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June 25 - July 2, 2023
Sometimes countering comes in the form of a challenge. If after expressing a personal perception such as “I thought the play was great,” you hear a challenge such as “You can’t prove it,” the way to respond is to simply say, “No.” Then disengage. Leave the room. You might take a walk, visit a friend, take yourself to lunch, go to the library, check out the powder room, window shop, or take the children to the park.
Try, “Stop that kind of talk right now!” or “Hold it! I don’t ever want to hear that kind of talk from you!” or “Cut it out!”
So that’s what you believe!” This works with many “you” statements. If he says “yes,” simply say, with great meaning and mystery, “I see.”
Any time you are put down, disparaged, denigrated, or ridiculed, or just don’t like what you’re hearing try responding emphatically with, “I’m wondering. Now that you have said that (put me down) (interrupted me) (laughed at me), do you feel more important? I’d like you to think about this.”
You might say, “I don’t want to talk about it” or “I’ll get back to you later” if he continues to challenge you.
“Look at me!” then keep repeating your question or statement. For example, “Where did the $5,000 go?” “Are you telling me I have to sort through all this when you don’t even balance your checkbook?” “Look at me! Where did the $5,000 go?” “If you don’t like my bookkeeping then you do the taxes from now on. I’ve had it with you.” “Look at me! Where did the $5,000 go?”
Another way to express this is that a partner may stay in an abusive relationship because she believes that she can explain to her mate that she is not doing what she is accused of doing and that she is not responsible for what she is blamed for. The partner wants her mate to understand her and to realize that she is not his enemy.
Respond with, “Stop accusing and blaming me right now! Stop it!” You might choose to add any of the following: “Don’t let me ever hear you say that again!” “Remember whom you’re talking to!” “Don’t talk to me like that!” “I think you know better than that!”
Don’t spend a second trying to explain that you weren’t doing what you were accused of doing or guilty of what you were blamed for. Just say, “Stop it.” Abusive statements are lies about you which are told to you. They violate your boundaries. The abuser in effect invades your mind, makes up a “story” about your motives, and then tells it to you. No human being has the right to do that to another.
To respond to judging and criticizing, speak as strongly, firmly, emphatically, and authoritatively as you can and let the energy of your anger support you: “Do you hear yourself?” “Stop judging me!” “Cut out the criticism!” “Enough of that.” “I don’t accept that.” “That’s nonsense!” “Please keep your comments to yourself.” “Mind your own business, please!” “This is not your concern!” Then disengage, leave the area if at all possible, and certainly don’t continue with a discussion. Further discussion dilutes the impact of your response.
“I don’t like your attitude!” “That felt like a low blow.” “Cut that out!” “I am definitely not having any fun with you.”
the threat of “pending disaster” shatters the partner’s serenity as well as her boundaries.
Respond as clearly and as calmly as you possibly can with “Don’t bother me with those threats, please,”
Without really thinking about it, the madder he gets the harder the partner may try to explain herself so that he won’t be so mad.
This is the cycle of “trying to explain.”
The two most effective responses to denial are “Stop it” and “Stop making me crazy!”
“Hold it!” or leave. The moment you sense his tension in any way, leave.
One partner was told “If you open up to him, he’ll open up to you.” In general, this is not true of the verbal abuser. He will be aware of your vulnerability, and when he’s feeling angry he may use it against you. Some abusers feel triumphant, as if they have won, if their mates feel hurt. Some fly into a rage, claiming that they are being attacked, if their partner tells them when she feels hurt.
Taking step-by-step action toward personal goals and meaningful work builds confidence and self-esteem. No matter how you feel, you can usually act in a way that is nourishing to yourself, setting a goal, no matter how small, and completing it daily.
is no wonder that many verbally battered women have been told how lucky they are to have such a wonderful mate.
His anger, fear, and self-loathing grow in a secret hidden part of himself and, since he hides this part of himself from himself, he is unable to recognize the source of these feelings. When they do surface, their source, to him, is his partner. This is projection.
