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June 25 - July 2, 2023
verbal abuse prevents real relationships.
Verbal abusers generally experience many of their feelings as anger. For instance, if the verbal abuser feels unsure and anxious he may simply feel angry — possibly angry that he is feeling unsure and anxious. Yet part of being human is the ability to feel. The ability to feel, like the ability to think, is universal to the nature of humanity. Unfortunately, the abuser is generally unwilling to accept his feelings and unwilling to reveal them to his partner. He builds a wall between himself and his partner. He maintains a distance. Why does he do this? Because in Reality I walls are required.
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relationship requires intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy. To hear and understand another’s feelings and experience is empathetic comprehension. The intimacy of a relationship cannot be achieved if one party is unwilling to share himself and is unable to support his partner in an empathetic way. Although
The abuser who refuses to listen to his partner, denies her experience, and refuses to share himself with her is violating the primary agreement of a relationship. He is withholding.
Withholding speaks as loudly as words and is a category of verbal abuse. Simply put, withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward one’s partner, to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference. A confirmed verbal abuser may go for months or years without attempting to engage his partner and without empathetically responding to her.
The verbal abuser who chooses to withhold can add a variety of flourishes and camouflages to his withholding, such as pretending not to hear, picking up something to look at while his partner is sharing something or watching television while saying, “Go ahead, I’m listening.”
The verbal abuser who chooses to withhold will respond to requests for communication with: “There’s nothing to talk about.” “What do you want me to say?” “What are you complaining about; I do talk to you.” “You never let me talk.” “Why should I tell you if I like it; you’ll do what you want anyway.” “You wouldn’t be interested.”
he may choose to argue against her thoughts, her perceptions, or her experience of life itself.
verbal abuser may be so quick to counter his partner, he cannot hear her or allow her to finish her thought and, certainly, he cannot discern her tone of voice.
If you think it’s so simple, then you can do the taxes and I’ll quit work!
This means that, since she is not responsible in any way for the abuse, she need in no way defend herself by explaining herself. She may protect herself, however, as Chapter XI will describe.
the partner to fully realize that there is no “way she can be” to prevent the abuser from venting his anger on her.
Speaking more gently, listening more attentively, being more supportive, more interesting, more learned, more fun, thinner, cuter, or classier — being more anything will not work. The abuser’s anger arises out of his general
The cycle, however, is not regular. It is not predictable. The abuser doesn’t vent his anger at his partner every morning, or every evening, or every Saturday night. The intensity of the angry outbursts also varies. Factors
Alcohol doesn’t make him angrier so much as it makes him feel freer to vent his anger.
The second reward is that he has reasserted his dominance and Power Over his partner. There is nothing she can do and no way she can be to prevent the next attack
If the partner tells her mate how upsetting his outbursts are to her, she will usually face an intense angry denial telling her that she’s overreacting.
One of the reasons anger addicts don’t apologize is that to sincerely do so would entail giving up the fix. The fix — the explosion and release of tension — allows the anger addict to maintain his equilibrium. It also gives him a high and a sense of Power Over. For as long as he can deny his responsibility for his anger and can accuse his partner of causing it, the abuser can continue to maintain his equilibrium and to get a high at his partner’s expense.
had tried to reason with him, and he’d just walked out and gone to work.) He said, “What argument? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I reminded
easily irritated person is an angry person. They believe instead that there are just some
They slowly adapt until, like frog number two, they are living in an environment which is killing to their spirit.
The partner is conditioned by her family of origin, by her culture, and by her relationship. None of us is entirely free from conditioning. Consequently, we adapt, and our conditioning influences the way we interpret our experience.
The partner is conditioned from early childhood not to trust her feelings and not to recognize the irrationality of verbal abuse. All verbal abuse is irrational
Consequently, the partner may believe that her mate is the rational one and that she is the irrational one in the relationship.
The partner is conditioned not only by her childhood caretakers and her culture, but also by the day-to-day abuse from her mate.
Denise Winn, author of The Manipulated Mind
public humiliations served to undermine their egos … . Need for friendship and approval led them to comply … . Induced anxiety, guilt, fear and insecurity led to suggestibility … . The unpredictability of their captor’s behaviour confused their expectations and assumptions. Without a ‘norm’ to which they could adapt, they felt even less in control.” (Winn, 1983, p. 35)
“Be nice to people and they’ll be nice to you.” If the partner believes this, she may think that when her mate yells at her, he thought she wasn’t being nice and that she can explain to him that she wasn’t saying what he thought.
“If you open up to him, he’ll open up to you.” If the partner believes this, she may think that if she shares herself, he’ll share himself.
He felt that she was opposing him and that he might be losing his Power Over her.
if he isn’t feeling Power Over his partner, he is feeling that she must be trying to overpower him. There is no mutuality in his reality.
If he doesn’t respond or talk to her, she may think he is very shy or slightly autistic, but really wants to communicate with her, since that is part of the joy of mutuality in a relationship. In this
“Oh, he yelled at me because he wants to control or intimidate me, not because of something I’ve said or done.” Or “He said that to put me down so he can feel powerful. I will not accept this abuse.”
if there is respect and goodwill in a relationship, other issues can be addressed. However,
You may need to become aware of your unmet needs for connection and intimacy and your right to be treated with courtesy, respect, dignity, and empathy.
If you have never felt a sense of understanding and resolution after talking over a hurtful incident with your mate, you have been severely abused.
you will not accept being put down or raged at for a simple mistake.
any response such as “What I meant was …” suggests to the abuser that his reality is valid —
“My peace of mind is worth everything I went through,” said Bella.
psychological freedoms are usually won through emotional pain and feelings of loss.
If you are completely ignored by your mate, if he looks right through you as if you didn’t exist, your boundaries are being violated. This is so because you are being treated as if your individuality does not exist, as if you have no boundary to set you off from the background scenery.
If you are often too stunned, caught too much off guard, too shocked, or in too much pain or confusion to respond to verbal abuse with even a “Stop it,” you may be in an extremely toxic and unhealthy relationship.
child’s name calling (“You poo poo!”) and an adult’s name calling (“You bitch!”) both originate within the same level of emotional development.
You are not involved in word games when you are living with abuse. You are fighting for your spirit, your sanity, your soul.
you have a fundamental right to a nurturing environment and a fundamental right to affirm your boundaries.
it is not healthy to live in an abusive atmosphere.
try, “Stop that kind of talk right now!”
leave the area stating firmly, clearly, and matter-of-factly as you leave, “I am feeling very bored with your company.” Then be gone as long as you want to. You may, or may not, make an impact, but at least you won’t be bored. Reading a book or taking your children out for ice cream is le`ss boring and less painful than hoping for a response and getting the “silent treatment.”
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If your mate counters your ideas, feelings, and perceptions, or goes so far as to refute what he misconstrues you to have said, you may in either case say authoritatively and decisively, “Stop!” while holding your arm out in front of you at a right angle to your body, palm out, facing him, in the style of a traffic officer. Follow the word “Stop!” with the request: “Please look at my lips.” Then repeat your original statement while speaking slowly and distinctly.
you have a right to your own thoughts and perceptions.)
