Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

by Sheryl Sandberg

Having one pregnant woman at the top—even one who looked like a whale—made the difference.

The laws of economics and many studies of diversity tell us that if we tapped the entire pool of human resources and talent, our collective performance would improve.

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A 2011 McKinsey report noted that men are promoted based on potential, while women are promoted based on past accomplishments.

We internalize the negative messages we get throughout our lives—the messages that say it’s wrong to be outspoken, aggressive, more powerful than men. We lower our own expectations of what we can achieve. We continue to do the majority of the housework and child

I would never advocate that we should all have the same objectives. Many people are not interested in acquiring power, not because they lack ambition, but because they are living their lives as they desire.

Career progression often depends upon taking risks and advocating for oneself—traits that girls are discouraged from exhibiting.

There are so many reasons for this winnowing out, but one important contributor is a leadership ambition gap.

more men than women aspire to the most senior jobs.

“She is very ambitious” is not a compliment in our culture. Aggressive and hard-charging women violate unwritten rules about acceptable social conduct. Men are continually applauded for being ambitious and powerful and successful, but women who display these same traits often pay a social penalty. Female accomplishments come at a cost.19

And when I attended a barbecue with my then-beau, his boss took me aside to remind me that ‘there aren’t many guys like that out there.’ ” The result of these negative reactions, in Gayle’s view, is that many women “still see ambition as a dirty word.”20

There is far more to life than climbing a career ladder, including raising children, seeking personal fulfillment, contributing to society, and improving the lives of others. And there are many people who are deeply committed to their jobs but do not—and should not have to—aspire to run their organizations. Leadership roles are not the only way to have profound impact.

When a girl tries to lead, she is often labeled bossy. Boys are seldom called bossy because a boy taking the role of a boss does not surprise or offend. As someone who was called this for much of my childhood, I know that it is not a compliment.

there is still some part of me that feels it was unseemly for a little girl to be thought of as so . . . domineering. Cringe.

the guest of honor spoke the entire time without taking a breath. This meant that the only way to ask a question or make an observation was to interrupt.

and he did it again! He chastised her for interrupting. After the meal, one of the male CEOs pulled me aside to say that he had noticed that only the women had been silenced. He told me he empathized, because as a Hispanic, he has been treated like this many times.

A study found that of Millennial men and women who work in an organization with a woman in a senior role, only about 20 percent want to emulate her career.

most “women are not thinking about ‘having it all,’ they’re worried about losing it all—their jobs, their children’s health, their families’ financial stability—because of the regular conflicts that arise between being a good employee and a responsible parent.”37

Fear is at the root of so many of the barriers that women face. Fear of not being liked. Fear of making the wrong choice. Fear of drawing negative attention. Fear of overreaching. Fear of being judged. Fear of failure. And the holy trinity of fear: the fear of being a bad mother/wife/daughter.

“Fortune favors the bold.”

“Proceed and be bold.” My favorite reads, “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

You are the promise for a more equal world. So my hope for everyone here is that after you walk across this stage, after you get your diploma, after you go out tonight and celebrate hard—you then will lean way in to your career. You will find something you love doing and you will do it with gusto. Find the right career for you and go all the way to the top. As you walk off this stage today, you start your adult life. Start out by aiming high. Try—and try hard. Like everyone here, I have great hopes for the members of this graduating class. I hope you find true meaning, contentment, and passion in your life. I hope you navigate the difficult times and come out with greater strength and resolve. I hope you find whatever balance you seek with your eyes wide open. And I hope that you—yes, you—have the ambition to lean in to your career and run the world. Because the world needs you to change it. Women all around the world are counting on you. So please ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.

One young woman even told me I was “the baddest bitch” (which, having checked with someone later, actually did turn out to be a compliment).

Hahhaa

demurred

Show reluctance

She explained that many people, but especially women, feel fraudulent when they are praised for their accomplishments. Instead of feeling worthy of recognition, they feel undeserving and guilty, as if a mistake has been made.

This phenomenon of capable people being plagued by self-doubt has a name—the impostor syndrome. Both men and women are susceptible to the impostor syndrome, but women tend to experience it more intensely and be more limited by it.

Men and women also differ when it comes to explaining failure. When a man fails, he points to factors like “didn’t study enough” or “not interested in the subject matter.” When a woman fails, she is more likely to believe it is due to an inherent lack of ability.

When I don’t feel confident, one tactic I’ve learned is that it sometimes helps to fake it.

Given how fast the world moves today, grabbing opportunities is more important than ever.

Taking initiative pays off. It is hard to visualize someone as a leader if she is always waiting to be told what to do.

domain.’ In retrospect, at a certain point it’s your ability to learn quickly and contribute quickly that matters.

there is no perfect fit when you’re looking for the next big thing to do. You have to take opportunities and make an opportunity fit for you, rather than the other way around. The ability to learn is the most important quality a leader can have.”

I recognize the sheer luck of being born into my family in the United States rather than one of the many places in the world where women are denied basic rights.

When a man is successful, he is liked by both men and women. When a woman is successful, people of both genders like her less. This truth is both shocking and unsurprising: shocking because no one would ever admit to stereotyping on the basis of gender and unsurprising because clearly we do.

6 In order to protect ourselves from being disliked, we question our abilities and downplay our achievements, especially in the presence of others. We put ourselves down before others can.

Relate

As a girl, you know that being smart is good in lots of ways, but it doesn’t make you particularly popular or attractive to boys.

A willingness to make an introduction or advocate for or promote someone depends upon having positive feelings about that person. We need to believe in her ability to do the job and get along with everyone while doing it. That’s why, instinctively, many of us feel pressure to mute our accomplishments.

building. Silence. No one wanted to toot her own horn. Who would want to speak up when self-promoting women are disliked? Jocelyn switched her approach.

In fact, a woman who explains why she is qualified or mentions previous successes in a job interview can lower her chances of getting hired.9

A study that looked at the starting salaries of students graduating with a master’s degree from Carnegie Mellon University found that 57 percent of the male students, but only 7 percent of the female students, tried to negotiate for a higher offer.14 But instead of blaming women for not negotiating more, we need to recognize that women often have good cause to be reluctant to advocate for their own interests because doing so can easily backfire.15

First, women must come across as being nice, concerned about others, and “appropriately” female. When women take a more instrumental approach (“This is what I want and deserve”), people react far more negatively.

women must do is provide a legitimate explanation for the negotiation.21 Men don’t have to legitimize their negotiations; they are expected to look out for themselves.

So at the very least, women can enter these negotiations with the knowledge that showing concern for the common good, even as they negotiate for themselves, will strengthen their position.

Real change will come when powerful women are less of an exception.

“Don’t flaunt your success, or even let people know about your success. If you do, people won’t like you.”

One of the things he told me was that my desire to be liked by everyone would hold me back. He said that when you want to change things, you can’t please everyone. If you do please everyone, you aren’t making enough progress. Mark was right.

What is your biggest problem, and how can I solve it?”

so I recommend adopting two concurrent goals: a long-term dream and an eighteen-month plan.

But even a vague goal can provide direction, a far-off guidepost to move toward.

only one criterion mattered when picking a job—fast growth.