three-to-four-bottle retrievers. Some are more enjoyable and will retrieve over and over, at least twice or three times every meal. From a baby’s point of view, the most fun are the sighing or noisy retrievers: “Will you please quit throwing your milk bottle off the tray?” Some retrievers are quiet but lovingly say, in
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Limits are crucial to Love and Logic parenting. Our kids need the security in which they can begin making those all-important decisions. They have to know the boundaries.
Kids seem most secure around parents who are strong, who don’t allow the limits they place on their kids to crumble. Children lose respect for adults who cannot set limits and make them stick. Kids who misbehave without having to face the consequences become brats.
We’re always asking questions. We’re always offering choices. We don’t tell our kids what to do, but we put the burden of decision making on their shoulders. As they grow older, we don’t tell them what the limits are; we establish limits by offering choices.
Children learn better from what they tell themselves than from what we tell them.
always be asking thinking questions: • “Would you rather carry your coat or wear it?” • “Would you rather put your boots on now or in the car?” • “Would you rather play nicely in front of the television or be noisy in your room?” We don’t use fighting words: • “You put that coat on now!” • “Because I said put your boots on, that’s why! It’s snowing outside.” • “I’m trying to watch this football game, so be quiet!”
The difference between thinking words and fighting words may be subtle; after all, the limit in each case is the same, but the child’s reaction is usually different. Kids fight against commands. They see an implied threat in them.
If we relent, we demolish the meaning of those consequences. We set up a crumbling limit for our children. If we get angry at them for the choice they made or if we rail into them with an “I-told-you-so,” we also present a crumbling limit. Those children then have ample reason to direct their anger toward their parents instead of themselves.
In the battle for control, we should never take any more than we absolutely must have, and we must always cut our kids in on the action. When we do that, we put them in control on our terms. We need to set the limits, but then we must give our children control of how they operate within those limits.
However, there is a downside: We can give our kids too much control, and kids with too much control are not pleasant to be around.
Adults are no different. When control in some area of life is reduced, we also react with anger.
people of all ages compare the amount of control they have in a relationship to only the amount of control they used to have — not to the amount they feel they should have. When more control is allotted with time, people are satisfied; when control is cut back, people are angry.
In the “V” of love, we offer more and more freedom as the years go by.
These children soon become tyrants. Their parents don’t control them; they control their parents, holding them hostage with temper tantrums and pouts. More tragically, many children who begin life with too much power eventually lead unhappy lives as they grow older.
involved in these battles, we invariably lose. We influence our children in these areas only by modeling. We model how much we like our food at the
The secret to establishing control is to concentrate on fighting battles that we know we can win. That means we must select the issues very carefully. We must pick areas where we do have control over our kids. Then we must offer choices in those areas.
We may not be able to make Emma eat when she’s at the table — that’s an unwinnable battle — but we can control whether she’s at the table or not.
We may not be able to control when Justin does his chores, but we can make sure he does them b...
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1. Avoid a control battle at all costs. 2. If you’re going to get into one, win at all costs. 3. Pick the issue carefully. Whenever a control battle is lost, it’s because the issue was not chosen carefully.
Choices Change Everything Winnable war is waged through choices, not demands.
Choices change the entire complexion of the control struggle. They allow us to give away the control we don’t need and gain the control we do. With choices, kids have no demands to react against, and the control we need is established.
a complete personality change in Gabrielle when she has a choice — when I change my words from fighting words to thinking words. I’m still setting the limit, and I’m still getting what I want, but I’m eliminating the fighting.”
One reason choices work is that they create situations in which children are forced to think.
Second, choices provide opportunities for children to make mistakes and learn from the consequences.
Another reason choices work is because they help us avoid getting into control battles with our children. Finally, choices provide our children with opportunities to hear that we trust their thinking abilities, thus building their self-confidence and the relationship between us and them.
A small change in the way we talk can result in much better cooperation, fewer fights, fewer temper tantrums, less need for disciplinary action, less hate, and more loving relationships.
