Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility

by Foster W. Cline

things have changed. The human rights revolution, the communication explosion, the Internet, cell phones, changes in the nuclear family — these and many other factors have radically changed how our children view life. Kids are forced to grow up quicker these days, so they need to learn sooner how to cope with the tremendous challenges and pressures of contemporary life. The

Effective parenting centers around love: love that is not permissive, love that doesn’t tolerate disrespect, but also love that is powerful enough to allow kids to make mistakes and permit them to live with the consequences of those mistakes.

Parents win because they love in a healthy way and establish control over their kids without resorting to the anger and threats that encourage rebellious teenage behavior. Kids win because they learn responsibility and the logic of life by solving their own problems. Thus, they acquire the tools for coping with the real world.

They “know better” but still try drugs. They ignore good advice from parents and other adults and dabble with sex. Though they have been warned to be cautious, they are still lured into meetings by Internet predators. Why do young people sometimes seem so stupidly self-destructive? The tragic truth is that many of these foolish choices are the first real decisions they have ever made. In childhood, decisions were always made for them by well-meaning parents. We must understand that making good choices is like any other activity: It has to be learned. The teenagers who make the wrong choice on alcohol are probably the same children who never learned how to keep their hands out of the cookie jar.

But love can get us in trouble — not love itself per se, but how we show it. Our noble intentions are often our own worst enemy when it comes to raising responsible kids.

It is horribly disappointing to watch kids learn to blame others for their lack of success instead of becoming people who reach goals through effort and determination.

The message the helicopter parent sends is, “You are fragile and can’t make it without me.” The drill sergeant’s message is, “You can’t think for yourself, so I’ll do it for you.” While both of these parental types may successfully control their children in the early years, they will have done their kids a disservice once puberty is reached.

“If children were meant to run the home, they would have been born larger.” While children should be able to decide between safe and responsible options (as we will explain in the next section), we do not advocate letting them decide everything for themselves or even learning from natural consequences that may have damaging effects.

Children need thoughtful guidance and firm, enforceable limits.

We set those limits based on the safety of the child and how the child’s behavior affects others.

However, while the parents are drawing and holding these limits, it is important for them to continue encouraging their children to think about their behavior and help them feel in control of their actions by giving choices within those limits.

They step back a bit from being the enforcer of limits and let reasonable, real-world consequences do the teaching. They become advisors and counselors more than police officers, allowing their adolescents to make more decisions for themselves, and then guide them to successfully navigate the consequences of those decisions.1

They ask their children questions and offer choices. Instead of telling their children what to do, they put the burden of decision making on their kids’ shoulders. They establish options within limits.

there is no surefire, absolute, guaranteed-or-your-money-back approach to raising responsible children. No expert in the field can honestly say, “If you operate this way, it’ll work every time.” Just because we do something correctly doesn’t mean it will work out the way we’d hoped.

Nothing in parenting is sure. However, we increase the odds of raising responsible kids when we take thoughtful risks. We do that when we allow our children — get this — to fail. In fact, unless we allow them to fail, sometimes grandiosely, we cannot allow our children to choose success.

The older a child gets, the bigger the decisions become and the graver the consequences of those decisions. Little children can make many mistakes at affordable prices. They can pick themselves up and try again if things don’t work out. Usually all they’re out are some temporary pain and a few tears.

But that pain is part of the price we must pay to raise responsible kids.

We have a choice though: We can hurt a little as we watch them learn life’s lessons now, or we can hurt a lot as

Too many parents confuse love, protection, and caring. These concepts are not synonymous.

Parents may refuse to allow their children to fail because they see such a response as uncaring.

Caring for our children does not equate to protecting them from every possible misstep they could make in growing up.

when their child is an infant, responsible parents must respond to him with total protectiveness. Every problem the infant encounters really is the parents’ problem. If parents do not protect the infant, he will die. However, as children grow — beginning at about nine months of age with very simple choices —

rescuing parents often rescue out of their own needs. They like to heal hurts. They are parents who need to be needed, not parents who want to be wanted.

