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"They're so soft." Neil thought about Renee's bruised knuckles, Dan's fierce spirit, and Allison holding her ground on the court a week after Seth's death. He thought about his mother standing unflinching in the face of his father's violent anger and her ruthlessly leaving bodies in their wake. He felt compelled to say, "Some of the strongest people I've known are women."
But that didn't count, because Andrew was Andrew, and this was definitely the last turn he needed his thoughts to take. He dragged his attention back to the task at hand and vowed never to listen to Nicky again.
"You're going to be a zombie cowboy." "You're making that up." "Shhhh."
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Andrew hadn't given away any of Neil's secrets, so Neil wouldn't give up his.
Neil was starting to rethink how apathetic Andrew was about Aaron's life.
"Don't make me hurt you," Andrew said. "I don't want blood in my ice cream."
"Sometimes you're interesting enough to keep around. Other times you're so astoundingly stupid I can barely stand the sight of you."
"When I said I wasn't Andrew's type, I meant it. It's not about my looks or faith. It's that I'm a woman."
Neil heard her words but was slow to understand them. He blinked at her in confusion, blinked again when it clicked, and said a little too loudly, "Oh. Then Andrew and Kevin—"
"Then why can I know?" Neil asked. "Perhaps he knows you won't use it against him," Renee said. There was a gentle warning in her words, and Neil bristled despite himself.
"Maybe it comes as a surprise to you, Neil, but I am not a very trusting person. If I tell a man the sky is blue and he tells me I am wrong, I am not inclined to give him a second chance. I see no reason to."
"Sometimes I forget you are sharper than you look."
"You say that because you haven't met Luther," Andrew said. "Can I?" That was unexpected enough to get Andrew's undivided attention.
"We're all going to regret this." Andrew let go of Neil with a smile.
"Why are you so special?" Matt asked. "I'm not," Neil said, confused. "Andrew doesn't give ground to anybody. Why does he keep saying yes to you?"
"He asks and you give—okay, okay, okay. He asks and I refuse, absolutely not. I'm waiting for him to give up. He has to walk away eventually." "Do you really want him to? Haven't enough people walked away from you already because of your condition? He can't wait for you to be sober again. How many people can you say that about?" "It is very self-serving excitement," Andrew said. "He wants something. He stands to gain, or so he thinks."
"Here's a real question: how have you survived this long when you're so violently self-destructive?" Andrew cocked his head to one side in a question. Neil didn't know if Andrew was playing stupid to rile him or if Andrew really was oblivious. Either way it was frustrating. He wondered why no one else had caught on, or if people noticed and just didn't care enough to say it. Now that Neil saw it, though, he couldn't look past it. Anytime the Foxes mentioned Andrew's upcoming sobriety or Andrew's name popped up in write-ups on the team's performance at games, the focus was on what a danger he
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"I'm remembering why I don't like you." "I'm surprised you forgot." "I didn't,"
"Liar. But that's what makes you interesting. It's also what makes you dangerous. I should know better by now. Maybe I'm not as smart as I thought I was. Should I be disappointed or amused?"
If Coach has a problem with the number he can take it up with me, but he should know how expensive I am by now.
"There is no need to worry," Maria said before Neil could duck inside again. "In fact, I think it's promising he has been gone this long. He'll come back when he's finished speaking with Drake."
He was good at picking fights, but he rarely won them.
"I think I'm concussed. Either that or this is a new side effect of my medication the doctors forgot to warn me about. If I throw up on you it is only half-intentional."
"Looks like I was right about him after all. Or do you still think this is all a big misunderstanding? Go on, tell me again how I'm too unbalanced to understand normal brotherly affection and love. Tell me this is natural."
"Coach, hello. I don't remember inviting you to this debacle." "You didn't," Wymack said. "Kevin," Andrew guessed. "A traitor to the end."
Meeting Andrew's eyes was almost impossible. Looking away would be unforgivable.
"Better luck next time, Neil," he said. "I warned you once already, didn't I? I don't feel anything." "Anymore," Neil said, barely a whisper.
"Neil," Wymack said, "between you and me, I don't think you've ever been fine."
I trusted you more than I was scared of him. So trust me now if you can. I'm not going anywhere.
"Trust you." Andrew enunciated each word like he'd never heard them before. He laughed curled his fingers tight around Neil's chin. "You lie, and lie, and lie, and you think I'll trust you with his life?" "Then don't trust 'Neil'," Neil said. "Trust me." "Oh, but who are you? Do you have a name?" "If you need one, call me Abram." "Should I believe that?" "I'm named after my father," Neil said. "Abram is my middle name;
Speaking of unpredictable assholes, when did that happen?"
"Maybe if you'd stuck around a moment longer you'd understand why I don't care anymore. When you came upstairs, did you hear him laughing, Kevin? He was," he said, ignoring the way Nicky flinched and the quick look Dan shot Matt, "before Drake even hit the ground. So yes, even I would give up this season. And after everything he's done and every risk he's taken for you, you'd better feel the same."
"It's not that simple," Kevin started. "Then simplify it," Neil cut in.
Kevin spoke up in French. "I will watch you. If you want to drink tonight," he added when Neil looked at him. "I won't let you say something you'll regret." "You'll be drunk inside an hour," Neil said. "Then who'll stop me?" Kevin gave him a cool look. "I would stop drinking."
"Do girls need kid-glove treatment? I thought they were tougher than that." Dan's grin was approving. "Most of us are. Some of us are like boys, though, and have delicate egos."
"Neil" might be an easily-spooked runaway, and "Nathaniel" was a hunted young man, but "Abram" was the one shielded from and untouched by his father's bloody business. Neil would pull on every murder he'd seen and every endless, desperate night, and he'd face Riko unflinching. It was the least he could do. It was all he could do.
Neil held up his free hand and showed Riko his steady fingers. "I'm shaking with fear."
Neil didn't have words, so he answered with his fist. He didn't have a lot of room to swing but he made do and caught Riko right in his vulgar mouth.
Facing Riko like this went against everything his mother taught him. He'd been raised to run, to sacrifice everything and everyone to ensure his own survival. His mother had never given him ground to stand on. Maybe that was why he hadn't been strong enough to save her in the end. A jumble of lies had nothing to fight for. But Neil Josten was a Fox. Andrew called this home; Nicky called him family. Neil wasn't going to lose any of it. If two weeks with Riko was the price to keep his team safe, Neil would pay it.
"Your failure is my failure. You are to go nowhere unless I am with you. If you break this rule we will bother suffer greatly for it. Do you understand?
"Andrew?" Neil guessed. "I said family, you hard-of-hearing imbecile," Jean said. "His father. Your coach." It took a moment to sink in. When it clicked Neil recoiled from Jean in shock. "What?"
"I am going to love hurting you," Riko said, "like I loved hurting Kevin." "You are one seriously fucked-up individual," Neil said.
