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June 25 - July 2, 2023
Abusers make these statements as if they were gods, as if they lived within their partner’s body/mind/soul, and
form of interpersonal interaction that results from the repression of intense aggression and which seriously impairs its victim’s capacity to recognize and deal with the interpersonal reality.” (Bach and Goldberg, 1974, p. 251)
an opportunity is present today in our everyday lives. It is the opportunity we have to value ourselves and to awaken to the way we express and protect that value in our relationships.
having faith in our own value and by trusting our own perceptions.
In a verbally abusive relationship, the partner learns to tolerate abuse without realizing it and to lose self-esteem without realizing
the victims of verbal abuse must wrest a sense of their own value and their self-esteem from the most disempowering and confusing of circumstances. They can do so by recognizing verbal abuse for what it
the verbal abuser and the partner seemed to be living in two different realities. The abuser’s orientation was toward control and dominance. The partner’s orientation was toward mutuality and co-creation.
She may be living in Reality II and seeking mutuality without having achieved Reality II self-esteem
he can say anything he wants, however, she may also realize that there is nothing heroic about staying around to hear it.
Love is the child of freedom, never that of domination. — Erich Fromm
the words or attitude disempower, disrespect, or devalue the other, then they are abusive. Here
he avoids his feelings of powerlessness by dominating and controlling his partner. The abuser is determined not to admit to his manipulation and control. If he did, he would come face to face with his own feelings.
He may “win” a battle with a manipulation or a convincing put-down without his partner even realizing a battle has taken place. If she does feel put down and tells him, he will deny the abuse. He might say, for example, that his partner doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
unexpressive of warmth and empathy controlling
a “nice guy” to others competitive
quick with come-backs or put-downs critical manipulative explosive hostile unexpressive of
What is present is What is lacking is Inequality Equality Competiton Partnership Manipulation Mutuality Hostility Goodwill
Control Intimacy Negation Validation
Why can’t he accept her as an equal? Because he would experience her equality as his inferiority. He would have to ask for what he wanted. He would be open to rejection. He would have to give up control and dominance. Control and dominance seem to give the abuser a sense of power, security, and identity as a male.
The partners of verbal abusers often spend a great deal of time trying to understand interactions
Then all smiles stopped together. There she stands As if alive. — Robert Browning
(Verbal abusers abuse in cycles. The victim just recovers and forgets an abuse when another one occurs.)
She lost her enthusiasm. Curt’s unexpected anger conditioned her to be on guard.
The interruption throws Lea off balance. [A definite sign of abuse.]
“Maybe I am too sensitive,” she thought. Later she had a strong feeling that she just wanted to run away. Life seemed so hard.
I said it wrong. I felt like dying. [Another definite sign of verbal abuse.]
thought that if I couldn’t even relate to my husband, how could I get along out in the world? I’d been thinking of going back to work.
This lack or flaw was not particularly defined but was instead a general sense of inadequacy derived from countless accusations.
The more the partner shares her hopes and fears with the abuser, hoping for acceptance and intimacy, the more the abuser views her openness as weakness; the more superior he feels; the colder he becomes, and the more Power Over he feels.
The more the partner shares her interests and goals, the more the abuser introduces a situation or judgment which throws her off balance, diverts her from them, and reestablishes his control.
more the partner accomplishes, believing the abuser will be happy for her, the more the abuser trivializes and diminishes her efforts in order to be one-up and dominant.
The partner may also feel shame, especially if the abuse occurs in the presence of others.
And each time she explains what she is really thinking, doing, or saying, what she means or intends, the abuser negates her in some way. The partner is left with a deep sense of frustration.
When the partner recognizes that her mate has no determination to understand her, she has begun to understand him. And, although she may be angry, she is no longer frustrated. Relieved of her frustration, the partner has more energy to nourish the spirit of life at her center.
The abuser’s indifference, criticism, disregard, and so forth are all felt as a kind of rejection by the partner — as if she, on each one of these occasions, just doesn’t meet his standards. This rejection implies to the partner that she is somehow unacceptable or unworthy. Intermittent rejection breeds confusion and uncertainty. When the partner recognizes her mate’s rejection, she realizes that her joy and vitality cannot be shared with someone who would diminish it.
The feeling of hope calls forth the awareness that being in the desirable state is possible. The spirit is nourished. The feeling of disappointment calls forth the awareness that the desirable state has not been realized. The spirit is diminished. The partner of the abuser hopes that in time her relationship will improve.
verbal abuse is, in essence, unexpected and unpredictable,
It takes tremendous self-esteem to validate one’s own reality when no one else seems to have done so.
The partner intermittently forgets her upset feelings when the abuser is intermittently friendly.
The abuser and partner may function very well together in their respective roles, making a home, raising a family, and “getting ahead,” so the abusive nature of the relationship is overlooked.
The partner may have never seen a model of a healthy relationship and good communication.
The partner may believe that the way her mate is, is the way men are, with possibly a few exceptions.
an abusive personality — one that seeks Power Over another — is not capable of the empathetic comprehension that love and relationship require
When I saw that pattern — that when I was up I somehow got hurt — I felt a deep shock, I felt disintegrated. I was trying so hard to pull myself together that I couldn’t understand how that could be happening. [after a few moments she continued] I think I came to fear letting him know when I was happy. Then, maybe, deep down, I came to fear being happy. Pattern #4
“No matter what I do,” they say, “he treats me as if I were his enemy.” As
Some partners imagined that their relationship was really better than it was, especially if their mate’s occupations took them away from home a great deal. Pattern #8
Verbal abuse attacks the nature and abilities of the partner. The partner may begin to believe that there is something wrong with her or that her abilities are her failings. As Bella
Usually the partner does not know that she is being manipulated and controlled. She may notice, however, that she may be living her life quite differently than she’s planned, or certainly less happily.
Verbal abuse is insidious. Verbal abuse disregards, disrespects or devalues the partner in such a way that: a. Her self-esteem gradually diminishes, usually without her realizing it. b. She loses self-confidence without realizing it.
“He says he’s relaxed and easygoing but he’s angry and irritable every day.”