His life becomes a battle against the one who carries his projection.
becomes evident that every abuse is an attempt by the abuser to defend himself from his inner child’s feelings of anger, fear and helplessness, and to protect himself from the knowledge of what he is doing.
Withholding enables the abuser to dominate his partner while keeping his ideal image intact. Indeed, to reveal a thought would give the enemy the advantage or perhaps subject him to scrutiny. His ideal image is too fragile a construction to risk such exposure. To respond with interest to his partner would be just as threatening. Such a response would suggest equality, obliterating the abuser’s stance of superiority. Without a stance of superiority for protection, the abuser’s feelings of powerlessness that must not be felt might be felt.
The abuser who chooses to withhold feels more in control and more powerful if he can remain distant from his partner and, consequently, keep her at bay and yearning. He may also experience a heightened sense of power if his partner’s enthusiasm is dampened by his coldness.
By totally avoiding the topic at hand, he avoids any exploration of the reality of his behavior.
The need to control the conversation and hence the outcome may be so intense that some abusers will say with angry apprehension, “I don’t see where this conversation is going! So just drop it!”
Unless he actively seeks personal change through the hard work of therapy, he will, to some degree, have lived a nonlife and have been, to some degree, only an idea of himself. This is his own great personal tragedy.
abusers perceive their partners to be responsible for all their unhappiness.
they don’t usually really perceive their partners as separate people, but rather as all-needs-meeting-extensions of themselves. Or as simply an all-needs-meeting mother. If they’ve had financial losses, “Mom” should make everything okay again.
Their anxiety grows when their partners do not match their projected selves. They expect their partners to divine what to say and do and even perceive what they, the abusers, think and require: “You know what I want/what I said/what you did,” etc.
the years we have been together, I have never felt safe and secure.
never realized until now how much I counted on his time in the office or his time traveling to just be able to think.
struggle not to be isolated. He always tries to destroy my friendships, doing everything he can to isolate me. I have learned to keep most of my friendships hidden and
the conversation won’t last more than a couple of minutes anyway because he just can’t be bothered.
I feel very alone. I really would prefer to have a husband that I can share my day with and have an actual conversation with.
Instead of appreciating the hard work that I did to maintain a homestead, he criticized everything I did.
considered suicide every day.
Not knowing if you have any joint funds, or what your debts are, takes away your autonomy and your freedom. It is a common horror in a country that fights for freedom.
I believe he gets pleasure from causing pain to others and
sure I would have lasted. I truly do not know how women with far fewer resources get out … I guess they often don’t.
Kate’s story is typical of those involving controlling people. Controlling people often fight their partners’ every request. Everything you have to do with them is a struggle.
It is exhausting, and like other victims, I thought something was wrong with me. I read so many self-help books, looking for answers. Brandon was so good at convincing me that I was somehow “too sensitive” and that I, who began to feel I deserved nothing, was “too demanding.”
It seems that being ridiculed is not as damaging as being ignored… .The most damaging form of behavior is withholding your attention. — Masaru
He may tell you what you are: “You’re fat/stupid/crazy.” He may tell you what you think: “You think: “You’re: smarter than anyone/You know everything/ I don’t know what you’re up to.” He may tell you what you are trying to do: “You’re trying to: start a fight/ be right/ make me look bad.”
On the other hand, covert or subtle abuse might be more confusing, such as, “You don’t really want that.” The person hearing this might be more inclined to say, “I do, too.” Or, “Why not?” rather than, “Hey! Quit telling me what I don’t want!”
The verbal abuser thinks an explanation is the same thing as an argument or a fight. One verbally abusive man told me, “I always thought, you bring out your biggest weapons when you have a fight. Don’t you?’”
names again.” “Hey, you aren’t me, a woman. You don’t know what I am. Don’t you ever tell me what I am again.”
partners live in fear. For many, fear is their only companion.
is likely to take the form of slandering the partner to the community, to the courts, and/or to the children when the relationship ends.