Children who recognize that they can defy their parents become increasingly insecure and prone to test limits. Each time a parental request can be ignored or defied, the authority of the parent is reduced in the eyes of the children. It does not take long before these kids think, I don’t have to do anything my parent says. It is important to remember that Love and Logic parents are not permissive. Even though they treat their children with dignity and seldom bark orders, they expect that their wishes and requests will be honored.
My car will be leaving in five minutes. There are two ways to leave with me: hungry is one way; not hungry is the other.” That gives the parents as much control as they need. They don’t need to control whether the burger goes down the child’s throat — in fact, they can’t control that. But the parents can control when the car leaves.
They gain control by relinquishing control.
These sorts of reminders are put-downs. Cut the kid some slack. Aidan’s smart enough to remember the choices he’s been given.
From a kid’s point of view, frustration is an irresistible mix of wonderful emotions. Adult anger and adult loss of control — no kid could ask for anything more exciting! As a matter of fact, we all love frustration and loss of control by others. Most of today’s sitcoms and many comic strips are based on frustrated authority figures.
game of peekaboo and the subsequent, “Oh, no! You see me!” is often based on mock frustration. Kids love mock frustration.
No problem for the adult, big problem for the kid. When we say, “No problem,” we give ourselves a few precious seconds to come up with thinking words that will inform our children what we will do, not what they have to do.
(An important note on choices: There are always three. In this example, Aidan can do it one way, or he can do it the other way. The third option is that the parent will decide. Aidan didn’t decide, so his dad decided for him.)
To ensure that Aidan has a learning experience from this incident, his mom and dad must remember one thing: to keep their mouths shut. Save the words for happy times.
The only time to reason with a child is when both parties are happy.
Dad should administer the consequences with a compassionate sadness. For example: “Oh, for sure, son. That’s what happens to me when I miss my dinner. I’ll bet you’ll be anxious for breakfast. Don’t worry — we’ll cook a good one.” Without doubt, Aidan will learn more from this response than from anger and threats. Sorrow and consequences and an arm around his shoulder are powerful teaching agents.
Children are going to fight the choices we give them. Rare are the kids who will always choose one of the given choices and happily go on with life.
Don’t get angry. Stick to your guns, and your brain will remain refreshingly full. Most kids will get frustrated with this after three or four tries, thinking, How quickly can I get out of this crazy situation? Out loud they will say, “I know. Don’t say it again.”
Many well-meaning parents who offer choices to their children err in their delivery of those choices. Often they offer their children two choices — one the adults can live with, and one the adults cannot live with.
Be mindful that it is easy to turn the choices into threats that tell the youngster, “Choose my way or else.” When we say to our child, “You can either clean your room or lose your right to watch television,” it is no different from our boss saying to us, “Would you rather do that report today or get fired?” We must offer real choices, not threats:
Consequences need not be immediate.)
“Would you rather pick up your toys or hire me to do it?” • “Do you want to spend your allowance on fun things this week or pay someone to do your chores?”
Always be sure to select choices that you as a parent like and can live with. Don’t provide one you like and one you don’t, because the child will usually select the one you don’t like. 2. Never give a choice unless you are willing to allow the child to experience the consequences of that choice. 3. Never give choices when the child is in danger. 4. Always give only two verbal choices, but make sure the child knows there is an implied third choice: If he doesn’t decide, then you’ll decide for him. 5. Your delivery is important. Try to start your sentence with one of the following: •
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If we want our kids to have self-control, then we must model it in front of them.
If we want our kids to treat us and speak to us with respect, in addition to demanding it by our actions, we must treat and speak to them with respect.
Parents tend to underestimate children’s need for just a tiny bit of control.
So when they see their kids going for all the control, they think that’s what the children really want. In reality, all they want is a little control, not the whole enchilada.
bossy parents often have bossy kids? Parents who order their children around like boot-camp recruits end up with kids who want to be drill sergeants. It makes perfect sense. Little children love to act big. If they see the big people in their lives bossing, they’ll boss too. So the first place to look for fault with bossy kids is ourselves.
We deal with bossy children without injecting any emotion into the atmosphere. We also don’t lay into them with, “Don’t you dare order me around!” Their behavior is dealt with rationally and forthrightly. When our children boss other kids around, however, we become counselors. After all, now it’s their problem, not ours.