Responsibility cannot be taught; it must be caught. To help our children gain responsibility, we must offer them opportunities to be responsible.

Whenever these parents talk to their children, the conversation centers on what the children are doing poorly or what they can’t do. If a child has trouble with fractions or has sloppy work habits or doesn’t pronounce syllables properly — whatever the problem — the parents let him or her know about these weaknesses continually. The result is a constant eroding of their child’s self-concept. But parents who build on their kids’ strengths find their children growing in responsibility almost daily.

somebody very important to us thinks we’re the greatest thing since remote controls, we will perform like gangbusters for that person. But if that important person thinks we’re the scum of the earth, we will probably never prove him or wrong. It’s

I become what I think you think I can.

looking for proof that what they think is our perception of them is correct.

long before Jim’s son, Charlie, developed his writing skills, his seventh-grade teacher raved about his writing potential, building him up and encouraging him. Responding to what his teacher thought he could do, Charlie worked on his writing with determination and enthusiasm and is no...

the messages we give our kids shape the way they feel about themselves. Unfortunately, many of the really powerful messages we send our children have covert negative meanings.

Our love for our children must never be conditional.

Genuine love must be shown regardless of the kids’ accomplishments.

A lot of bonding goes on between parents and children, especially dads and boys when there is friendly wrestling, arm wrestling, shoving, and playful punching. This physical contact between fathers and sons can lock in messages such as, “We enjoy goofing around together,” “You’re tough,” “You’re growing up,” and “You’re just too strong for me anymore.”

Parents who routinely focus on the end result rather than on the learning taking place wind up with kids who have a negative self-concept about their skills.

Parents who take on their kids’ problems do them a great disservice.

Connor shoots off his mouth at school, we let the teachers take care of the consequences with our support. But if Connor shoots his mouth off at us, we deal with

If Caden’s room is a nationally declared disaster area, we let him wallow in the mire. But if Caden trashes the living room within fifteen seconds of arrival, that affects us, so we help him handle it — our way.

“Do you want to stay in your room with the door open or shut?” Then, if the child comes out, you say, “How sad. You chose shut.”

If the child comes out again, offer another choice, “Do you want to stay in your room with the door shut or locked? It’s your choice.” If the child comes out again, you say, “How sad. You chose locked.” (Because

The child will remain in the room until calm. Do not talk to the child during this time even if it sounds like war is going on in the room.

Once the child is calm, the adult sets the egg timer for four or five minutes. It is important that the child has at least this amount of time to think, I want to be with the family.

Adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats. The statements are enforceable because they deal with how we will respond.

Adults must set firm, loving limits using enforceable statements without showing anger, lecturing, or using threats.

Notice that the parent is not telling the child how to act, such as “Stop that right now!” Such a statement is not enforceable; all it means is that the parent will have to act again if the behavior continues. Nor does the parent simply say, “Go to your room,” because that also gives the child the option of disobedience.

Instead, two choices are given, both of which are acceptable to the parent and can be enforced if the child decides to do nothing in response.

Make sure that you are willing to enforce whatever choices you give. It won’t take too many times of following through on the less desirable choice before your child will understand that either option is truly acceptable to you and that you will carry it out.

When a child causes a problem, the adult shows empathy through sadness and sorrow and then lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back to the child.

consequences can, and often should, be delayed. There is nothing wrong with saying something like, “Uh-oh! I am going to have to do something about that, but not right now. I am busy with something else. I will get back to you on that. Try not to worry about it.” This is especially good if you are in the car and truly can’t do anything about it at the moment, if you are out in public, or if you simply can’t think of anything to do about it.

Most kids want us to understand their feelings, not soothe our own emotional turmoil by offering them solutions.

Parenting with Love and Logic involves setting strong limits and boundaries in toddlerhood. Not only do limits protect our children from harmful situations, they also allow us to model good adult behavior by caring for ourselves.