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June 17 - July 8, 2019
it was okay to say what I thought because only a few people would read it anyway.
he is done leading a church that’s based on shame, fear, guilt, and dishonesty. He wants instead, he says, to be part of a church that’s based on equality, honesty, intimacy, acceptance, and the healing power of God’s love.
They were hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, guilt producing, difficult to communicate with, generally disagreeable, sometimes downright hateful, and a hindrance to my compulsion to get high.
I saw people who felt responsible for the entire world, but they refused to take responsibility for leading and living their own lives.
I saw people who were hostile; they had felt so much hurt that hostility was their only defense against being crushed again.
They were that angry because anyone who had tolerated what they had would be that angry.
the dam of their lives and the lives of those around them threatened to burst and spew harmful consequences on everyone. And nobody but them seemed to notice or care.
I worked with people who thought they were going crazy because they had believed so many lies they didn’t know what reality was.
they have gone through their pain without the anesthetizing effects of alcohol or other drugs,
relieved only by anger and occasional fantasies,”
No wonder codependents are so crazy. Who wouldn’t be, after living with the people they’ve lived with?
they were expected to magically shape up (an archaic attitude that has not worked with alcoholics and doesn’t help codependents either).
Try to tap into your own healing process.
“You have learned that you will never learn everything there is to know,” he replied. “And you have learned how to stop the pain.”
Once a luxury, naps had become a necessity. Sleeping was about all I could do.
Why couldn’t he have loved me as much as I had loved him?
I had believed my lies.
continue giving to this bottomless pit of unmet needs we called a marriage.
Anger was always just beneath the surface.
I was no longer willing or able to tolerate anything.
We were usually one step away from a raving argument, a recount of past offenses, and screamed threats of divorce.
We used to thrive on arguments, but we grew sick of them. So we did it silently.
I always felt like I lost—with my kids and with my husband. No one ever listened to me; no one took me seriously.
If we turned our backs to each other, I would lie there with confused, desperate thoughts. If he tried to touch me, I froze. How could he expect me to make love to him? How could he touch me as though nothing had happened?
sex was psychologically and emotionally unsatisfying.
She chauffeurs, reads to, cooks for, cleans for, cuddles, and coddles those around her, but nobody gives to her. Most of the time, they don’t even say, “Thank you.”
He needed help. He needed her. Maybe he would change.
Her problem, she says, is that other people’s moods control her emotions; she, in turn, tries to control their feelings.
I’m anxious, uncomfortable, and upset until he feels better. I try to make him feel better. I feel guilty if I can’t. And he gets angry with me for trying. “And
I get enmeshed in them.
codependency is “an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules—rules which prevent the open expression of feeling as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems.”
self-defeating, learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or to participate in loving relationships.”
“It means I’m always looking for someone to glob onto.”
knowing all your relationships will either go on and on the same way (painfully), or end the same way (disastrously). Or both.”
Maybe Minnesota, the heartland of chemical dependency treatment and Twelve Step programs for compulsive disorders, discovered it.
having a relationship, personally or professionally, with troubled, needy, or dependent people.
unwritten, silent rules that usually develop in the immediate family and set the pace for relationships.
These rules prohibit discussion about problems; open expression of feelings; direct, honest communication; realistic expectations, such as being human, vulnerable, or imperfect; selfishness; trust in other people and one’s self; playing and having fun; and rocking the delicately balanced family canoe through growth or change—however healthy and beneficial that movement m...
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Some describe the cause, some the effects, some the overall condition, some the symptoms, some the patterns, and some the pain.
ongoing whirlwind trip through the five-stage grief process.
They suggest codependents want and need sick people around them to be happy in an unhealthy way.
They have felt so angry they wanted to kill.
Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact. They under-react. But rarely do they act.
These behaviors can sabotage relationships that may otherwise have worked.
These behaviors can prevent us from finding peace and happiness with the most important person in our lives—ourselves.
We may have learned some of these things from our interpretation of religion.
codependency is a way of getting needs met that doesn’t get needs met.
We’ve been doing the wrong things for the right reasons.
the first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.1
wonder why others don’t do the same for them.
