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Death was unpleasant, but it was a familiar and tolerable ache in his chest.
"What are you doing?" "Finding a new way to make us fit,"
Kevin looked at him like he was stupid. Neil was painfully familiar with that look by now, but even after four months working with Kevin he still didn't appreciate it.
"You do know your place, don't you?" Kevin asked.
Wymack didn't care if he had nine Foxes or twenty-five. He'd stand behind them until the bitter, bloody end.
"Last I checked Andrew didn't like you," Wymack said. "He still doesn't," Neil said, but he didn't bother to explain. "Interesting."
"Look. Shit happened. Shit's going to keep happening. You don't need me to tell you life isn't fair. You're here because you know it isn't. Life doesn't care what we want out of it; it's up to us to fight for what we want with everything we've got.
"One day I want you to look up 'insensitivity' in the dictionary," Matt said, annoyed. "I'm sure it'll do your ego wonders to see your picture printed there beside it."
Kevin was raised a left-handed striker, but Riko broke his playing hand last December in a fit of jealous rage. Kevin had been trying to relearn the game right-handed since March, but he was nowhere near as good as he'd once been. Public opinion said he was a genius for managing to play at all these days, but Kevin felt his fall from grace keenly. As brutal as Kevin could be toward the rest of the team, he was hardest on himself. It was the only reason Neil tolerated his condescension.
"Andrew Joseph Minyard, what the flying fuck have you done this time?" "It wasn't me, it was the one-armed man!"
"It wasn't me. Ask my doppelganger?"
"I'm not exactly a uniting force," Neil said. "You've obviously got something Andrew wants," Matt said. "Where Andrew goes, they all go. You just have to pull him harder than he pulls you."
Neil would rather fail than spend more time with Aaron.
They were different kinds of heartless and Neil, for all his problems connecting with other people, didn't want to be a monster.
"Kevin, Kevin. So predictable. So pathetic. How about a tip? A reward for all your hard work, or something. Ready? You'll start having more success when you ask for things you can actually have." "I can have this," Kevin said, voice thick with frustration. "You're just being stupid." "I guess we'll see, but don't say I didn't warn you!"
"I didn't think Andrew had a price tag," Neil said. "He doesn't seem the kind of person who can be bought." "He's not," Wymack said. "If I asked him to do it for free, he would. The only reason he's getting something out of this is because I know what it'll cost him to play for us tonight."
"Is it respect or prudence?" "We'll go with the latter," Wymack said. "Andrew likes me about as much as you do."
"Oh." Andrew slapped his fist into his palm as if the answer had just occurred to him. He flashed Matt a wicked grin but answered in German. "Maybe he's afraid she'll die on him like the last woman he really loved."
"Some people are just hardwired to be stupid,"
"Would it kill you to smile when no one's paying you to?"
As he listened to them, Neil realized he was happy. It was such an unexpected and unfamiliar feeling he lost track of the conversation for a minute. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this included or safe. It was nice but dangerous. Someone with a past like his, whose very survival depended on secrecy and lies, couldn't afford to let his guard down.
But Neil was afraid, and Andrew knew that.
"You have this way of making people want to kill you,"
Andrew leaned forward on his perch and smiled at Neil. "Hey, Neil. Honesty looks awful on you."
"A man can only have so many issues," Andrew said.
"I distinctly remember saying I would watch your back. Give me one good reason why you'd make that difficult for me."
"I'm remembering why I don't like you." "I'm surprised you forgot in the first place."
"Your parents are dead, you are not fine, and nothing is going to be okay," Andrew said. "This is not news to you. But from now until May you are still Neil Josten and I am still the man who said he would keep you alive.
"On that day you're not going to run. You're going to think about what I promised you and you're going to make the call. Tell me you understand."
"I don't like that word." Neil hesitated. "Extreme?" "Misunderstanding." "It's an odd word to have a grudge against." "You don't have any room to judge other people's problems," Andrew said.
"Look at me," Andrew said. "It'll be fine. You believe me, yes?" "I believe you," Kevin said, muffled but noticeably strained. "Liar." Andrew laughed and leaned forward a little to peer out Kevin's window.
Neil didn't recognize the man, but he didn't need to ask. The black three tattooed on his left cheekbone meant he could be no one but Jean Moreau.
"Jean," he said. "Hey, Jean. Jean Valjean. Hey. Hey. Hello."
"I'm Andrew. We haven't met yet." "For which I am grateful,"
Your pet is and always will be dead weight. It's time to—" "What?" Andrew turned a wide-eyed look on Kevin. "You have a pet and you never told us? Where do you keep it, Kevin?"
"You know, I get it," Neil said. "Being raised as a superstar must be really, really difficult for you. Always a commodity, never a human being, not a single person in your family thinking you're worth a damn off the court—yeah, sounds rough. Kevin and I talk about your intricate and endless daddy issues all the time." "Neil," Kevin said, low and frantic. Neil ignored him. "I know it's not entirely your fault that you are mentally unbalanced and infected with these delusions of grandeur, and I know you're physically incapable of holding a decent conversation with anyone like every other normal
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Neil was too upset to be afraid. He'd have a nervous breakdown later.
"His antagonism is a personality flaw we're learning to live with," Kevin said.
Jean's laughter sounded more than a little hysterical. "God save you both, you useless fools. No one else can. How either of you have lived this long when you're so miserably stupid is beyond my capacity to understand."
Running wasn't easy, but it was easier than trusting Andrew. But Neil remembered the weight of a key in his palm, its metal soaked through with another person's body heat. He remembered Andrew's promise to see this year through with him.
Neil pulled his fist from his pocket and uncurled his fingers. Andrew glanced first at the phone in Neil's palm and then up at Neil's face. Neil didn't return the look but said in German, "I made a different call this time."
Neil didn't really expect him to switch languages, because the conversation was likely more entertaining to him when they had an audience, but for now Andrew was willing to play along.
"How can you stand having a team like ours, Coach? Isn't it exhausting dealing with us and our problems day after day?" Wymack emptied his coffee with one big gulp. "Nope."
wymack>>
I have nothing and no one else, Kevin.
"At least you'd have a chance," Kevin said quietly. "A chance to die somewhere else all by myself," Neil said, and Kevin looked away.
Kevin was silent for an endless minute, then said, "You should be Court." It was barely a whisper, but it cut Neil to the bone. It was a resentful goodbye to the bright future Kevin had wanted for Neil.
"Will you still teach me?" Neil asked. Kevin was quiet again, but not for long this time. "Every night."
"What does he want that he'll risk so much to keep you here?" "I made him a promise." Kevin dragged his stare away from Neil's face to follow Andrew's progress. "He's waiting to see if I can keep it." "I don't understand."
"Andrew is crazy, not stupid," Kevin said. "Even he will grow bored of being a failure eventually.
